Sometimes, you just need a new outlet.

Being pissed off at the world, helps.

=]

HmmHahh.

It's been, what seems like, forever. Although, in reality, it may as well been.
Here it is, 2008. I've not posted in months, either because I'm far too busy, or because well, I've nothing really interesting to type about.

Both wrong.

I've just been out of words.

Maybe, in the next few weeks, they'll come to me. I hope.

I've never been so wordless before.

...

I'm in a bad frame of mind right now..
I'm sinking.

|bound|

Sometimes we are bound by those we long to forget, sometimes, we're bound by those we can't and choose not to.

|la la la|

I want to say that I believe in a future, one that's fufilling and wondrous, one that leaves us speechless and awestruck. I want to continually believe that we'll both be better than our parents were and make our family proud of who we once were, who we've become and our accomplishments along the path we chose to take that got us here/there.

I want people to look at us and smile, knowing that the love we share is a priceless one that will never cease to exist, no matter how many arguments or problems we face.

I look back to those moments when we first met and were working on an "us", before we even knew an us was in the making. The afternoons where people stopped and stared at us, and made comments in regard to our "hello's" that made us movie material. The long anticipated weekends that came and went too quickly, before we really knew where and what we were headed into.

After contemplating such things, I've come to realize, I've learned a lot.

I've learned that patience is a virtue that I don't have. I've learned that even though I don't have it, it does become an acquired trait, and you learn to accept it. Whether you choose to or not, you have no control over it, so you face it. I've learned that no matter how hard I fight for another minute, another kiss, another hug, the clock doesn't wait, and you learn to let go in the anticipation of "next time", and that it's ok, because you know there will be a "next time". I've also had to learn to let go of my past regrets and realized that not all people are created the same. So, I've come to enjoy the surprises of new and exciting things/feelings, without the constant struggle of distrust and doubt lingering overhead.

I always found myself wanting to be perfect. I wanted to be the one that was wanted indefinitely. I wanted to be skinny and beautiful. I wanted to be admired and remembered. I wanted it all. I thought I deserved it, especially for everything I endured to get me where I am today. After years of self depreciation, self doubt, hating oneself and destroying every last inch of a former wretch of a woman, I am finally content.

I know I'm deserving. I know I'm beautiful. I know I'm capable of accomplishing the goals I've set for myself, no matter how unattainable they seem right now. Most of all, I know I'm imperfect, I know I'll never be perfect and I'm more content in knowing that, than I've ever been in my life previously.

I'm unique. I'm blunt. I'm biased and boastful. I've an attitude that makes me hated by many and envied by most. I'm crass and sarcastic. I'm full of spite and adrenaline. I'm zany and off my rocker. I'm bitter and stand offish. I'm creative and adventurous. I'm so many things. I'm a myriad of definitions and words, but I'm nothing short of wonderful.

Some say it's an ego. Some say it's a front or a persona. Some even say it's a way of life. I say, it's me, in a nutshell, because there is nothing, nor no one, in this world, that can define me.

I don't need people flocking to me. I don't need approval or praise. I don't need petty friends or fake smiles. I especially do not need any sort of retribution for past trials and tribulations. I just need security, and I have that.

I have the knowledge and intelligence to carry me places. I have the personality to take me further than anticipated. I have the walk, the talk and the smile to get me the things I want. Call it egoism, call it pride or conceit. I don't care what you label it as. Just accept the fact, I have it.

I've learned that people come and go, they point fingers and they make excuses. They use and abuse the words they speak along the lines of friendship. They, are nothing short of, petty. Empty words and promises, fake smiles, fake comfort and fake friendship. It's all they know, because they can't accept who they are, so they climb the social ladder using nothing but the skills of others. They lack the true emotion and commitment it takes to be a real friend. After cutting the ties I've had with so many people like this, I've come to find I found inner peace and understanding. I didn't need them, they.. needed me. Sad, pitiful, pathetic, but true.

However..

Love. Love has taken me by the seat of my pants, held my hand and made me understand that I'm stable enough to take a seat and enjoy the ride of my life.

I'm ready.

|fuck you|

|fuck|
So, I'm mad. Not only mad, but frustrated and a little hurt. I know to some, it might be a minute issue, but in all seriousness, in my place and position, it's rather big.

