|selflessness|

one day,..

maybe i won't be ashamed of who or what i am..

or how i look, or who i've become..

or even who i'm yet to evolve into..

maybe..

Oi.

So..
I just got a call from a company, that I wanted to work for, for an awfully long time..

Downside was, they were about an hour away..
I left an old job due to travel time and distance, and it was closer than they were..

Upside, this company has relocated and is now about 15-20 minutes away from me, which in all, isn't really that bad, since it's 2 miles off the interstate exit..

I've been busting my ass at the Pharmacy, contracted, and don't even know if they intend on keeping me, even though I'm doing better than 98% of the fucktards that werre brought in with me..

However, said job is 8 minutes away and the hours are ideal.. even if it's mandatory OT..

New job requires no mandatory OT and it's 10-7pm, with an hour lunch..
however, the training is 6 weeks, paid, and 830-530..
with the potential to move down to complete days within a few months.. guaranteed.. 8-5 or 730-430.. score.

I don't know what to do..

I need my car fixed, because of course, it's a priority, and with that being said, I need to maintain this job to accept the possibility of expanding into a new position with the new job..

Problem? I'm sick, and I don't seem to be getting better, I just keep getting gradually worse.. and I need a week or two to myself.. but in order to make everything work, I need to keep working to cover all my bills, the car being fixed and my ass..

Stress? Good fucking lord, I've never been more stressed..

The job of a lifetime and I'm a wreck..

Thanks God, I knew you hated me, just not this much..

|sigh|

here i am..

another mistake

just waiting to be made

just as..

i'm the third lyric

in your love song made for two

i am..

an atrocity in action

who is..

wickedly self-destructive

and a trainwreck to behold

lovely in its monstrosity

stubborn and bold

you kill me, beautifully

|frustration|

.......

no words..

none.

|void|

null and void, thats about how i feel
you leave me to my own vices
when you're supposed to be my saving grace

i feel more alone now, than ever

.....

you've no idea what i'm going through..
so stop preaching and stop assuming you do..

i'm sick of trying to come up with words to get it across to you..
i can't even describe how i feel inside, let alone how to describe the pain..

death.. death would be better..

on a better note..
i was accepted to submit a portfolio for suicide girls..

this makes me kind of happy, but we'll see..
i'm still a little indecisive.. i think..

story.

to whom it may concern:

i remember when our conversations lasted for hours.. when there wasn't a silence that lasted more than a few moments, or atleast, just a few giggles.. the nights where we didn't want to hang up because there was simply too much more to say, or just because we wanted to listen to the others voice.. i remember the stories about our childhood, those that made us laugh and those that made us cry, because we were getting comfortable enough with one another that we were able to speak freely about it.. and vulnerable enough to trust one another with anything, including the things that made us who were are and who we're yet to become.. the truth behind the tormented youth that lead us to each other and bonded us with understanding and compassion, love and friendship.. i remember how we couldn't wait to learn more or couldn't go an hour without some sort of contact.. how we began speaking about a future, a future together and the majority of our conversations began to revolve around marriage, children, and even their future names.. i think back to the nights that we wouldn't sleep, because all we did was laugh about how neither of us knew how to approach the other with our feelings.. or how childish we could be with one another.. i remember the way you made me feel when we first started talking, how wanted and important i was to you.. how you seemed to need to remind me constantly that i was special and my smile was gold.. i reminisce about the first time i told you i loved you, how spur of the moment, yet so right it felt.. i also remember seeing your face for the first time, and knowing in that moment, i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you..

then i got scared.. i retaliated.. i hurt us both.. and i left.. with words unsaid and a life, unfinished..

then, you hurt me, a few times.. i got bitter.. and held a grudge.. i didn't want to ever trust you again..

and here we are..

conversations short.. more fighting then laughing.. no talks of future endeavors.. just.. typical, day to day banter.. i feel like i'm being slighted.. or i'm missing a very valid and important part of a relationship that once made me feel so whole..

i don't want to become the typical and normal, run of the mill couple.. i don't want distance or constant moments of silence filling the airwaves, when they're all i have, they're all i have to keep me close to you.. air..

maybe it's me.. maybe it's you.. maybe it's both of us.. but i feel like we're just existing, instead of living.. and we're not even existing together, we're coexisting 3 thousand miles apart.. and doing a shat job of it..

i love you, i love us, but i miss the old 'us'.. the love-sick, stupid us that got lost in one another..

i miss feeling completely complete.. because i miss you more than i'd miss air occupying my lungs..

blargh.

i'm sick.. lethargic would be better, but right now, we'll just say sick..
i slept about 9 hours, on and off, but still, slept.. and here i sit, as though i didn't sleep AT ALL..

