|pondering|

sometimes i sit here and wonder about the things you say to me..

you say you love me, yet you can never seem to show it, unless i make a comment.. then you go out of your way to appease me, to call more, to text more.. because i mentioned it, not because you realized you werent doing it..

you say you care and want us to be together, but yet, you can never find the words to make me believe thats its just not some ficticious dream..

i get so confused.. i know at times, i cant find the words to describe the love i have for you, but thats due to the fact that its not something i've ever felt before..

you're the first.. the first man i've ever fallen in love with, the first man who's ever completely captured me and my heart.. but you're also the first man who makes me feel as though i'm doing something horrifically wrong.. or that i'm just not worth the effort..

you said last night that you know you dont shower me with affection, why? are you ashamed of me? of us? would it make it less easy for you to manage every other relationship you have? worried that women will stop fawning over you? are you still keeping your options open? these are the things i am left to think about.. i'm left to ponder whether or not your heart is in this..

i feel like i'm on the outside looking in..