|FUCK you|

i'm fucking hurt..

i'm fucking upset..

i'm fucking pissed off..

i'm fucking seething..

i'm fucking livid..

i'm fucking heartbroken..

i'm just ..

FOR FUCKS SAKE.. I don't FUCKING know anything.. not anymore..

the pain, the fucking pain.. thats all i know..

YOU make me cut pieces away.

there should be no room for excuses or explanations..
NONE..

i'm done, i'm not a gullible little girl.. i'm a fucking woman, with a heart, who was putting her best foot forward and everything on the line..

you should have known the possibility could have arose and chose to inform me.. but yet, you didnt..
so now what makes you believe that i'm going to suck it all up and believe you now..
NOW that you've been caught..

you tell me i'm jumping to conclusions, and that you're pissed off..

I'M THE ONE ON THE FUCKING RECEIVING END OF THIS..

but, i suppose that matters not..

i fucking hate you right now..

|swallow it down|

i dont know how to even begin to explain how i am these days.. it's rather hard to face up to emotions that are so new and different that you don't even want to think about them let alone have to describe them to someone..

i've become this jealous woman, this constantly thinking, constantly wondering, analytical woman..

i've NEVER been jealous in my life, never.. i havent envied anyone or what they've had, i've never wanted what someone else had, i've never been jealous of any other woman that had come into a significant other's life in previous relationships, nothing.. this is all new to me, all of it..

i don't quite know when it happend.. perhaps after numerous failed relationships and one devastating and destructive marriage/divorce, being used and abused, cheated on twice, and drained of all self worth.. something inside of me snapped.. something made me this way.. it took all of my pride, vanity and independence and turned it into doubt, distrust and insecurity..

i went from KNOWING i had someone and priding myself on that fact, to being in a constant state of fear of losing someone.. it's rather insane..

i cant just come to you with this because i'm ashamed of how i am.. how i feel.. and how i behave and act when i get like this.. and then you seem to just get more angry and that in turn makes me turn away even more..

i cant help being hurt and being angry, and i cannot help how my mind goes into hyperdrive with thoughts of your past, present and what could happen in the future.. all i can do is WORK on it and try to repair the damage that has occured from every other man that has tainted, jaded, destroyed, lied and broken me down..

this is not an easy task..

i havent lied to you, i do want to progress, but i want to know you want it too, i want to know i'm the only one that see's certain sides of you, that gets treated a certain way, and that holds your heart.. i want to trust in the fact that you're not talking to other people the way you talk to me.. i want to believe everything you say to me without ever needing to question one word..

maybe there is no hope, maybe i'm so self-destructive that i cant fix whats been done..

maybe i'll continue to push until you're completely gone and i'm falling over the edge..

i feel so empty right now..

|disappointment|

i'm slightly bothered by a conversation held earlier tonight.. and though i should know better then to probe or lead myself into it further, no, i digress, i am an idiot.. i keep going and then when i decide i want no further information, it's offered anyway and my mind runs with it..

even if said stated information should not bother me.. it does.. i'm a woman, i read into things, i analyze them and then i use them to feed the already massive amount of insecurity that i have..

i really need to reevaluate the way i think.. and how to utilize the information that i have.. instead of letting it destroy me..

or by assuming that said stated behaviour is possibly continuing, and then really, who am i to care? i walked away, i've no ties or rights or reasons to be upset.. do i? bah.

i'm thinking too much again..

|vulnerable|

everything i am, flawed and imperfect.. all for you, if you want it.

|score|

i think i am finally starting to piece together everything.

i am on the verge of figuring out what it is that i want, i know it.. finally.

i think i am headed in the right direction and i can see who's at the finish line waiting for me.