my mouth is dry and my throat is all yuck and feels swollen on the inside..
i have post nasal drip and my voice sounds horrid.. (all of this i'm sure you just LOVE reading)..
my tummy is all in knots and everything i ingest, including water, makes me want to vomit..

everytime i turn around, i have a fucking cold or something..
i know because of my heart my immune system is out of wack..
but this, this is unFUCKINGreal already..

i'd so pay someone to kill me right now..

but really, i sometimes think i like living my life miserable and negative..

and off to work i go..

|danger|

-sigh-

i don't know why i do the things i do..
especially why i do them while oblivious to everything around me..
in a state of disarray and intoxicated anger..

i'm an idiot..
and i always say/do stupid things while drunk..
the fact that i do them to people whom i love, is also an atrocity..

i really feel horrid right now..
i can't even fathom words to use to describe how it is, i feel..

i just want to crawl into a corner, because i feel that low..

i don't deserve anything, nothing.

|thoughts|

sometimes..

i'm left reaching, arms outstretched..
in the background..

you're slowly fading into the horizon..
and there i am, still waiting..

still reaching..

|run|

my mascara runs when i think of you there, and i here.. alone, without you

i smile when no one is looking, because it's easier to fake it

i rather be lonely, than forgotten

the days go by, oh so slow

i find solace in silence and silence in every minute that passes

blah

my head feels like it's going to explode..
i've never had headaches this bad, unless they were migraines..
but this, this is just pain.. and throbbing.. my god, kill me..

i have to wait an hour before i take my meds again for the night..
so, i popped a darvocet and a xanax.. again, empty stomach..
heh, sometimes, i think i'm purposely trying to get myself into an early grave..

but anyway..
i'm aggravated.. not only with pain but a lot of other junk on my mind..
i'm scattered again, just when i feel myself piecing things together, they all come apart..

i wish my life were easier..
but, it's not..

i'm alone and i'm frustrated.

-sigh-

please, just let me fall
deep into the mess we created
let it swallow me whole

i don't need salvation
i just needed you to love me

i knew the possibility of the pain
the heartache that would remain
and the constant reminder that memories..
would be all that i had left

i don't need your arms around me
or a smile to make me feel less alone
i didn't need the misery of wasted months

i just needed you to love me
instead, you let me down..

*
i dont know whats wrong with me
i think i lost my talent somewhere..

|rawr|

Music Video: Cold (But I'm Still Here) (by Evans Blue)

Video provided by iVideoCode.com

...bah!

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately..
and it seems to really be eating at me..

i need to just go with the flow i guess..
but i honestly don't know how much longer i can hang in there..

|whore|

you should want me..

like everyone else wants me..

shy

pleh.

shizZam

tryst

Screw Off.

i'm so sick of acting like i give a fuck...
i don't.

seriously.

|heh|

it becomes really apparent to me that you try too hard to get under my skin..
or get a reaction out of me..

for someone who claims to love me, i'd think you'd know better..

....

|typical AB converstion|

ordained Lex: i swear, i need aa personal assistant like whoa
IabeIized: a personal assistant?
IabeIized: like a sexretary?
ordained Lex: yes
ordained Lex: well sorta
ordained Lex: but they actually needa do STUFF
IabeIized: get a palm pilot, women are worthless
IabeIized: ;D
ordained Lex: thats why i want a personal assistant
ordained Lex: somneone to manage my bills and pay them, remember birthdays, do my laundry and cook bacon.
IabeIized: thats a wife, Alex.
IabeIized: not a personal assistant.
ordained Lex: thats ALL i want them for
IabeIized: lol
IabeIized: get a maid.
ordained Lex: very specifically
ordained Lex: i think itd be easier to get a wife
IabeIized: hahah
IabeIized: true
ordained Lex: yanno upon thinking about it a wife is a better option anyways
ordained Lex: shed shove me out of bed when i hit snooze on the alarm too many times like today
IabeIized: see!
ordained Lex: im seriously only a partially functioning adult....
IabeIized: no, you're just male.
IabeIized: with that comes the rules of the penis
IabeIized: work
IabeIized: sleep
IabeIized: shit
IabeIized: eat
IabeIized: repeat

|fuck your thoughts|

i've no words this time..

i need to make changes, a lot of them..

and if i say nothing, i can continue on, making those changes..

but, if i don't say anything, i'm still in the wrong..

i'm still doing something not right, still the one who can't say anything correctly..

i don't know what to do..

everyone offers advice, tells me to do what makes me happy..

