shizZam

tryst

Screw Off.

i'm so sick of acting like i give a fuck...
i don't.

seriously.

|heh|

it becomes really apparent to me that you try too hard to get under my skin..
or get a reaction out of me..

for someone who claims to love me, i'd think you'd know better..

....

|typical AB converstion|

ordained Lex: i swear, i need aa personal assistant like whoa
IabeIized: a personal assistant?
IabeIized: like a sexretary?
ordained Lex: yes
ordained Lex: well sorta
ordained Lex: but they actually needa do STUFF
IabeIized: get a palm pilot, women are worthless
IabeIized: ;D
ordained Lex: thats why i want a personal assistant
ordained Lex: somneone to manage my bills and pay them, remember birthdays, do my laundry and cook bacon.
IabeIized: thats a wife, Alex.
IabeIized: not a personal assistant.
ordained Lex: thats ALL i want them for
IabeIized: lol
IabeIized: get a maid.
ordained Lex: very specifically
ordained Lex: i think itd be easier to get a wife
IabeIized: hahah
IabeIized: true
ordained Lex: yanno upon thinking about it a wife is a better option anyways
ordained Lex: shed shove me out of bed when i hit snooze on the alarm too many times like today
IabeIized: see!
ordained Lex: im seriously only a partially functioning adult....
IabeIized: no, you're just male.
IabeIized: with that comes the rules of the penis
IabeIized: work
IabeIized: sleep
IabeIized: shit
IabeIized: eat
IabeIized: repeat

|fuck your thoughts|

i've no words this time..

i need to make changes, a lot of them..

and if i say nothing, i can continue on, making those changes..

but, if i don't say anything, i'm still in the wrong..

i'm still doing something not right, still the one who can't say anything correctly..

i don't know what to do..

everyone offers advice, tells me to do what makes me happy..

my happiness laid in his hands.. because it was the love in my heart that made me happy..

then, he dropped it..

each accusation, each assumption, every finger pointed..

it cracked a little more each time..

i won't continue faking to smile..

and i won't continue lying about how happy i am..

i'm not happy anymore..

i'm broken and i feel misplaced..

you fail to see that each argument, each moment of silence..

it continually pushed me further into a corner..

i've been in this corner for quite some time now..

you asked how i managed to not push anyone else away..

no one else has emotionally drained me to utter exhaustion..

no one else manipulated every word i spoke..

no one else got inside my head and heart and suffocated both..

i guess i did have words.. afterall..

i just wish i knew how to get things back to good, i mean, they were good at one point in time, werent they?

|ventilation|

You know what pisses me off.. the fact that every time we fight, you make it conveniently my fault. It's either something I did, something I said, or a way I made YOU feel. Even when it's not intended that way, you don't bother to ask, you ASSUME and then turn it into yet another argument.

Then, when I try to smooth things over and move on from said-stated argument, I accept the blame (since YOU'RE putting it on me anyway), and you've the fucking audacity to call me a 'victim', or atleast playing the so-called part of one. AFTER you initially made me at fault for everything to begin with. How convenient, yet again.

Do you ever consider how I feel? EVER? Apparently, you do not. BECAUSE, if you did, you might see how I perceive things every once and again. You claim that you love me, IF you loved me, you'd not throw things that you know WILL hurt me, in my face, ALL the time. I guess playing the victim is something I do very well, since every time we bicker, you decide to make sure you call me one. All because for the sake of argument, I take full responsibility and that makes me some kind of fucking martyr, some sort of wanna-be victim.

Well, fuck you.

Oh and least not forget the whole: "You can have anyone you want, remember?" comments.

That's fucking right, I CAN have anyone I want. But again, the fact that I'm with you means NOTHING. You always love to remind me that my vanity is of course, in vain. It must bother you a lot, knowing that people want me, to have to throw it in my face at every given opportunity. A man would be proud that his woman is wanted and beautiful, admired even. He'd pride himself on the fact she is content in her own skin, to acknowledge it. But, no. Not you. I guess I should go back to being a victim and hide in a corner.

I'm so fucking sick of trying to convey things to you, and your hard-headed ways blocking it all. You want to be stubborn, so be it, but don't fucking play the pot and kettle game with me, because I know it all too well.

I sit here, 3k miles away, daily, nightly, wondering, waiting, crying, but it means nothing. None of it means anything at all, if you consistently can't fathom why. I digress, you DO know why, but you fail at realizing it.

I went through enough shit in my life, that I don't need this. I don't need to feel emotionally broken down. Which, by the way, you make me feel, almost at a constant rate.

It seems like you have this down to a science.

Jenna feels alone and distanced, so I'll use her words against her, then make her feel at fault, I'll blame her for my own inadequecies, make her feel even worse, and then call her a victim because she's accepting the blame I bestowed on her.

Maybe then, you can play the disappearing game again or shut me out, tell me to go fuck myself and argue with me for a few days, break me down some more, because you know I constantly give in..

I can't do this.. I am not strong enough to continually do this cat and mouse shit.

|3am|

its a bad idea to sleep after work..

then you're up all night, kind of..

i woke up at 3am and was like, wtf?

heh

i feel like shit.

i've so much on my mind,..

i've been thinking...

• odds are when you need someone the most, they won't be there
• no matter how in love you think you are, something/someone will come along and/or happen to make you question it
• boys tell the sweetest lies, friends tell the bitter truth
• you might not be able to pick your family, but you can kick their ass to the curb
• truth is: you're going to get hurt, heartbroken, used, abused, taken for granted, and of course, loved.. take it all as it comes, embrace it, then breathe deep and move the fuck on
• it's ok to feel worthless, because the day will come when you feel invincible
• people do come AND go, let them GO
• don't convince yourself you need someone, you don't need anyone but you
• if someone can't be there for you when you need them, then really, why did you need them to begin with?
• find yourself, before seeking another
• love IS a rarity, overrated, and a falacy, but it's also amazing and addictive
• when you're right, don't back down - when you're wrong, smile
• it's ok to be cranky, every day, even on holidays, and no, you don't need to provide someone with an explanation
• it's ok to cry, even if it's for no reason what-so-ever
• tell someone you miss them, even if they've only been gone a few moments, you honestly don't know when you'll see them again
• sometimes, words aren't enough

...

dr's..
fights..
arguments..
lonliness..

and nothing..
nothing short of feeling abandoned..

blah

|letdown|

3 days.. and not even a call..
a few sporadic texts yesterday..

its not that i dont sympathtize.. because i do..
but, i'm supposed to be your girlfriend..
the one you love, whom you claim to be your everything..

here it is, Valentine's Day.. and everyone else called, but you..

