Fuck You..

and Your FUCKING Face..

SafetySuit - What If

I love you. /end

2am

s.m.o.t.h.e.r.e.d

Heh.

Love.Is.Deaf.Not.Blind

:

Yadda.

Hi. DOUCHEBAG. Hi.

I'm so ornary lately. I just want to punch someone in the nose and then twack them in the ballsac. Is that possible? Any volunteers? Hmph.

!@#!@#!@#

Burn that FUCKER down!

eh..

I have a cheek again!

|ugh|

I just love oral surgery. Really.

bleh

What a wonderful start to the New Year.  I have Jury Duty tomorrow & Wednesday.  Happy Happy, Joy Joy!

Fists of Fury.

They want to punch you in the cunt.

Because I've come to the conclusion that you have one.

A person that is such a pussy, as you are. They don't have junk, they have a cunt.

You're a cunt.

Your name burns my lips, like hatred, just with more passion.

Blah.

He did it again.

Sometimes, you just need a new outlet.

Being pissed off at the world, helps.

=]

HmmHahh.

It's been, what seems like, forever. Although, in reality, it may as well been.
Here it is, 2008. I've not posted in months, either because I'm far too busy, or because well, I've nothing really interesting to type about.

Both wrong.

I've just been out of words.

Maybe, in the next few weeks, they'll come to me. I hope.

I've never been so wordless before.

...

I'm in a bad frame of mind right now..
I'm sinking.

|bound|

Sometimes we are bound by those we long to forget, sometimes, we're bound by those we can't and choose not to.

|la la la|

I want to say that I believe in a future, one that's fufilling and wondrous, one that leaves us speechless and awestruck. I want to continually believe that we'll both be better than our parents were and make our family proud of who we once were, who we've become and our accomplishments along the path we chose to take that got us here/there.

I want people to look at us and smile, knowing that the love we share is a priceless one that will never cease to exist, no matter how many arguments or problems we face.

I look back to those moments when we first met and were working on an "us", before we even knew an us was in the making. The afternoons where people stopped and stared at us, and made comments in regard to our "hello's" that made us movie material. The long anticipated weekends that came and went too quickly, before we really knew where and what we were headed into.

After contemplating such things, I've come to realize, I've learned a lot.

I've learned that patience is a virtue that I don't have. I've learned that even though I don't have it, it does become an acquired trait, and you learn to accept it. Whether you choose to or not, you have no control over it, so you face it. I've learned that no matter how hard I fight for another minute, another kiss, another hug, the clock doesn't wait, and you learn to let go in the anticipation of "next time", and that it's ok, because you know there will be a "next time". I've also had to learn to let go of my past regrets and realized that not all people are created the same. So, I've come to enjoy the surprises of new and exciting things/feelings, without the constant struggle of distrust and doubt lingering overhead.

I always found myself wanting to be perfect. I wanted to be the one that was wanted indefinitely. I wanted to be skinny and beautiful. I wanted to be admired and remembered. I wanted it all. I thought I deserved it, especially for everything I endured to get me where I am today. After years of self depreciation, self doubt, hating oneself and destroying every last inch of a former wretch of a woman, I am finally content.

I know I'm deserving. I know I'm beautiful. I know I'm capable of accomplishing the goals I've set for myself, no matter how unattainable they seem right now. Most of all, I know I'm imperfect, I know I'll never be perfect and I'm more content in knowing that, than I've ever been in my life previously.

I'm unique. I'm blunt. I'm biased and boastful. I've an attitude that makes me hated by many and envied by most. I'm crass and sarcastic. I'm full of spite and adrenaline. I'm zany and off my rocker. I'm bitter and stand offish. I'm creative and adventurous. I'm so many things. I'm a myriad of definitions and words, but I'm nothing short of wonderful.

Some say it's an ego. Some say it's a front or a persona. Some even say it's a way of life. I say, it's me, in a nutshell, because there is nothing, nor no one, in this world, that can define me.

I don't need people flocking to me. I don't need approval or praise. I don't need petty friends or fake smiles. I especially do not need any sort of retribution for past trials and tribulations. I just need security, and I have that.

I have the knowledge and intelligence to carry me places. I have the personality to take me further than anticipated. I have the walk, the talk and the smile to get me the things I want. Call it egoism, call it pride or conceit. I don't care what you label it as. Just accept the fact, I have it.

I've learned that people come and go, they point fingers and they make excuses. They use and abuse the words they speak along the lines of friendship. They, are nothing short of, petty. Empty words and promises, fake smiles, fake comfort and fake friendship. It's all they know, because they can't accept who they are, so they climb the social ladder using nothing but the skills of others. They lack the true emotion and commitment it takes to be a real friend. After cutting the ties I've had with so many people like this, I've come to find I found inner peace and understanding. I didn't need them, they.. needed me. Sad, pitiful, pathetic, but true.

However..

Love. Love has taken me by the seat of my pants, held my hand and made me understand that I'm stable enough to take a seat and enjoy the ride of my life.

I'm ready.

|fuck you|

|fuck|
So, I'm mad. Not only mad, but frustrated and a little hurt. I know to some, it might be a minute issue, but in all seriousness, in my place and position, it's rather big.

I've wanted to do/see something badly for the last few weeks, and no one else in my immediate circle has the same likings as I. So, it was hard attempting to do such a thing when no one else is remotely interested in it. So, in all hopes of someone just giving in and appeasing me, I would drop hints, or speak up about it, and no, not just little subtle hints, more like, I want to DO this, hints. One would think that someone would just finally give in, or suck it up and be like: "Ok, fine, we'll go see/do it". But, no.

Apparently, my interests are of LITTLE interest to anyone else. That, or people just don't care the fuck enough about me and my wants to appease me enough to take it upon themselves and be all: "It's ok dear, how about we do 'this' or go see 'that'.". No. Instead, I'm just to assume it doesn't matter and move on from any of the things I want to do.

Now, normally, I am fucking use to this scenerio. I am the one to SUCK it up and forget about what it is I want, and just slink down into the backseat and do what the majority rule is. Or I appease someone else and their wishes without acknowledging my own. That's typical to me. I concede and smile, even if I'm upset on the inside.

As of right now, I'm down-right fucking seething, because it's ok for you all to do something with everyone else, but when it comes to me, it's whine, whine, bitch & moan. What makes it ok when it's with other people as opposed to with me? Why couldn't you take my feelings into consideration and make the move to ask me if I wanted to see/do the same? KNOWING all along it was something I wanted?

As of right now, I'm so fucking over it. I'm to the point where I feel like I stand nowhere next to you, but rather, beneath you. Thanks for making me feel like I'm of little interest or importance to you. You can chalk yourself up to the rest of them for now.

Blah.

It fits..

Well, it's here.. and it fits.. ;]

:|

bah! weight watchers here i come!