I've wanted to do/see something badly for the last few weeks, and no one else in my immediate circle has the same likings as I. So, it was hard attempting to do such a thing when no one else is remotely interested in it. So, in all hopes of someone just giving in and appeasing me, I would drop hints, or speak up about it, and no, not just little subtle hints, more like, I want to DO this, hints. One would think that someone would just finally give in, or suck it up and be like: "Ok, fine, we'll go see/do it". But, no.

Apparently, my interests are of LITTLE interest to anyone else. That, or people just don't care the fuck enough about me and my wants to appease me enough to take it upon themselves and be all: "It's ok dear, how about we do 'this' or go see 'that'.". No. Instead, I'm just to assume it doesn't matter and move on from any of the things I want to do.

Now, normally, I am fucking use to this scenerio. I am the one to SUCK it up and forget about what it is I want, and just slink down into the backseat and do what the majority rule is. Or I appease someone else and their wishes without acknowledging my own. That's typical to me. I concede and smile, even if I'm upset on the inside.

As of right now, I'm down-right fucking seething, because it's ok for you all to do something with everyone else, but when it comes to me, it's whine, whine, bitch & moan. What makes it ok when it's with other people as opposed to with me? Why couldn't you take my feelings into consideration and make the move to ask me if I wanted to see/do the same? KNOWING all along it was something I wanted?

As of right now, I'm so fucking over it. I'm to the point where I feel like I stand nowhere next to you, but rather, beneath you. Thanks for making me feel like I'm of little interest or importance to you. You can chalk yourself up to the rest of them for now.

Blah.

It fits..

Well, it's here.. and it fits.. ;]

:|

bah! weight watchers here i come!

ilu

sometimes, there are no words..
only images..
to capture the moments we'll try our best, to never forget..
i only wish time stood still..

i love you.

bah.

I'm not in a good mood today.

I don't feel well and off to work I go.

la la la.

Someone has been telling me to move on, let go, live for myself, focus more, and just breathe, alone.

I guess in a way, I am slowly doing so.

William bought me a new cell phone, it's so fucking cute, I should have it this weekend when he comes in. I'll be switching providers as well. I'll be a Sprint carrier. I'll still have my other phone (which is beyond broken and junk) until April (stupid fucking Verizon), but I won't be using it, except to check messages and stuff.

I bought a new bookcase, it's black and sleek and it's cute.. it'll match our new bed that I'll be picking up in 2 weeks. I am getting excited. Ausgust is almost here and then it'll be official. We'll be living together. I like this.

I was holding on, waiting for a move to be made. That move never came. So, I did let go. I stepped back, gazed out into the sky and took a deep breath. In that moment, I realized, that you never did love me as much as you said you did. If you did, you'd have still captured the time that was left and proved to me that you wanted me, forever. Instead, you completely let me go and let me find out on my own that you never did care at all. That hurt. But, I suppose I needed it. I needed to know and accept it.

I'm happy now. I'm in love. I'm content. I'm optimistic. I'm eager and smitten.

On that note, we are currently trying to conceive. I learned how not to worry as much about myself as I should about us as a whole. He's teaching me patience and that it's ok to trust someone other than yourself. Along these realizations, we thought about our future, our forever, and decided to share it with a child. He's adorable when we talk about it. The look on his face while we're laying in bed, pillow talking. I love knowing I make him as happy as he makes me. That assures me that this is all 'right' and 'just'.

With that being said, I'm going back to my fun.

Later days.

Empty.

I sat there today, trying to choke back the tears, and for the most part, I did ok.
I was composed. I was stern with myself. I was capable of not looking you in the eye. I diverted my attention to the possibility that it will only be another few days. Until the moment I heard the familiar sound of diesel rounding the corner and the faint expelling of air from the brakes. I knew in that moment that it was just another goodbye. For each and every one of our hello's, there is another heart wrenching goodbye.

I somtimes sit here wondering if it's all worth it. The pain we put each other through at the end of each visit. The hugs, the coupling, the few kisses leading up to the final one. The walk.

The walk, the walk, the walk.

The moment where I sit there, in silence, yet screaming at the top of my lungs, inside. "Don't go. Don't leave me. Come back. I love you." All these things, echoing in my head, my heart heavy and my eyes burning.