5 minutes, that was all i needed.. just 5 minutes..

you build me up, only to let me down..

|sonny|

thanks for the smile.

|fuck|

he's here, again..

i was invited to dinner manana night..

i have actually contemplated going..
but, anyone who is anyone knows the outcome already..

fight, silence, fighting, silence, he'll probably toss a backhand, and then we'll fight more..

then, he'll leave and i wont have to worry for another few months...


why do i bother? WHY does he bother?!!?
just fucking get on with your life and STOP worrying about me and coming back..

we ended it, a long LONG time ago..

i dont need this, not now..
not when i'm content-ish..

especially not this close to the anniversaries of everything traumatic..
you plan it all, i know you do..

|smart|

In the space between the lines there is you.
Living between the lines.

Line one - accept the rules of the world, or at least accept that there are rules
Line two - accept who you are, but more importantly who you are not
Line three - choose your music, your food, and your friends. Never choose who to love
Line four - accept the fact you may want to change your mind, or not
Line five - be happy with the ones that love you, and accept the fact that others may not
Line six - cherish your moments of satisfaction, they may be your best
Line seven - live your life only for yourself. Others have their own lives to live for
Line eight - surprise yourself with something new. A day with no surprises is a day you lost
Line nine - death will come. Accept it and just enjoy your time living
Line ten- make up your own space between the lines. It is all up to you

*i needed to post this..
it hit home.. and the picture is one of my wishlist items on DA.
<3

|jka|

i can't even begin to describe the love i have for him..
and knowing he loves me just as much, well, it's surreal, frightening, but nevertheless, wonderful..
i received his package this morning and spent all day anticipating opening it..

it was worth it, the wait that is..
but, i promised him i'd wait until he was awake to do so..

the card alone made my whole week..
everything else he packed inside was a bonus..
i cried for hours..

his scent is filtering throughout my whole room..
and it makes me miss laying in his arms even more than usual..
but, the fact that he knew what i wanted more than anything, melts me..
i want to curl up inside the box and just engulf myself in his lingering scent..

i remember sitting in the airport.. surrounded by it..
holding his shirt close to my face, so i didnt feel so alone..

i miss him, i miss his touch, his kisses, his.. just him.. his everything..

love isn't supposed to feel like this, is it? this powerful?
my heart could implode inside my chest..

i love him.. with everything that is me.

|manic|

im having episodes again
and no one understands..

i feel empty, i feel alone, and most of all, i feel completely unimportant..
its nothing anyone did, but more so the way i perceive things, things i feel..

i wish i could disappear.

|sigh|

i just don't understand at times..
i dont know how you can honestly tell me i'm the one..
and yet, still do things that make me feel like i'll never be good enough..

of course, i'm sure its me, it's always me..
but, i.. i just don't know anything anymore.

;I

true story, i'm sorry.

|speed|

sometimes i wonder why..
why i bother to continue feeling unimportant..

or why when i am told i am important..
i witness things that make you seem like such a liar..

i dont know what i'm doing..
or why things get to me so badly..

but maybe, this isnt the best thing..

maybe i'm just another mistake waiting to be made..

i'm so sick of feeling like i'm going nowhere..
going nowhere fast with you..
just more circles to be ran around..

|failure|

he apparently has no idea how much i adore him.nor can he fathom the depth of my love..this saddens me greatly, to the point of utter failure..

i don't feel like i should even bother moving forward..to do what? to keep failing both of us..because if i were doing it right, you would have no room for questioning it..
you're right, i have a million other men who want me..men who'd do ANYTHING for me and my heart..
but, i gave it to you, and you just keep giving it back..

i can't do this anymore, i can't keep hanging on to someone who is constantly letting me go..someone who doesn't see how i perceive them..someone who is always second guessing my emotions..

i have my doubts, but i never doubt your love.. i may have in jest, but never did i once not believe how much i meant to you..

apparently, i am to blame for just about everything..and i am another failure in your life..
i'm sorry for wasting your time.

|fuck you|

last time i checked..
you weren't latin, hispanic, spanish, or mexican..

so i don't understand where you get off telling me what "I" said..
especially when there are a million ways to say it or derivitives of the spanish language..

i'm tired of being made to feel like i'm being accused of something..

you apparently cant handle the fact that i'm yours..
because you're always making me feel like i'm wanting to "push" you away..

i "KNOW" when i'm pushing..

maybe i'll start..

|and.. he sang to me|

She said let go, goodbye
So pathetic yet it seems so right
I said alright, okay
Anything to make me go away
If you get back before I do
If you could only hear me through
It used to be so easy
Oh no you've gone and done it
All over time and time again
She said alright okay
Anything to make me away
I said oh no don't cry
Another day like this and I'll lose my mind
Cause it seems to me you're leaving
You must have your reasons
Again another season, one more day
And my heart stops beating


...you break me down

|information|

i didnt think i'd ever come across something such as this..

i didnt think you felt that way..
you asked me how i never knew, and i went blank..
i didn't know.. i never guessed or assumed..