....

i'm not perfect, i'll never be perfect, i could never strive to be perfect..

i hurt myself again, because its easier to deal with the physical pain, rather than the emotional pain of everything slowly crumbling before me..

i dont know why i dig myself deeper and deeper into this mess that i call life..

the only positive i have it getting through the next few months until you're here..
i hope i can continue holding on until then..

i love you.

|dead|

i find it easier to make little reminders of things that occur, that i cant stop..

one of them being the heart of yours i broke, all while mine was breaking with it..

you fail to see that i'm doing this for you.. not to hurt you, not to break your heart again, not to cause you grief or pain.. but, to let you go and find someone who is worthy of your heart, of your patience and time, and most of all, your love..

i cant expect you to hold on to me and wait while i find myself.. it's not fair..

i cant make promises and i cant guarantee a happy tomorrow..

i cant even focus on anything right now, i dont sleep, i cry buckets and i feel a myriad of emotions coursing through me 24 hours a day..

i wish i knew what the future was holding for both of us, but i dont.. so the only thing i know how to do is walk away and let you live..

you tell me i've no idea what love is, well, you're wrong, you shown me what it is to love and fall in love, i know love better than i've ever dreamed possible.. but with love comes responsibility, and i failed you..

for the rest of my life i'll be living with that guilt and choking on every breath i take..

death would be easier to deal with right now.. i assure you.

|meh|

sleeping is overated.

i've learned that the less sleep you get, the more productive you can be..

you can refold clothes at 2am because they just didnt look right..

you can get rid of socks at 4am, because you feel the need..

or baking brownies at 6am because you're fidgety..

even walking the neighborhood at 8am because you wanted to cry without anyone looking..

yeah, life is fucking perfect.


then, last night Steph informs me that someone asked if she and I were a 'couple', and was under the impression that we're lesbians.. because we had a picture up of us "kissing"..

uh, hello?! McFly?! Theres nothing wrong with getting tipsy and sharing a kiss with a chick, hey.. it's hot and junk.. depending on the chick.. but honestly.. the mere thought of well.. gah..

I don't fucking lick kat, kthx.

some people are fucking dolts.. end of story.

|agony|

i cant fucking do this anymore..

it hurts.. it FUCKING hurts..

why me? why the fuck is this happening?

make it all go away.. take it the fuck away..

|i'm done|

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

____________________________________________
love is death, just slower

i never thought i'd feel so empty, i mean, i know emptiness, but this, this is unreal.

people question why i hurt myself, i hurt myself because i can take full responsibility for it..

and i can beat you all to it before you weaken me with each of your blows..

i'm sick today, sick to my fucking stomach and my chest feels like someone is ice picking my heart..

i have a dinner party at 7 and the mere thought of putting on a smile for everyone sickens me more..

i'm pissed off and i'm fucking hurt and my arms bear the marks of a girl who has been let down..

if only she knew she lets herself down more often than anyone else..

fuck.

|stop the clock|

i dont want my birthday to come..
i'm growing more depressed by the minute..

i think im going to take a lot of xanax and sleep through the whole day..

:( i'm old.

|solemn|

my chest is killing me today..
i feel like its being crushed and it's kind of hard to breathe..

i hate days like this,..
sometimes i wonder if the side effects are better then the pain, and perhaps i should have stayed on the rythmol..

bah.

kill me now.. i'm already dead inside.

|spew|

i hate letting people influence my thoughts..

but, when they continuously make, what seem to be valid points, it's hard not to..

i know it's foolish and immature, and i do know that i know better, but when your mindset is already flawed for the day, their judgments and opinions seems to hold some validity..

i'm sorry for doubting yet again.. but, they only played upon something that i, myself have once thought about..

i'm naive and unworthy..

it's cold :(

|pleh|

i'm having a bad day..

i'm having an emo day..

having someone tell me i'm overly emo and need to stop stressing made me more emo and angry..

i hate you.

|thoughts|

i'm fucking exhausted.. to the point where everything is blurred and i'm just merely hanging by a thread, but i'm fighting it because i slept far too much between yesterday and today and i know that i'm feeling like this due to being over-tired.. bah!

my stomach is still killing me, i'm still sickened by the thought of food and everything makes me feel worn out and weak.. especially the extreme case of nausea..

the supposed mother will be here in 4 days, followed by the ex in 8 days.. i'm not really all that happy about this.. i'm actually a tad bit off-set..

as always, i'll make the best of the situation and try to keep my distance.. i just hope he follows my lead and keeps his as well..

