|shew|

He called to tell me I'm beautiful and that he was thinking of me..
Then, he sent me an email to remind me that I'm one of a kind..

If only he knew..

|him|

i've come to realize that there is no time for me..

somehow, i'm alright with that..

thanks, Kyle. <3

|shoot|

i figured i'd make it easy for you..

so i drew the bullseye on my chest..

and i even loaded the gun..

i hate you.

|harsh|

I've never felt so unwanted or unneeded in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so slighted, either.

I know he's upset and angry, annoyed and frustrated.
I also know he needs his space, as do I, and even yes, especially now.
But, you do not just CUT me the fuck out completely.

How are we supposed to have a future or a relationship of any kind, when you can't include me in this? We'd not last a week.

I can't do this, because the silence and the shutting me out is literally breaking my heart.

!@#!@#

i've come to the conclusion that people seem to flock to me.. men in general, and then try to persuade me into feeling awkward so they can take advantage of the moment..

i.e., phone fun, or trying to convince me into taking provocative pictures, just for them, because they're special and deserve them..

why am i subjected to this? do i have "easy prey" tattooed on my forehead? because if they truly knew me at all, they'd know i don't fall victim to stupid pick up lines, whining, or persuasion.

gah. grow the fuck up.

|hrmph|

I'm sick, really sick. It's starting all over again.

First the sleepless nights, the restless and irritable days, then the tense, sheer pain in my chest.
Next it'll be continuous visits to the cardiologist, numerous tests and a holter monitor for 48 hours.
I hate having heart problems, especially one they can't control. So, why they bother is beyond me.
I think they just like making me stress more by constantly having me awaiting results, even when I'm not supposed to be stressing, dolts.

I just want to curl up and die.
No one can possibly understand how wonderful that would be.
No more DR's, no more pain, no more tests or worried frenzies about job issues.
Just peace and serenity.

Again, someone apparently hates me, because I'm fated to just deal with the pain and be miserable. Bleh.

|solemn|

I'm highly upset and downright pissed off and hurt.

YOU make an ATTEMPT/EFFORT to call me more? And that is supposed to make me feel better? And feel worth it? You know what that statement made me feel? Like I'm being appeased because I once upon a time stated that I felt like you were avoiding me and didnt want to talk to me. So now, NOW you have to make an effort and attempt to call more. NOT because you miss me, or YOU WANT TO, but because, simply, you feel the 'need' to. FUCK YOU.

Maybe when you figure out what it is I want or need, or what it is you want or need, and can apply both of those to what it is WE need, then you'll figure out why I feel the way I do.

I can't even end our relationship, because quite simply, we don't have one.

You made that clear on several occasions,. and you were right.

I'm done running into that wall you've erected, only causing me to build mine back up. I'm done feeling like I need to constantly drop hints for more affection and attention, and only then, will you appease me by doing so, like it's a chore. I'm done feeling guilty for the actions of others that cause you to be jealous. I'm done.

|crass|

I'm having an utterly bad day, to say the least. I'm in a lot of pain today. I'm still recooping, and I'm feeling overly anxious, sore and just exhausted. I haven't really slept in the past 3 days. All thanks to this marvelous surgery that I had and the stress from thinking about it, worrying, and now anticipating the results. As if this wasnt enough to weigh me down, I get a call from my DR today, telling me that I need to cease all alcohol consumption, reevaluate my prescriptions and have reoccuring bloodwork for the next year, all due to my liver enzymes being fucked up and my bloodwork being less than desirable. So now, more to worry about.

Then, I spend my day feeling ignored, but hey, nothing to worry about, I'm sure it's just me. So I set out to try and function normally. I thought by going out for lunch and shopping a little, I'd be less privvy to worry about everything, not so much. I still worried and I in turn, wore myself completely out and created more pain then necessary. Yay me.