10 years.. 10 fucking years later you reveal this all to me as though it were yesterday..
as though it were new.. and i should have known..

you felt this way for 1o years and chose to stay silent?!?!
how could you? how is that possible?

you sat silently in the background, allowing me to come to you for everything..
to cry to you, to bitch and moan, vent and fall apart..
you picked up every piece of me and slowly built me back up..
you held my hand and made sure i was ready to walk alone again..

you were like my training wheels.. my lucky rock.. my trusty pen.. my favorite pair of sneakers..
you were everything and then some..

i choked it all back and told you i didnt feel weird..
well, for the first time in 10 years, i lied to you..
i actually told a lie..

it's not that i feel 'weird', i just feel, awkward..
i dont know how to react to all of this, without feeling lied to, myself..
of all the chances you had.. you chose to remain in silence..
you allowed me to live a life that structured me into who i've become..
a life that ran me ragged, disappointed me, disillusioned me, made me bitter, but made me strong..
i don't know whether to hate you, or love you more..

you were always the one who knew what to say, what to do and tell me when to bury my head and let it pass..
you told me who was good for me and who i was too good for..
you sang to me.. you cried to me.. you confessed to me and confided in me..
all the while, loving me..

i know you love me, i knew you loved me..
but you're right.. each time you would tell me, i didnt know just how much..
you were right all along, i didnt know it's full extent..

now, now i just dont know anything..

my lips are closed and my tongue, muted..

|doot|

cathartic romance

glistening across the frosted pane

synthetic smiles

echoing through past remains

diligence and desperation

going hand in hand

pestilence and pessimism

helping me to understand

ironically the irony

is that i feel complete

theoretically in theory

i succumb to self defeat

im writing again..

atleast, i'm trying to..

i feel so.. inadequate..

which is why i guess, i'm writing..

blah.

|brr|

i'm sick and feel as though i am dying..

im used to having colds and sinus issues, as i get them often..
but, this flu is kicking my ass.. it sucks..

i feel as though everything has been taken from me..
and it really is a bother..

i didnt want to miss any time at work, especially within the first two weeks..
but, i struggled through yesterday with a fever and it's still not broken yet..
so, i wasnt about to struggle through today..

besides, Jaxson yelled at me, so i figured i'd appease him and make him happy..
i know he's right, and i shouldnt concern myself with missing time, if i feel this horrid..

time for more sleep.. i've been up all night.. :

|meh|

i learned that:

5 zolofts and 7 xanax dont help you sleep.. just breathe less..

i also learned that no matter how together you THINK you are..
the more apt you are to feel like a complete failure when you find out that you're not..

vodka tastes better at 3am, with blueberries and frozen grapes..

no one will ever TRULY understand you..

people always say one thing, and do another, and vice versa..

you can be surrounded by a million people, yet still feel alone..

being in love doesnt mean youre incvincible.. but you are more susceptible to doubt..

you can be dying on the inside and no one is the wiser as long as you grin and nod..

a business suit and a fake smile, go an awfully long way..

you can cut yourself into a million pieces, a million times, and not wince once..
as long as you're the one doing the cutting..

life doesnt wait for you.. but it does point and laugh at your misfortune..

|addiction|

im sick of feeling so helpless..
i know none of this is my fault..
but, i cant help but to feel like i should be the glue holding you together..
im failing you, piece by piece, limb by limb..

i dont want you succumbing to this..
i have faith..
but, i dont know how to heal you..
i dont know how to help you, when i cant even help myself..

hour by hour, day by day..
i face the same obsticles..
i reach for the razor.. or the pill bottle..
i know the pain..

i just dont know how to salvage everything..
i dont know how to fix you..

im sorry.. i love you..

|need to know basis|

first he tells me i'm beautiful..
then he informs me that i'm everything he's ever wanted..

following that with some more flattery, a few compliments.. and then..
yes, then, he admits to me that he's touched himself to my pictures..
not once, not twice, but on many occasions..

uhm.. excuse me while i go bathe myself in bleach..

i can never look at you the same..

|dick|

youre a fucking asshole, plain and simple..
i'm nothing special..
as a matter of fact,.
i'm just as special as everyone else is to you..

you dont make me feel any different..
youre failing again..
and again, they're just words..
so do me a favor..
save your breath and just don't speak..

i'd rather your silence then your lies..

now i know why i refuse to bother..

|stalk, stalk, stalk|

you can stop stalking my blog anytime now..

or atleast leave a fucking comment..

because i'm sick of you lurking and then slipping up later on and admitting it through no admission of your own, but rather your snide remarks..

you're such an asshole.. you should have been honest from the beginning..
maybe then, you wouldnt be just a watcher.. but a participant..

and stop with the "i love you's",. they mean nothing, not coming from you.

|heh|

i love being someone who is wanted..
vanity is an amazing emotion..
even if it's a rarity to be seen..

i'm your best kept secret.

|babble|

im out of it today..
i feel like im out of my own skin..
i hate this feeling..
i hate feeling distant and not put together..

bah.

and i miss him.. i miss him too much..

|corrupt|

love hurts.. plain and simple..

you have ups and downs, slow starts and traumatic ends..
arguments, yelling matches, sleepless nights and silent wars..
highs and lows, good and bad days..

there really is no way of having a perfect relationship..
you can only strive for a sedated version of perfection..

you realize along the bumps and tense times that you need to breathe..
and not just stand there, arms crossed and inhale..
but honestly, breathe.. take it ALL in..

i've not done that lately, because i never knew how..
i'd sit there, livid and seething, hands trembling, thoughts rampant..
mind scattered, heart pounding, and i wouldnt breathe..
i'd only inhale and choke it down, anxiously taking the next gasp of air..

i know how to savor the air as its entering my lungs now..
because i know the slower i consume it, the longer it lasts..

it's kind of like love,.. the more you pay attention to it..
the more you cherish it and nurture it..
the more you actually come to realize it's worth, and just how wonderful it feels..
especially when you take the time to relish in it..

<3

|sigh|

i never could forgive and forget...
better explained, i could forget, sometimes, just not forgive..

now, it's like, i can't forget.. i just can't..
and it's eating at me, and i've no fucking idea why..

i mean, i do know why.. but this isn't me..
this whole "pondering" and thinking in a negative sense, ISN'T me..

in all of my relationships, ALL of them, i never once feared their outcome..
i was under the impression, what happend, happend,. and it happend for reasons..

now, now i'm constantly in this weird state of awareness and wonder..
and i'm forever seeking answers and justifications..
i'm needing reasons and answers, and i don't knows, don't fucking cut it..

if there is NO reason, and/or NO answer.. then i can't go on..
because i just don't understand.. and i refuse to be left with questions..

