|kgo|

you said its worth risking it all..

so,..
you broke this, now you fix it..

i'm willing to work with you..
so stop being afraid of the outcome..

|greed|

i hate how you make me cry, how you make me pout, how you make everything seem so frugal..
i hate how you took everything i ever wanted and in a moment, crushed it all..

i hate so much, but love tenfold, i wish i could hate you, but i cant..

i wish i could tell you to fuck off, to just fucking leave me alone..

i wish for a lot, but come up empty handed each time..

i wish i knew what i wanted..

|self-depreciation|

i'm so fucking heartbroken that there are no words.. literally, none..
i always have words, always.. especially to depict how hurt i am..

i woke up today, empty.. lonely and just cold inside..
even meeting up with friends didnt seem to put me in a good mood..

i couldnt eat my meal, i couldnt talk much without wanting to break into tears, i couldnt hold a conversation about their happiness, because i'm not happy, however i could smile for their good news, but it was fake and distant, nothing seemed right..

i hate not feeling like myself, and i hate knowing that for this to end, i need to overcome a lot..

i know i said previously that i wasnt sure if i were strong enough, and i thought for once, i was..
i spent the last week faking through every conversation, smiling, laughing..
figuring that i could make myself believe it was all ok and i could forget it..

you made me hurt and cry, you made me doubt myself and feel betrayed, you made me compare you to everyone else that has come and gone, YOU.. all you..

all you can say is youre sorry, but your apology doesnt mean shit to me, because you still allowed it to happen.. you still hurt me.. and now, now i need to rebuild everything from scratch..

tell me, is it worth it? is it worth putting my heart back into the line of fire, for you to possibly stab it a few more times?

maybe you want me to walk away, maybe it would be more beneficial to you, because i thought when you loved someone you did everything imaginable to keep them, to make them happy and to love them.. not let them down and break them apart.. or maybe, just maybe, i was right.. i deserve it.. all of it..

i lied to myself and to everyone else.. because i'm not ok..

i'm not FUCKING alright..

!@#!@#!@#!

bad mood.. VERY fucking bad mood..

i cant fucking sleep and my head, chaotic..

i think everything is starting to hit me and i'm done pretending that i'm ok..

i'm not ok, and i'm not going to fake my way through it anymore..

i dont know how to deal with it, and i think it's just all finally smothering me..
i've hit the breaking point and all i can think of doing is screaming at the top of my lungs..

i thought if i just kept smiling and pretending i was ok, everything would subside, but it hasnt and i dont think its going to..

this is where i run, this is where i turn my back on everything and just walk..

i didnt want this to happen, i tried to not let it make me want to push,.. but now, all i can think of doing is burying myself, far away from anything remotely resembling you, or us..

i've no words..

|imu|

you'll never know or understand just how much you mean to me, or just how often you're in my thoughts.

|pfft|

my mood is fluctuating like mad..

i wish i could get it under control..

bah!

.fu.

i got flowers.. "secret admirer".. for my bday..

i know who they're from..

heh..

i hate you, kthx.

|bd|

the inevitable day is here.. offically.. blah

i'm old and i hate it, i hate thinking that in one year from today, i'll be 30..

and i'm still as fucked up, confused, shattered and tainted as i ever was..

i have promised myself that i'd be working on things, so i can move forward in my life..

i just wish i knew where to start..

i wish life came with an instruction manual and a diagram of everything.. it would make it all so much easier, especially for me, since i'm all about the technicalities..

nothing seems to ever want to work to my advantage and when it does, it usually backfires eventually, because no one really wants to deal with me.. i don't blame them, i dont even want to deal with myself half the time.. and no one is going to be willing to wait around for me to improve myself.. its going to take a few years, it's not like i can be perfect overnight..

i'm a mess and this day makes it worse..

i wish my lonliness and negativity would just consume me completely already and i could just finally end it all with one lovely comatose slumber..

[dead bird day]

Holidays suck.

Especially when you miss people who cannot be with you for them.

I miss waking up to my gramma's hustle and bustle in the kitchen, swearing at the stove and the fact that nothing is going quite "right".. I miss being able to walk down the steps to the coffee that is constantly brewing fresh and her kiss on my forehead, assuring me that everything is fine.. But, most of all, I miss her hugs and her smile, and I miss the feeling that no matter what happend, I still had her.

When I was little, I was convinced she would live forever, I was even sure she'd outlive me. I miss those days of innocence, before knowing what trials and tribulations life could bring your way. Before having to live through taking care of her, just as she did, for me. Cancer hospitals, Chemo, Hospice, Surgeries, more Chemo. I'd endure it all over again just to hold her hand and kiss her cheek one more time. Just so she could smile, knowing I loved her as unconditionally as she loved me. How many nights I wanted to take her place. How I wished it could have been me, for someone as saintly and giving as she, should not have to endure such a horrid, drawn out death.