Then, I come home to wrap some of the Xmas gifts I purchased and relax, only to find out that we're having company over and family time, (note my enthusiasm). So, I cease all holiday activities and spend my night playing cards, cuddling my niece (the highlight), and playing mediator for my father and brother-in-law. During which time, I picked Kiyah up and felt something pop in my abdomen, so now, I'm suffering a tad bit more. Then I recall the whole "no lifting anything over 10lbs for the next week". Lovely. Since she's a chunky butt little monster, and really, no one can resist cuddling her and just eating her up.

After everything is said and done, I now have to put up with the attitude from the "so-called", hell, I dont know what to call him, because we have no titles or labels, but anyway, yes, him. Because apparently, I'm a pessimistic girl, and I bring him 'down'. I'm so fucking sorry I'm not some big fucking ray of sunshine all the fucking time. I just had surgery, I can barely fucking walk, and I'm miserable. Shoot me.

I'm tired of feeling less than adequate, not quite good enough and the reason for all his moods. I'm not going to feel bad for his snide little remarks that he likes to slide in either. Yes, there are a million other people who fucking care about me, and a few men who would love nothing more than to be the main man in my life, but apparently, the fact that I chose YOU, means nothing. So you can just continue to throw that in, in attempt to make me feel guilty. But, I don't.

I'm not going to continue to sit by and fail you, either. Afterall, that is what you insinuate when you constantly attack my doubt and negativity. But, you forget, I'VE done nothing wrong. I NEVER have given you reason to distrust me or to doubt me. NEVER. I might have made the mistake of not telling you how I've felt once or twice, and I might have walked away from you when I should have spoken my mind, but my emotions are chaotic and sometimes lack the sense of coming together when needed. But, I'd never do anything to make you doubt how it is I feel.

I'm torn right now. And now, yes now, I need time. Because I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punished for the actions of others. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the cause.

I didnt need this, not now.

mhm

Something
Something you hate about the person you love:	Stubborness.
Something you wish your mother or father had warned you about:	Love isn't guaranteed.
Something that's holding you back from achieving your dreams:	Money.
Something you think you could win an award for:	Writing.
Something you fear more than anything:	Dying alone.
Something you wish people would understand:	My sense of humor.
Something that keeps you going everyday:	My past.
Something amazing that happened last summer:	Oc, Md.
Something you hate that people say:	"my bad"
Something you refuse to pay money for:	Sex.
Something you wish you could have told that person that you never saw again:	I love you.
Something that really stands out about last year:	My car accident.
Something you like that everyone else thinks is weird:	Sushi.
Something that makes you laugh every time it happens:	When someone falls.
Something that makes the problems in your life not seem so bad:	His voice.
Something you listen to when you're in a really good mood:	The Toadies.
Something you do when you're trying to calm down:	Drive/Write.
Something you do when you wake up at three AM:	Make tea.
Something you love doing on cold rainy days:	Snuggling.
Something you absolutely love about that Certain Person:	His smile.
Something amazing that's happened this year:	My Utah vacation.
Something that you always run into/trip over:	The garbage can.
Something that irritates you more than anything:	Slow drivers.
Something you're addicted to/can't stop doing:	Applying chapstick.
Something you had to give up but didn't want to:	My old job.
Something that really stands out about you:	My eyes.
Something about you that's like everyone else:	Nothing.
Something that really stands out about that Certain Person:	His eyes.
Something that you say a lot that others have picked up on:	Hmph!
Something that makes you change the channel:	Infomercials.
Something that really turns you on:	Kissing.
Something that really turns you off:	Sloppy kissing.
Something you wish you could change about your life:	The last 6 years.
Something you think about every night before you go to sleep:	If I'll wake up?
Something that you don't think will ever change about you:	My cynicism.
Something about you that you think will soon change:	My fear.
Something that broke your heart as a child:	My mother's ex.
Something that really sparks your interest:	Poetry/Art.
Something that truly disgusts you:	Child abusers.
Something the opposite gender has complimented you on:	My eyes.
Something you wish that Certain Person would see in you:	My trust.
Take this survey / PimpSurveys.com

..?

i'm confused.

i'm worried.

i feel like i'm crumbling again.