Argh.

My mind is my own demise.

I feel alone again.

|eesh|

work.. work.. pleh..
there are no words for the incompetent fools that seem to always surround me when i land a new job.. oi.

secondly, i'm still sick and as much as i pretend to be ok, and force myself to struggle through, it's really exhausting me..
but, as long as i continue to forge ahead, eventually i have to get better, right?

pleh.

|mhm|

thoughts:

i need a new cell phone
i need to save money for an apartment
i need to make a 'to-do-list'
i need to change my outlook on certain things
i need to be more optimistic
i need to decide whether i want to have surgery or not
i need to make appts i know i can make, in order to keep them
i need to write more
i need to accept who i am, and be ok with it
i need to sleep more and eat less

i'll continue this manana.

|pfft|

i started out having a wonderful day..

its amazing how fast things change..

blah

|fraud|

i sat here today, thinking about a lot of things, majorily things i know better then to think about..
but honestly, think about it, how often do i listen to logic? ok then.

i still get sidetracked when it comes to recent events, and i still get all little-girl like and scared..
scared that you're going to one day soon realize i'm not perfect and it's going to damper your decision.

i concern myself with possibilities of people persuading you, or someone better coming along..
when you assure me, repeatedly, that there is no one else for you.

can you explain this to me? can you somehow make me believe in everything? can you fix me?
we both know i'm broken, i just never realized the full extent of the casualty.

i write you letters and notes, trying to capture my emotions on paper, hoping to convey their full worth..
but then i crumble them up and toss them aside, because i fear your response.

i'm jaded enough to have it hinder my trust, have it leave bitter undertones, and cause random thoughts..
but, i'm enchanted enough to overcome any obsticle to believe in us, and love you more than imaginable.

my heart is yours for the taking..

|stance|

"I am yours if you want

and I can be yours to spend your life with

I can be yours, we'll hide indoors petrified of the world

And if you'd rather stay in at night

I can relate to that

And if feels like your hearts dried up

I can relate to that

And if you need someone at your side

I am out there, I'm out there, out there"

some nights, i lay awake, thinking of the perfect words..

some nights i cry myself to sleep, remembering your touch..

i go crazy inside myself, because its easier then letting you see me fall apart..

|ramble|

sometimes i wonder if you made the biggest mistake of your life..
sometimes i wonder if you really still don't know what it is you want..
but you're just going along with the flow of things.. like a ride, for a thrill..

at times, i think i have it all put together, and then realize, just how much i've fallen apart..

i am a puzzle.. a rubix cube.. so many people have given up and walked away..

i don't blame them, i don't blame anyone for giving up..
i'd have given up as well, in fact, i gave up long ago.. because:

i'm complicated, i'm indecisive, i'm elusive, i'm stubborn, i'm proud, i'm dysfunctional..
i'm egotistical, i'm vain, i'm addictive, i'm unattainable, i'm adventurous, i'm crass..
i'm insane, i'm obsessive, i'm compulsive, i'm sporadic, i'm snazzy, i'm sarcastic, i'm honest..
i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm imperfect, i'm mesmerizing, i'm demanding, i'm distrusting..
i'm priceless, i'm blunt, i'm intolerant, i'm dislikable, i'm wanted, i'm beautiful, i'm ignorant..

i'm a plethora of things..

most of all, i'm hateful and snide and i like to think i'm right..

i want to believe you're going to fail me, because i can, not because i want to..

i want to know i'm your number one, always..
and i want to believe it.. for the first time, ever..

i love you.. i can't emphasize that enough.

|epitaph|

stolen moments

fleeting smiles

broken hearts

untraveled miles

unnoticed glances

weakened stares

comforting touches

unanswered prayers

careless whispers

muted desires

empty promises

virtuous liars

petty judgment

harsh replies

blunt accusations

spiteful goodbye's

i hate that i aimlessly search for reasons..

reasons to.. run and hide..

|moments|

sometimes
you sacrifice everything
for one moment of clarity
and in that moment
nothing else matters
nothing

i've never been in love before..

i've never felt as i do, now..

i never knew what it felt like to be content..

you make me happy, you provide me with happiness..

every moment, every tear, every word, all worth it..

i love you.

|rawr|

i love how you want me..

i love how you crave me..

too bad, you cant have me..

or can you?

|mist|

i feel like i'm fading..
every part of me, just drifting..

|update|

i hate being sick..
whatever this is, is draining everything out of me..

i've spent the whole weekend in bed.. and i still can't really sleep..
i've barely eaten anything, and even liquids are hard to keep down..

for the first time, i can't wait to be at the dr's tomorrow..
i can't go on like this, especially with work starting this coming Monday..

pfft.

|heh|

True story.

I'm too smart for weak competition.

I'm too mature for childish games.

I know what I want.

If I can't obtain it, nor can it be provided, I know I can get it elsewhere.

I will not break.

|flicker|

Cold nights, Warm glow.

I miss you more than should be humanly possible.

Words can't express the longing in my heart.

|epiphany|

im looking away from the complications
and looking towards our future..

|...|

i was wrong..

and you've not very much time to explain yourself..

because right now, i'm seething..

and she, she told me all i needed to know.

|deja vu|

i hope, for the love of god, our love is strong enough to get us through what i know is about to happen..

and that there are no secrets hovering, for the sake of both of us..

|torment|

-torment

i choke on the words that are born upon my lips

as they die the precise moment they hit your deaf ears

i cant control the way my emotions play out

when it's your delayed reactions that torment my fears

i'm wilted and weakend from all of your games

i'm broken and bruised from wearing your shame

and i've never quite looked just as beautiful, as i do

all the while i am wearing your unrequited love

|pondering|

sometimes i sit here and wonder about the things you say to me..

you say you love me, yet you can never seem to show it, unless i make a comment.. then you go out of your way to appease me, to call more, to text more.. because i mentioned it, not because you realized you werent doing it..