I also have come to realize that being away from someone is hard enough, but holidays make it worse. I love you, Jaxson. And I miss you horribly.

|randomness|

i'm having a so/so day today, but whenever i get tattooed, i zone and just relax..
i like when i have days like this, it seems like nothing can get to me or bring me down..
even if i have chaotic thoughts, they stay at bay and give me some quality happy time..

i still hate loving him, only because his love consumes me, no matter what state or frame of mind i'm in..
but, the thoughts still linger of how he hurt me, and i dont want to be constantly reminded of it..

i know he's sorry and i accept that, it's the "trying not to think of it" that still gets to me..
and the "i hope" we get back to normal and can make it through all this, that burdens me..

i think we can.. actually, i'm pretty fucking sure we can, but it still remains "if i want to"..

i constantly contemplate the scenerio as a whole and wonder if it will ever happen again? i mean, i know we're human and we all make mistakes and at times, we hurt those we love, even if we don't mean too.. but, this.. this stung right where it kills.. and although i know it was unintentional, (atleast i'm hoping and believing it was).. it still occurred and it still bothers me..

he preaches one day at a time, and so, i move forward each day.. because he is worth it, i think WE'RE worth it, as long as he continues to prove himself to me.. and make me believe that we are worth it in his eyes..

whew! so many thoughts to ponder..

oh and i feel old.

|hrm|

i've no idea what has me depressed so badly, i mean, i've a lot of ideas.. but..
i've no solutions to any of the problems..

i cant turn back time, so i'd not be able to postpone my birthday..
i cant fast forward, to absolve the pain and hurt i feel from being subjected to his mistake..
and i definitely cant take back all the years that i repressed the memories of my childhood, as to not have to constantly think about them now, and have them hinder who i am or who i'm becoming..

i just don't how to breathe anymore, i don't know how to forge through and come out on top..

i'm taking one day at a time but, it's not helping.. i'm impatient..

i want everything to be ok and alright, RIGHT fucking now..

i could literally rip the hair from my skull with how frustrated i am..

it HAS to be ok, i dont know what i'd honestly do to myself if it werent..

|incoherent|

i cried all night, literally..

i've no idea whats wrong with me..

this mood, this mood scares me, because i'm thinking things..

things i've not thought about in an awfully long time..

things that people don't normally think about..

life would be so much easier with me gone..

|restless|

i'm just not feeling it anymore..

:(

|patience|

i need something..

i've just yet to figure out what that something is..

i cried again.. im always crying..

i cant listen to certain songs..

i cant even think about certain things..

this is so hard..

|unattainable|

.

i keep telling myself that i can do this.. nothing is more important than solving this.. nothing.

i bite my lip, grind my teeth, choke on every breath and force a smile.. because thats what i need to do..
i need to know i can focus on the future and the solution.. not just the pain and the past..

i've never been a strong individual to begin with,..

this, this is a true test of strength..

|pieces|

shattered and shifted, I break away the parts of me that are left attached to you..
I try to find the best way to detach my heart from your hands, but fail with each attempt..
you hurt me and with each word, pushed the knife deeper into the wound..
I don’t know how to mend whats been done, or whether I wish to..
but with each moment that passes, I cant shake you from my thoughts..
I am still left with tremdous doubt and the agony of what was done..
I am forever inflicted with the distrust of it all and the constant fear of its reoccurence..
devastated and devoured by my own repetitive synopsis of it, I cower and crumble..
your arms were once my salvation, now they’re nothing more than a retreat..
I could loathe you from my very core and hate you with a passion..
but the love I held for you, from day one until today, will still prevail..
I just hope its enough to save us

|discontent|

everything i've ever believed in, has died.

[sore]

i dont understand, none of it.. i dont know what i did to deserve this..

i tried to be good enough for you, i tried to work past everything to be stable enough for us..

i guess i just didnt work hard enough..

i was right, everyone i love either hurts me or leaves..
so what led me to believe you were different, or we'd survive..?

maybe this is the only road i'm meant to travel..

i dont want to breathe anymore.

[pitiful]

i cant sleep.. i spent the majority of the night racking my brain and looking for answers..

everytime i attempted to doze off, i'd get about 15-20 minutes of shat sleep and pull one of those jump manuevers like i was falling off a cliff.. it wasnt fun and it happend about 7 times throughout the night..

so i decided at about 7am to get up, start laundry and clean.. after avoiding his text and phonecall, i proceeded downstairs to do the dishes, clean the kitchen and start roasting a turkey..

why, you ask? because all i can do to stop thinking about this fucking mess and him is to keep busy.. so why not have a pre-thanksgiving dinner? heh

i'm still mad, i'm still fucking hurt and upset.. i dont know what to say, what to do, what to think..
i dont want to hear his voice or his explanation, i just want to be mad for a while..

my heart is pounding and i feel like i cant breathe, i doubled my heart meds today and had to take some fucking xanax for the first time in about 5 months.. stress is a bitch..

i just never saw this coming.. i now know the true meaning of being blindsided..

and i'm still bothered that all this came from some sort of chain 'net fucking reaction from people i dont even fucking talk to, let alone KNOW..

tricia, melissa, kel.. thanks for everything.. honestly.. i never knew ya'll cared SO much.. heh

/end rant.