my happiness laid in his hands.. because it was the love in my heart that made me happy..

then, he dropped it..

each accusation, each assumption, every finger pointed..

it cracked a little more each time..

i won't continue faking to smile..

and i won't continue lying about how happy i am..

i'm not happy anymore..

i'm broken and i feel misplaced..

you fail to see that each argument, each moment of silence..

it continually pushed me further into a corner..

i've been in this corner for quite some time now..

you asked how i managed to not push anyone else away..

no one else has emotionally drained me to utter exhaustion..

no one else manipulated every word i spoke..

no one else got inside my head and heart and suffocated both..

i guess i did have words.. afterall..

i just wish i knew how to get things back to good, i mean, they were good at one point in time, werent they?

|ventilation|

You know what pisses me off.. the fact that every time we fight, you make it conveniently my fault. It's either something I did, something I said, or a way I made YOU feel. Even when it's not intended that way, you don't bother to ask, you ASSUME and then turn it into yet another argument.

Then, when I try to smooth things over and move on from said-stated argument, I accept the blame (since YOU'RE putting it on me anyway), and you've the fucking audacity to call me a 'victim', or atleast playing the so-called part of one. AFTER you initially made me at fault for everything to begin with. How convenient, yet again.

Do you ever consider how I feel? EVER? Apparently, you do not. BECAUSE, if you did, you might see how I perceive things every once and again. You claim that you love me, IF you loved me, you'd not throw things that you know WILL hurt me, in my face, ALL the time. I guess playing the victim is something I do very well, since every time we bicker, you decide to make sure you call me one. All because for the sake of argument, I take full responsibility and that makes me some kind of fucking martyr, some sort of wanna-be victim.

Well, fuck you.

Oh and least not forget the whole: "You can have anyone you want, remember?" comments.

That's fucking right, I CAN have anyone I want. But again, the fact that I'm with you means NOTHING. You always love to remind me that my vanity is of course, in vain. It must bother you a lot, knowing that people want me, to have to throw it in my face at every given opportunity. A man would be proud that his woman is wanted and beautiful, admired even. He'd pride himself on the fact she is content in her own skin, to acknowledge it. But, no. Not you. I guess I should go back to being a victim and hide in a corner.

I'm so fucking sick of trying to convey things to you, and your hard-headed ways blocking it all. You want to be stubborn, so be it, but don't fucking play the pot and kettle game with me, because I know it all too well.

I sit here, 3k miles away, daily, nightly, wondering, waiting, crying, but it means nothing. None of it means anything at all, if you consistently can't fathom why. I digress, you DO know why, but you fail at realizing it.

I went through enough shit in my life, that I don't need this. I don't need to feel emotionally broken down. Which, by the way, you make me feel, almost at a constant rate.

It seems like you have this down to a science.

Jenna feels alone and distanced, so I'll use her words against her, then make her feel at fault, I'll blame her for my own inadequecies, make her feel even worse, and then call her a victim because she's accepting the blame I bestowed on her.

Maybe then, you can play the disappearing game again or shut me out, tell me to go fuck myself and argue with me for a few days, break me down some more, because you know I constantly give in..

I can't do this.. I am not strong enough to continually do this cat and mouse shit.

|3am|

its a bad idea to sleep after work..

then you're up all night, kind of..

i woke up at 3am and was like, wtf?

heh

i feel like shit.

i've so much on my mind,..

i've been thinking...

• odds are when you need someone the most, they won't be there
• no matter how in love you think you are, something/someone will come along and/or happen to make you question it
• boys tell the sweetest lies, friends tell the bitter truth
• you might not be able to pick your family, but you can kick their ass to the curb
• truth is: you're going to get hurt, heartbroken, used, abused, taken for granted, and of course, loved.. take it all as it comes, embrace it, then breathe deep and move the fuck on
• it's ok to feel worthless, because the day will come when you feel invincible
• people do come AND go, let them GO
• don't convince yourself you need someone, you don't need anyone but you
• if someone can't be there for you when you need them, then really, why did you need them to begin with?
• find yourself, before seeking another
• love IS a rarity, overrated, and a falacy, but it's also amazing and addictive
• when you're right, don't back down - when you're wrong, smile
• it's ok to be cranky, every day, even on holidays, and no, you don't need to provide someone with an explanation
• it's ok to cry, even if it's for no reason what-so-ever
• tell someone you miss them, even if they've only been gone a few moments, you honestly don't know when you'll see them again
• sometimes, words aren't enough

...

dr's..
fights..
arguments..
lonliness..

and nothing..
nothing short of feeling abandoned..

blah

|letdown|

3 days.. and not even a call..
a few sporadic texts yesterday..

its not that i dont sympathtize.. because i do..
but, i'm supposed to be your girlfriend..
the one you love, whom you claim to be your everything..

here it is, Valentine's Day.. and everyone else called, but you..