you say you care and want us to be together, but yet, you can never find the words to make me believe thats its just not some ficticious dream..

i get so confused.. i know at times, i cant find the words to describe the love i have for you, but thats due to the fact that its not something i've ever felt before..

you're the first.. the first man i've ever fallen in love with, the first man who's ever completely captured me and my heart.. but you're also the first man who makes me feel as though i'm doing something horrifically wrong.. or that i'm just not worth the effort..

you said last night that you know you dont shower me with affection, why? are you ashamed of me? of us? would it make it less easy for you to manage every other relationship you have? worried that women will stop fawning over you? are you still keeping your options open? these are the things i am left to think about.. i'm left to ponder whether or not your heart is in this..

i feel like i'm on the outside looking in..

|to the left|

truth, its easier digested with a side of fuck you.

|chatter|

him: god i miss your voice
him: this is insane
me: awh, i dont know why
me: my voice is horrid
him: i need it


Eric:
i can't take this anymore
vain :
lol
Eric:
i want to buy a house
Eric:
come live here so we can buy a house
vain :
lol
vain :
you only want me to help support you!
Eric:
no, i want us to have a house.
Eric:
plus if you're stuck in a mortgage you can't run away ;)
vain :
lol
vain :
you're always thinking ahead
Eric:
yep..i'd even have the contract drawn so the lender couldn't hold the other party responsible if one didn't pay...
Eric:
i'm smeert.
vain :
lol
Eric:
blech
vain
i want a lot of things.
Eric:
whatever...get you ass here so we can break in my new place.
Eric:
hahah
Eric:
fo ril
vain :
fo sheezy

sometimes its nice to know you're wanted
other times, it's mundane to be an object..

i can't seem to find a happy medium.

|motive|

i cant keep hiding everything..
it gets hard to swallow after a while..

your actions hurt just as much as your words..
think before you breathe..

im already suffocating.

|vanity|

i decided i'm done playing games, i'm playing for keeps..
i'm a hot commodity, and in demand right now..

let's see who captures the prize.

..

i feel like i'm hanging on, and you're just merely tugging some strings..

i can't do this alone..

!@#!@#

sometimes.. i wonder why i continue to have the same fight with you..
its futile to continue this, especially when you know how it always ends..
the outcome is always the same.. yet, you always have to try to get the last word..

1. it's not my fault
2. i refuse to feel to blame any longer
3. i'm done being afraid of you or your words
4. i'm better than you, always have been, i just failed to see it
5. i will not take you back, again, ever, or in a constant state of delirium
6. your lies were enough to drive me so far away, i'm actually lost
7. fuck off and have a nice day

|vulnerability|

i want him to touch me, unlike anyone ever has..

all of me, for all of him, always..

|memories|

i daydream about our last day together..
when we were in SLC, standing there freezing, my hands in your pockets, my head on your chest, your arms wrapped around me and your chin resting on my head..
everything stood still.. and i never felt more secure.. more loved and taken care of.. and when i looked up at you, your smile assured me, every moment mattered..

i want to disappear and go back to when your touch wasn't a memory, but an everyday occurence..

i love you, Jaxson..
i can't wait to tell you, repeatedly, for the rest of our lives..

|until the day i die|

The more I think about it, the more I want this back:

It can't come soon enough..
I can't breathe without you.

|disconnect|

sometimes, you're searching for the words, to make yourself feel less alone..
and sometimes, you're struggling to not speak at all..
sometimes, you're fighting to find yourself, and willing to dig as deep as needed..
and sometimes, you're content in knowing you're just a shell of a has been..

i have no strength to continue to fight..

|sinking|

everything is dark.. that's about the only way I can describe things lately..
i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to eat, i cant tolerate people..
i write, because its all i have to depict what i'm feeling..
i'm sinking again and i fear the outcome this time.

my body aches with each motion and my lips hurt with each word muttered.
its like i cannot function, or i just chose not to, i havent figured out which yet.

i feel worthless and flawed, ugly and just unneeded and unwanted.
i'm a failure to everyone and a disappointment to the rest.

i think things that lack proper judgment, and do things that i shouldnt..
certain objects spark memories of an old me, the old me that was buried long ago..

i'm nothing. i'm lost.

|sugar|

...place your hand on my heart

so you can feel how it dances to your touch..

words mean little, if your love doesnt back them..

|decisions|

I'm sacrificing myself, and putting my heart back on the line.
I'm going against the advice of others, because I never was one to follow the rules.
I'm taking a risk, because you're assuring me things will change.

All I ever wanted was your love, pure and justified.
I wanted a part of you that NO ONE has ever had or will have.
I want to believe that you're devoted to making us work.
And yes, I do mean 'us'. No more games or tip toeing around.

I want commitment and stability, trust and security.
I want your heart in this, just as mine has been.

IF you can prove to me that you're finally willing to leap.
You'll have me heart and soul, always.

|all thats left|

is music.. and lyrics that remind me I can still feel..
even if all I feel is hurt.



You Were The One

it's friday night and i can just talk for hours and hours
'till I wake up and wonder where the time went
when you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
i loved

now lock your doors and chain up all of your mixed emotions
'cause they will come and get you just when you don't
'cause you were the one I loved
you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved

now you just look around and wonder why you've wondered
so long, so hard and you're still wrong
i'd have taken you back
i'd have taken you back
when you were the one I loved

so we've been through the motions and suffer these delusions
but i'll dream away my sorrows on through the night
'cause you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
i loved

|mime|

I've come to the conclusion that feeling like nothing and/or empty, would still be better than how I feel right now at this point in time.

I walk the house as a shell of someone who was once happy, only a matter of days ago. Someone who thought the world revolved around her and the love she found. Now, there is nothing. Nothing left.

It's cold.

|deluded|

Well, here I sit, cigarette in hand, still thinking, still stirring, still at odds as to what to do, which direction to go in and what decision to make. I'm sloth like, thanks to the handful of xanax I ingested and the few shots of vodka to chase them down. I woke up, phone in hand and yet, still in some weird comatose haze. I want to believe that this never happend. That my life, is still normal, atleast to what my idea of normal is. I can't seem to function anymore. No matter what I try to do, I end up sulking back into bed and just fighting to breathe and hold back the tears. I honestly thought I reached the point last night, that I just couldnt cry anymore, I was wrong, so wrong.