grr

why does he get to me?! why?!
i just dont understand.. i don't fucking get it..

argh.

|fuck|

i started out having such a good fucking day..

then i go shopping, Xmas shopping, hoping it'll set my Christmas mood afloat.. hah.

i get overly aggravated with the overeager shoppers who can't control their carts, let alone their cars or children.. then there is the constant Lay-Away announcements, because everyone and their fucking mother has a lay-away, apparently.. and is waiting in excess of an hour or more for them to find it, so they're announcing names every 5 fucking minutes for these people to produce themselves at the back of the store for their boxes.. lovely.. as the line for lay-away is now about 5 city blocks long and going through one of the aisles i need to fucking shop in.. i hate you, all of you Walmart shoppers.. and all of you fucking lay-away people who are taking up my fucking aisle.. damn you all too hell..

i won't even begin to describe the parking lot fiasco and the fact i had to park in the lawn and garden center area.. that closes at fucking 10pm, so i had to leave thru the supermarket area and walk clear across the parking lot, due south..

then i come home, to do my banking.. and i realize.. Christmas cost far more this year, than last..

and now, now i'm depressed and broke and moody..

i need to go back to work.. even if it kills me.. i dont care if I have to write the cardiologist report myself..
i'm going fucking back..

they want me out for a week after the surgery, but fuck it, who needs recovery time? i've done far worse to my body before.. besides, if my heart cant take it, its an easy way out.. heh

blah.

[boredom]

The Basics
Full Name	Jennafer Lynn (Insert last name here for stalking rights)
You like it?	Not so much
Birthdate	11.24.1977
Height/Weight	5'3 and a 1/3 apparently, I weight more than you, maybe
Eye Color	Blue/Green/Grey depending on what mood I'm in
Hair Color	Brown
Can you...
Drive?	Yes, can you?
Drive a manual?	No.
Touch your nose with your tongue?	Yes!
Cook?	Of course, I'm female.
Dance?	Like a rockstar
Sing?	I couldnt carry a tune if I were Jesus and it were a cross.
Sew?	Buttons.
Speak another language?	Si, senor.
Have you ever...
Eaten sushi?	I love the sushi.
Been in love?	I am IN love, I think.
Skipped school?	Several years worth.
Made prank calls?	When I was 12
Done illegal drugs?	Too many to count, you think I'm this fucked up naturally?
Stolen something worth more than ?	I steal hearts, then break them.
Flashed someone?	hahah! Britt, answer this for me!
Been drunk?	Highly intoxicated, yes.
Eaten squid?	I love calamari.
Been to New York City?	Yes.
Been to London?	No.
Favorite
Drink	Alcoholic-Cosmopolitan : Non Alcoholic-Water
Soda	Diet Cherry Coke
Food	Chinese/Italian
Restaurant	Paquale's
Color	Grey
Artist	As in Painting, or as in Music?
Album	The Wall.
Website	http://www.cybersocieties.com
The Last
Person to hit you	My father
Person you wanted to hit	My Ex.
Person you hugged	Stephanie
Person you kissed	Stephanie
Person you wanted to kiss you	Jaxson.
Country you've been in	I live in the USA, so I'm IN this country daily, but the last country I visited was Canada
Car you've driven	2005 Chevy Colorado
Law you've broken	I break a few daily.
Thing you ate	Sammich
Thing you drank	Water
Thing you said	I love you.
Book you read	The Da Vinci Code, again.
Show you watched	Law & Order, CI.
Take this survey / PimpSurveys.com

|melodrama|

its one of those days..
i feel utterly distant and alone..

it always seems to come in spurts..
one day good, next day, not so much..

i hate distance, i hate knowing he's too far away to touch..

as each day goes by, it gets harder to deal with..
its like an anchor that is just slowly dragging me to the bottom..

i wish i had the words at the time that i needed them..
to assure him that i need him more than i've ever needed anyone..

i wanted to look in his eyes and just stress how much i loved him..
and that all the time in the world, could never change that..
but i couldnt convey it, and i failed him and myself..
by walking away in silence, with nothing but regret and tears..