5 minutes, that was all i needed.. just 5 minutes..

you build me up, only to let me down..

|sonny|

thanks for the smile.

|fuck|

he's here, again..

i was invited to dinner manana night..

i have actually contemplated going..
but, anyone who is anyone knows the outcome already..

fight, silence, fighting, silence, he'll probably toss a backhand, and then we'll fight more..

then, he'll leave and i wont have to worry for another few months...


why do i bother? WHY does he bother?!!?
just fucking get on with your life and STOP worrying about me and coming back..

we ended it, a long LONG time ago..

i dont need this, not now..
not when i'm content-ish..

especially not this close to the anniversaries of everything traumatic..
you plan it all, i know you do..

|smart|

In the space between the lines there is you.
Living between the lines.

Line one - accept the rules of the world, or at least accept that there are rules
Line two - accept who you are, but more importantly who you are not
Line three - choose your music, your food, and your friends. Never choose who to love
Line four - accept the fact you may want to change your mind, or not
Line five - be happy with the ones that love you, and accept the fact that others may not
Line six - cherish your moments of satisfaction, they may be your best
Line seven - live your life only for yourself. Others have their own lives to live for
Line eight - surprise yourself with something new. A day with no surprises is a day you lost
Line nine - death will come. Accept it and just enjoy your time living
Line ten- make up your own space between the lines. It is all up to you

*i needed to post this..
it hit home.. and the picture is one of my wishlist items on DA.
<3

|jka|

i can't even begin to describe the love i have for him..
and knowing he loves me just as much, well, it's surreal, frightening, but nevertheless, wonderful..
i received his package this morning and spent all day anticipating opening it..

it was worth it, the wait that is..
but, i promised him i'd wait until he was awake to do so..

the card alone made my whole week..
everything else he packed inside was a bonus..
i cried for hours..

his scent is filtering throughout my whole room..
and it makes me miss laying in his arms even more than usual..
but, the fact that he knew what i wanted more than anything, melts me..
i want to curl up inside the box and just engulf myself in his lingering scent..

i remember sitting in the airport.. surrounded by it..
holding his shirt close to my face, so i didnt feel so alone..

i miss him, i miss his touch, his kisses, his.. just him.. his everything..

love isn't supposed to feel like this, is it? this powerful?
my heart could implode inside my chest..

i love him.. with everything that is me.

|manic|

im having episodes again
and no one understands..

i feel empty, i feel alone, and most of all, i feel completely unimportant..
its nothing anyone did, but more so the way i perceive things, things i feel..

i wish i could disappear.

|sigh|

i just don't understand at times..
i dont know how you can honestly tell me i'm the one..
and yet, still do things that make me feel like i'll never be good enough..

of course, i'm sure its me, it's always me..
but, i.. i just don't know anything anymore.

;I

true story, i'm sorry.

|speed|

sometimes i wonder why..
why i bother to continue feeling unimportant..

or why when i am told i am important..
i witness things that make you seem like such a liar..

i dont know what i'm doing..
or why things get to me so badly..

but maybe, this isnt the best thing..

maybe i'm just another mistake waiting to be made..

i'm so sick of feeling like i'm going nowhere..
going nowhere fast with you..
just more circles to be ran around..

|failure|

he apparently has no idea how much i adore him.nor can he fathom the depth of my love..this saddens me greatly, to the point of utter failure..

i don't feel like i should even bother moving forward..to do what? to keep failing both of us..because if i were doing it right, you would have no room for questioning it..
you're right, i have a million other men who want me..men who'd do ANYTHING for me and my heart..
but, i gave it to you, and you just keep giving it back..

i can't do this anymore, i can't keep hanging on to someone who is constantly letting me go..someone who doesn't see how i perceive them..someone who is always second guessing my emotions..

i have my doubts, but i never doubt your love.. i may have in jest, but never did i once not believe how much i meant to you..

apparently, i am to blame for just about everything..and i am another failure in your life..
i'm sorry for wasting your time.

|fuck you|

last time i checked..
you weren't latin, hispanic, spanish, or mexican..

so i don't understand where you get off telling me what "I" said..
especially when there are a million ways to say it or derivitives of the spanish language..

i'm tired of being made to feel like i'm being accused of something..

you apparently cant handle the fact that i'm yours..
because you're always making me feel like i'm wanting to "push" you away..

i "KNOW" when i'm pushing..

maybe i'll start..