I think what bothers me the most is that, all these years I've been so cynical of the word "love". It's so overused and tossed around that it lost all meaning and value. Now, yes, I do love a select few of my friends, and even one or two of the exes, but of those exes, they were friends far before anything ever remotely evolved. So my friendship always outweighed the falling out we may have had and is still valued. Truth be told, I never completely ever lost myself in someone before, and I never 'fell' IN love with them, to the point where the whole phrase meant as much as it has lately to me. I've racked my brain over and over again, comparing the scenerios and the feelings. I've disected and rationalized every ounce of emotion that has coursed through me within the past few years. Nothing, nothing has come close to how I felt with him. None of the "I love you's" from before, ever amounted to those which I expressed to him.

So here is where the problem lies:

If I ever wrestled with any thought or contemplation of feelings for anyone else, I would HAVE NEVER told you I loved you. I would not have done that to you. This is why its so hard for me to come to terms with all of this. You tell me you came to realize that your feelings for me were stronger than those you had for her, but all along, you were still holding on to what exactly it was that you were feeling for her to begin with. What if you came to see that she is what you wanted? Where would that have left me? Point in case.

I'm heartbroken either way. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with her. The fact is, you have one. And at one point in time, it was far more personal and in depth then it is now and it COULD happen again. If she was any type of friend, she'd have been happy for you, happy for us. Not expressing how jealous she was, or how she felt. But, then again, she wasnt the only one with those mixed emotions. I can't accept this. I can't grasp onto the concept of being with you and still knowing you love her. I feel betrayed. I feel unwanted. And most of all, I feel unloved.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't fucking eat, I can't nearly breathe. The only way I can sleep is when I drug myself beyond belief and pass out. The sad thing is, I wish with every swallow that it'll be the last time I open my eyes.

|the burn|

I need to write because I've no idea what to do with myself. My family is all downstairs, the kids, the parents, anyone who should mean everything to me, and I can't even enjoy it. All I can do is sulk and get asked, what's wrong.? How do I answer?

"I'm sorry, the man I thought loved me just broke my heart, on my own accord, because I knew all along he was actually loving someone else"

Does that work? No. Of course not. Because then I get the glares and the I'm sorry's and the what the hell happends? Then its back to crying and falling to pieces, when I need to move on and be strong. But, I'm not strong, I'm weak. I keep hearing the words he typed to her in my head and with each one it's just another blow to my pride, my soul and what's seemingly left of my heart.

I'm empty right now. So empty that the thought of being able to fix it only creates more of a void. I could go and be with anyone, but what does that solve or fix? Nothing. I never wanted anyone else, I was never torn between two, or four. I always knew who I wanted to be with and never questioned where I stand with another. So excuse me for not understanding how this could all happen or how it works.

I dont understand how you could progress with me, when you were torn up about feelings with her. Was I just a filler? Someone to take your mind off the mess that you both created? It's not my fault you're both fucking imbeciles who can't discuss how you feel. So here I am, 100% in love and so fucking scared of losing myself in someone, and I get fucking torn apart, becuase for the love of fuck you both decide to finally talk about your emotions.

I'm a fucking dolt for thinking I could lower a wall and not get hurt.

And now back to the angry state. Xanax and Vodka never tasted so good.

|mc|

Merry fucking Christmas.


Ps.,

Eric,
Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thank you, thank you for being good at picking up pieces.
Even if it takes a 9 hour phonecall, a lot of venting, and a few neverminds.
Among the dysfunction and tears, you made me smile.
I love you.
/fin


I'm hurting, I don't even think I could honestly begin to explain how it is I feel. There are no words for the pain that is radiating through my chest and running amuck in my head. I've yet to sleep. I can't even fathom eating anything, and my family will be arriving shortly. I want to take anything I can to forget you. I want you gone. If I could rip you from my heart and memories, I would do so in an instant. I never wanted to be numb so badly in my life. I'm angry, I'm shocked, I'm fucking annoyed. I hate that I allowed you to manipulate me into believing you loved me. If and when you love someone, you don't lie to them. YOU don't hurt them as much as you've done to me. YOU try anything in your power to salvage what you have. All you wanted was everything, and now, I don't feel that your 'everything' included me. How could it have? When you openly admit to someone that you'd have felt the same way as they did? Oh, but I forgot, we were just 'friends'. So really, I've nothing to be upset about, I'm use to losing 'friends'. So now you've all the time in the world to go be with your other 'friend'. You both deserve one another. So keep telling me I don't have any idea as to what relationship you both have. It was made clear to me in a matter of moments. I'm not a moron.

You were the death of me. I hope you're happy.

|lies|

I dug my grave, so I shall lay in it. I'm well aware of the consequences. I chose the path, I traveled, I made the mistake.

In my heart, I always knew. I knew there was more than you led on, more than you promised, more than I was willing to let myself believe. I was blinded by the love I had for you and the late night talks of a future and children, how you told me that you could see it all with me. If only I knew then, you were laying out the same scheme with someone else, or atleast envisioning it.

I wanted to trust in your words, and believe the "we're just friends" speech. I wanted to let go of all my distrust and move forward, only ever lowering my wall for you. I wanted the future, the dream, the forever. But, you want your cake and to eat it too.

I know what I did was wrong. I know and I'm not proud. I hate myself for being that weak. But, you know what? I was right ALL along. I had reason to doubt, EVEN when you assured me I shouldnt, I know now, I was right too. You cant tell me anything that would make this less painful, that would make me believe you when you say you love me.

I'll never believe another word you speak. You can have her. Go.

I fucking hope she's everything you've ever wanted. I know I'm not.

|sadness|

Words ring truer and truer every day..
You're letting go and I'm merely hanging on..

|shew|

He called to tell me I'm beautiful and that he was thinking of me..
Then, he sent me an email to remind me that I'm one of a kind..