There I sit. Just watching you walk away, stunned that either of us can do or endure such a thing. Wanting to run after you and kiss you again, for the last time. One more last kiss. One more touch of your hand to my face or back. One more glance. Just one more.

With my heart heavy and the tears still falling, I leave. Still feeling you next to me. Still tasting your lips on mine. Coming home and thinking I'd see your sneakers or your phone. Looking for your glasses or wallet on the dresser. The faint scent of your cologne catching my attention, and I collapse. Knowing that it's over, you're gone and my moments of happiness have ended until the next time.

I'm sullen and stupid, weak and wilted. I never knew love to be such an ailment, until I knew what it was like to not have you around at all times.

I never took love for granted, for I never truly knew what love was. I had visions of this grandeur emotion that was unrelenting and wondrous. You didn't have to work for it, it merely existed around you and everything fell into place. I was sadly mistaken.

Love is a trial, a tribulation. It's a disease, a demise, a regret and a miracle. It's beautiful in it's many forms, but it's definitely not something that works alone. It works WITH you. You need to cater to it and nurture it. You need to be open to it and take the good with the bad. Most of all, you need to appreciate it, because it's when you least expect it, yet need it the most, it's gone.

I am in love. I am alone. I am amazed. I am listless.

I don't know what I am, because I am many things.

Most of all, I AM loved in return. Even when I don't deserve it, even when I least want it. I am.

I miss you.

....!

i want to say that i'm ok..
i know thats what you want to hear..

but inside, i'm not ok..
i'm not holding myself together well..
i'm feeling scattered and torn..
i feel empty when you're gone..
i cry myself to sleep because i'm alone..

i dont know how to piece together the words..
the ones that i want you to hear, but am too scared to speak..
the thoughts that hinder me from feeling completely content..

i am my own worst enemy..
i'll be the death of me..

even when i feel like i'm your everything..
i feel like i'm your greatest mistake..

i want to feel your arms around me..
i want your lips on mine..

at the same time, i want to be alone..
because i don't want to drag you down to my level..

i don't know whether to love you.. or let you go..

one day.. it won't only be in pictures..

mhm

i don't know how to explain how i feel and i honestly do not know if i want to even be bothered by trying..
i have had a lot of junk on my mind as of late, such as, where i'm headed, if i'm happy, where i'll be in 10 years from now..
will i have children? will i be married? will i be stable and secure?

i don't know why i'm contemplating all these things..
i feel like i'm in some sort of outer body experience..
i am not the type of person who thinks of such things..

i'm failing myself by conforming to a shell of someone who actually might be content.

...

I'm not in a very good mood today.
I have a dr's appt manana and its driving me insane.

I don't want to continue feeling this torn up inside, either.
I've a lot coursing through me lately.
Too much.

I just want to curl up into a comatose state and dream of a life far better.

Party Up, Yo.

It turned out to be a pretty good event, minus the aggravation and massive bickering.
I couldnt have asked for better nieces and nephews. I just wish they ALL could have been there.
Unfortunately, life gets in the way more often than naught.

I also could not have been blessed with a better boyfriend.

And now, off to sleepy bye land.

Undeniable.

I sat here today, just watching and observing his interactions with my nieces and nephew.
Everytime, a smile would form on his lips, even when he would encounter one of their antics and even a tantrum.
Kiyah's terrible two outbursts, Alissa's screaming and cackling, Zachary's shy and meek nature.
Each moment, the same smile or look.
Having him stand behind me, watching Kiyah sleep and snore, made me feel eased in some weird way.
It warmed my heart and melted me, seeing him tickle their feet, find a sippy cup, even accept a snotty kiss g'bye.
The more the afternoon and day went on, one thing became more and more clear to me.
I can't wait to have one of his.

I'm in love, and for the first time in my life, I'm ok with this.
It feels wonderful.

Idle.

After last night and this morning, I feel unattractive and disgusting.
I know his intent wasn't to make me feel that way, but it's how I feel.

How else am I supposed to feel, knowing I can't get him 'off'?
Maybe I am ugly.

Blah.

-sigh-

Sometimes, I wake up crying.
It's not something I like.
It's not something I really speak of.
But then, my day is basically already planned out.

I know I'm going to be miserable.
I know I'm going to be on edge.
I know I'm going to be distant.

I hate these days.
I hate myself.