i hate waking up without him..
those 6 days spoiled me, and made me realize it's where i want to be..
in his arms.. for as long as he'll let me..

i'm going to return to being emo and crawl back into bed..
its about the only place that seems 'home', lately..

|pssssha|

i was thinking...
they say:

life is a play and all the world a stage

well, if that's the case

i must have missed my part and forgot my lines

i want another role

-J-

randomness:

i hate 99.9% of the human population, equally & unconditionally, i do not believe in favortism.

i love rain, i want to be kissed in the rain, like its the last kiss on earth.

i like being spoiled and reassured, even if i don't act like it, i still do.

i bite my bottom lip, alot.. especially if i'm nervous or frustrated.

i have a few, ok several, OCD's, mainly with dishes being in the sink and socks laying on/over the floor, but again, that's just 2 of several.

i have insomnia and it's sometimes severe, unless someone is sleeping next to me, then i can sleep for days.

i am addicted to chapstick and lipgloss, they're my best friends.

i love cuddling, i'm a cuddle whore.

clowns, spiders, the Halloween movie theme music & Michael Myers, thunder and mosquito's are all the spawns of satan and could possibly send me into cardiac arrest.

i love poetry, any and/or all.. except for my own, then i'm my own worst critic.

i touch people more so with my words, then my own two hands.

i do not trust anyone, ever..

i've only been in love once.. and highly doubt i ever will be again, because i don't want to be. Y

slow driver's in the passing lane, people who chew with their mouth open, gum smackers, egotistical bastards, people who judge others before even speaking to them, dumb fucking racists, abercrombie clad whores, liars, cheaters, back stabbing so-called friends, and my parents should all be strung up, upside down while being bludgeoned to death with steel baseball bats.

i hate myself more than i hate anyone else, ok, that's a lie, i hate my exhusband more.. but i'm second on the list.

i love sarcasm, it's swoon worthy.

i still wish on stars, every night, because i do believe someday, the one i wish on won't burn out.

i'm a little girl who still wants her prince to come and rescue her.

i want someone to want me for who i am, not what i am, what i look like or who they want me to eventually be.

|fo'sho|

i think my NYs resolution this year will be: to finally be "happy&content".

i cant wait to see how well this works out.. heh.

|truth|

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking.. she wants you to hold her hand.

When she wants a hug.. she will just stand there.

When you break a girls heart.. she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later.

When a girl is quiet.. millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing.. she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions.. she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine", after afew seconds.. she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you.. she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest.. she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you.. she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup, she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever.

|so0kie|

i feel so weak today.

i had the DR's at 930am, they did the CTscan and took about 9 tubes of blood, literally.
it got to the point where i nearly passed out and was clotting while they were still in my vein, so they had to repoke me twice.. bleh.

they said i should have the results of the blood scan by next Tuesday.
thats great, just in time for my surgery.. heh.

i feel like everything has been taken from me.. and i've just nothing left to give..

Davids advice worked, i didnt realize they were even drawing so much blood until they had to repoke me, then it all went to shit.. !@#!@#!@#

i hate being scared of whats to come, i hate knowing that there has to be something wrong, especially for me to be sick all the time and so exhausted and weak..

i hate fearing the future when i cant even live for today..

i feel so alone.

now i'm going back to being miserable and sore and doing my laundry..

|whatever|

empty

thats how i feel, actually thats how you have me feeling..

its like you dont want to talk to me or talk this out..
i can't very well overcome anything if you're not willing to be my sounding board..
you're supposed to be reassuring me that everything will be fine..
that everything WILL and CAN get back to normal, within time..
that YOU'RE not going anywhere and you do want to be with me..
YOU'RE supposed to be comforting me and allowing me to vent..

but where are you?..

thats right, gone.

Ybroken

|epiphany|

"I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long."

i'm not going to bend anymore..

i'm not going to break myself into pieces, looking for answers..

i'm not going to do anything..

i'm going to stand here and hope you know what you want..