If only he knew..

|him|

i've come to realize that there is no time for me..

somehow, i'm alright with that..

thanks, Kyle. <3

|shoot|

i figured i'd make it easy for you..

so i drew the bullseye on my chest..

and i even loaded the gun..

i hate you.

|harsh|

I've never felt so unwanted or unneeded in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so slighted, either.

I know he's upset and angry, annoyed and frustrated.
I also know he needs his space, as do I, and even yes, especially now.
But, you do not just CUT me the fuck out completely.

How are we supposed to have a future or a relationship of any kind, when you can't include me in this? We'd not last a week.

I can't do this, because the silence and the shutting me out is literally breaking my heart.

!@#!@#

i've come to the conclusion that people seem to flock to me.. men in general, and then try to persuade me into feeling awkward so they can take advantage of the moment..

i.e., phone fun, or trying to convince me into taking provocative pictures, just for them, because they're special and deserve them..

why am i subjected to this? do i have "easy prey" tattooed on my forehead? because if they truly knew me at all, they'd know i don't fall victim to stupid pick up lines, whining, or persuasion.

gah. grow the fuck up.

|hrmph|

I'm sick, really sick. It's starting all over again.

First the sleepless nights, the restless and irritable days, then the tense, sheer pain in my chest.
Next it'll be continuous visits to the cardiologist, numerous tests and a holter monitor for 48 hours.
I hate having heart problems, especially one they can't control. So, why they bother is beyond me.
I think they just like making me stress more by constantly having me awaiting results, even when I'm not supposed to be stressing, dolts.

I just want to curl up and die.
No one can possibly understand how wonderful that would be.
No more DR's, no more pain, no more tests or worried frenzies about job issues.
Just peace and serenity.

Again, someone apparently hates me, because I'm fated to just deal with the pain and be miserable. Bleh.

|solemn|

I'm highly upset and downright pissed off and hurt.

YOU make an ATTEMPT/EFFORT to call me more? And that is supposed to make me feel better? And feel worth it? You know what that statement made me feel? Like I'm being appeased because I once upon a time stated that I felt like you were avoiding me and didnt want to talk to me. So now, NOW you have to make an effort and attempt to call more. NOT because you miss me, or YOU WANT TO, but because, simply, you feel the 'need' to. FUCK YOU.

Maybe when you figure out what it is I want or need, or what it is you want or need, and can apply both of those to what it is WE need, then you'll figure out why I feel the way I do.

I can't even end our relationship, because quite simply, we don't have one.

You made that clear on several occasions,. and you were right.

I'm done running into that wall you've erected, only causing me to build mine back up. I'm done feeling like I need to constantly drop hints for more affection and attention, and only then, will you appease me by doing so, like it's a chore. I'm done feeling guilty for the actions of others that cause you to be jealous. I'm done.

|crass|

I'm having an utterly bad day, to say the least. I'm in a lot of pain today. I'm still recooping, and I'm feeling overly anxious, sore and just exhausted. I haven't really slept in the past 3 days. All thanks to this marvelous surgery that I had and the stress from thinking about it, worrying, and now anticipating the results. As if this wasnt enough to weigh me down, I get a call from my DR today, telling me that I need to cease all alcohol consumption, reevaluate my prescriptions and have reoccuring bloodwork for the next year, all due to my liver enzymes being fucked up and my bloodwork being less than desirable. So now, more to worry about.

Then, I spend my day feeling ignored, but hey, nothing to worry about, I'm sure it's just me. So I set out to try and function normally. I thought by going out for lunch and shopping a little, I'd be less privvy to worry about everything, not so much. I still worried and I in turn, wore myself completely out and created more pain then necessary. Yay me.

Then, I come home to wrap some of the Xmas gifts I purchased and relax, only to find out that we're having company over and family time, (note my enthusiasm). So, I cease all holiday activities and spend my night playing cards, cuddling my niece (the highlight), and playing mediator for my father and brother-in-law. During which time, I picked Kiyah up and felt something pop in my abdomen, so now, I'm suffering a tad bit more. Then I recall the whole "no lifting anything over 10lbs for the next week". Lovely. Since she's a chunky butt little monster, and really, no one can resist cuddling her and just eating her up.

After everything is said and done, I now have to put up with the attitude from the "so-called", hell, I dont know what to call him, because we have no titles or labels, but anyway, yes, him. Because apparently, I'm a pessimistic girl, and I bring him 'down'. I'm so fucking sorry I'm not some big fucking ray of sunshine all the fucking time. I just had surgery, I can barely fucking walk, and I'm miserable. Shoot me.

I'm tired of feeling less than adequate, not quite good enough and the reason for all his moods. I'm not going to feel bad for his snide little remarks that he likes to slide in either. Yes, there are a million other people who fucking care about me, and a few men who would love nothing more than to be the main man in my life, but apparently, the fact that I chose YOU, means nothing. So you can just continue to throw that in, in attempt to make me feel guilty. But, I don't.

I'm not going to continue to sit by and fail you, either. Afterall, that is what you insinuate when you constantly attack my doubt and negativity. But, you forget, I'VE done nothing wrong. I NEVER have given you reason to distrust me or to doubt me. NEVER. I might have made the mistake of not telling you how I've felt once or twice, and I might have walked away from you when I should have spoken my mind, but my emotions are chaotic and sometimes lack the sense of coming together when needed. But, I'd never do anything to make you doubt how it is I feel.

I'm torn right now. And now, yes now, I need time. Because I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punished for the actions of others. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the cause.