i just realized how bruised my hands are from the IVs, i've actually two large black&blue marks on each one.. especially the left where the dumb cunt blew out my vein.. :

sometimes i honestly wish i would just cease breathing, it would be so much easier on everyone, including myself, i'm getting awfully tired of being sick all the fucking time..

i have this underlying fear that after this next blood scan they're going to tell me i have cancer, atleast then i'd understand why my immune system hates me.. heh

i'm getting sidetracked and delusional because i'm tired..

i miss him.. as each day goes by it just gets more and more apparent how much so..
i hope he knows that..

|note|

maybe when you can stop lying to yourself..

you can stop lying to me.

|time after time|

i am so tired.. yet, i shouldnt be..
i didnt sleep 'well' but, i slept a good amount of the night..

i've also come to the conclusion that no matter how hard i try to just focus and move forward..
he will always be my one constant thought upon waking and before sleeping..

not that i'm complaining.. it just needed to be noted.

i don't know what we are, or where we stand, or even where we'll end up..
but, i do know that im comfortable right now just knowing that you love me..
and that we're still an 'us', kind of, i think..
actually, i've no idea.. i'm just hanging on for dear life to the thought that we're something..

i'm hungry and random and i should be napping..
argh!@#!@#!

i fucking miss you.

and now i think i'm going to Quizno's because I want pickles and mushrooms with my damn turkey.

|tainted love|

tonight is one of those nights that no matter what someone says or how hard they try to assure you everything is ok and will be alright, you just cant see that silver lining..

i'm completely empty tonight, i've been empty for 3 days now.. i dont see this ending, actually, it's becoming a trend..

i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to shower, i cant bring myself to really eat anything..
nothing matters, not like it used to, and everything seems to just leave me missing him more and more..

i know i did what i did for a reason, but it still doesnt mean i don't want him here, or i there, he completes me.. and it's hard knowing that your best friend is 3 thousand miles away.. especially when all you want to do is be there, in his arms, knowing that he wouldnt let any harm come to you.. he is my security blanket, my sun, my moon, and everything in between..

i never thought the day would come where i could honestly say that i trust in someone so much that i'd turn my life over to them, but i have.. i've found him, or he found me, whichever way it came about, it did for a reason..

someone knew i needed him in my life and now my life will never be the same..

unfortunately, having to deal with the whole missing him horribly thing is rough.. my eyes are on fire from crying numerous times throughout the day, especially in the morning and before bed.. my nose is raw.. my body has random shaking episodes.. i'm a mess..

i know he says it'll get better and we have no idea what tomorrow brings, i just keep hoping that tomorrow is one day closer to the next time i can curl up inside him and just breathe..

|swing me around|

there are no words anymore..
only facial expressions that i've witnessed, which could melt me..
and stop me completely in my tracks..

nothing else really seems as important as those 6 days were..
i know i've a lot to overcome and face, and many changes to make..
and at first i didn't think you'd understand or wish to stick around..
but now, knowing that you are willing to do so, doesnt make me as afraid anymore..
i actually feel as though i can get through this and i can do it..

i still have my moments, and i still cry atleast once a day because i miss you..
that, i do believe, will not change..

I learned a lot on this trip:
she made me believe that friends are an important factor and balance in life..
and you really have nothing if you don't have friends.. especially ones such as the both of you..
and you, you made me realize how wonderful it is to be loved, unconditionally, without restriction.. and the memories that you and I made, will last a lifetime until we can make more..

i smiled today, the first time in days.. and even though i cried shortly after.. i still smiled..

i love you,.

|i want to go back|

how do you explain to someone that you could spend a lifetime in their arms?

there doesnt even need to be words, just glances and a tightened squeeze..


i dont know what happend, nor can i explain it.. i've no idea how everything just transpired as it did.. but amongst everything, there remains one constant and that is my love for you.. it's the truest form and it'll never falter..

i cant stop crying, i cant stop wishing i could get each and every one of those moments back and stay there forever..

the morning before i left, i wanted to die in your arms.. just so i could have that moment, for always and never let it go..


now, i feel as though you are letting me go, because it's easier..
i understand,.. and i'd never stop you.. just don't ever forget.. i love you.