I didnt need this, not now.

mhm

Something
Something you hate about the person you love:	Stubborness.
Something you wish your mother or father had warned you about:	Love isn't guaranteed.
Something that's holding you back from achieving your dreams:	Money.
Something you think you could win an award for:	Writing.
Something you fear more than anything:	Dying alone.
Something you wish people would understand:	My sense of humor.
Something that keeps you going everyday:	My past.
Something amazing that happened last summer:	Oc, Md.
Something you hate that people say:	"my bad"
Something you refuse to pay money for:	Sex.
Something you wish you could have told that person that you never saw again:	I love you.
Something that really stands out about last year:	My car accident.
Something you like that everyone else thinks is weird:	Sushi.
Something that makes you laugh every time it happens:	When someone falls.
Something that makes the problems in your life not seem so bad:	His voice.
Something you listen to when you're in a really good mood:	The Toadies.
Something you do when you're trying to calm down:	Drive/Write.
Something you do when you wake up at three AM:	Make tea.
Something you love doing on cold rainy days:	Snuggling.
Something you absolutely love about that Certain Person:	His smile.
Something amazing that's happened this year:	My Utah vacation.
Something that you always run into/trip over:	The garbage can.
Something that irritates you more than anything:	Slow drivers.
Something you're addicted to/can't stop doing:	Applying chapstick.
Something you had to give up but didn't want to:	My old job.
Something that really stands out about you:	My eyes.
Something about you that's like everyone else:	Nothing.
Something that really stands out about that Certain Person:	His eyes.
Something that you say a lot that others have picked up on:	Hmph!
Something that makes you change the channel:	Infomercials.
Something that really turns you on:	Kissing.
Something that really turns you off:	Sloppy kissing.
Something you wish you could change about your life:	The last 6 years.
Something you think about every night before you go to sleep:	If I'll wake up?
Something that you don't think will ever change about you:	My cynicism.
Something about you that you think will soon change:	My fear.
Something that broke your heart as a child:	My mother's ex.
Something that really sparks your interest:	Poetry/Art.
Something that truly disgusts you:	Child abusers.
Something the opposite gender has complimented you on:	My eyes.
Something you wish that Certain Person would see in you:	My trust.
Take this survey / PimpSurveys.com

..?

i'm confused.

i'm worried.

i feel like i'm crumbling again.

grr

why does he get to me?! why?!
i just dont understand.. i don't fucking get it..

argh.

|fuck|

i started out having such a good fucking day..

then i go shopping, Xmas shopping, hoping it'll set my Christmas mood afloat.. hah.

i get overly aggravated with the overeager shoppers who can't control their carts, let alone their cars or children.. then there is the constant Lay-Away announcements, because everyone and their fucking mother has a lay-away, apparently.. and is waiting in excess of an hour or more for them to find it, so they're announcing names every 5 fucking minutes for these people to produce themselves at the back of the store for their boxes.. lovely.. as the line for lay-away is now about 5 city blocks long and going through one of the aisles i need to fucking shop in.. i hate you, all of you Walmart shoppers.. and all of you fucking lay-away people who are taking up my fucking aisle.. damn you all too hell..

i won't even begin to describe the parking lot fiasco and the fact i had to park in the lawn and garden center area.. that closes at fucking 10pm, so i had to leave thru the supermarket area and walk clear across the parking lot, due south..

then i come home, to do my banking.. and i realize.. Christmas cost far more this year, than last..

and now, now i'm depressed and broke and moody..

i need to go back to work.. even if it kills me.. i dont care if I have to write the cardiologist report myself..
i'm going fucking back..

they want me out for a week after the surgery, but fuck it, who needs recovery time? i've done far worse to my body before.. besides, if my heart cant take it, its an easy way out.. heh

blah.

[boredom]

The Basics
Full Name	Jennafer Lynn (Insert last name here for stalking rights)
You like it?	Not so much
Birthdate	11.24.1977
Height/Weight	5'3 and a 1/3 apparently, I weight more than you, maybe
Eye Color	Blue/Green/Grey depending on what mood I'm in
Hair Color	Brown
Can you...
Drive?	Yes, can you?
Drive a manual?	No.
Touch your nose with your tongue?	Yes!
Cook?	Of course, I'm female.
Dance?	Like a rockstar
Sing?	I couldnt carry a tune if I were Jesus and it were a cross.
Sew?	Buttons.
Speak another language?	Si, senor.
Have you ever...
Eaten sushi?	I love the sushi.
Been in love?	I am IN love, I think.
Skipped school?	Several years worth.
Made prank calls?	When I was 12
Done illegal drugs?	Too many to count, you think I'm this fucked up naturally?
Stolen something worth more than ?	I steal hearts, then break them.
Flashed someone?	hahah! Britt, answer this for me!
Been drunk?	Highly intoxicated, yes.
Eaten squid?	I love calamari.
Been to New York City?	Yes.
Been to London?	No.
Favorite
Drink	Alcoholic-Cosmopolitan : Non Alcoholic-Water
Soda	Diet Cherry Coke
Food	Chinese/Italian
Restaurant	Paquale's
Color	Grey
Artist	As in Painting, or as in Music?
Album	The Wall.
Website	http://www.cybersocieties.com
The Last
Person to hit you	My father
Person you wanted to hit	My Ex.
Person you hugged	Stephanie
Person you kissed	Stephanie
Person you wanted to kiss you	Jaxson.
Country you've been in	I live in the USA, so I'm IN this country daily, but the last country I visited was Canada
Car you've driven	2005 Chevy Colorado
Law you've broken	I break a few daily.
Thing you ate	Sammich
Thing you drank	Water
Thing you said	I love you.
Book you read	The Da Vinci Code, again.
Show you watched	Law & Order, CI.
Take this survey / PimpSurveys.com

|melodrama|

its one of those days..
i feel utterly distant and alone..

it always seems to come in spurts..
one day good, next day, not so much..

i hate distance, i hate knowing he's too far away to touch..

as each day goes by, it gets harder to deal with..
its like an anchor that is just slowly dragging me to the bottom..

i wish i had the words at the time that i needed them..
to assure him that i need him more than i've ever needed anyone..

i wanted to look in his eyes and just stress how much i loved him..
and that all the time in the world, could never change that..
but i couldnt convey it, and i failed him and myself..
by walking away in silence, with nothing but regret and tears..

i hate waking up without him..
those 6 days spoiled me, and made me realize it's where i want to be..
in his arms.. for as long as he'll let me..

i'm going to return to being emo and crawl back into bed..
its about the only place that seems 'home', lately..