|love|

In less than 20 hours, I'll be flying.

I'm so excited, however, utterly nervous.

However, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.
Or two other people I'd rather be with.

I love you both.

[control]

there rarely comes a time when i seldom have words to describe how i'm feeling, however, today, yes today, is one of those days..

i woke up in a mood, and had to get ready to be at the doctors for 1130am, so really the whole DR thing already had me wrapped tight, pleh..
i hardly find my first day back to work being any better now that i had my innards poked and probed right before going in for 2pm, so yeah, good day? not so much.

i've also spent the last week crying myself to sleep every night, do i find this fun? no.
i don't know what is bothering me, i mean, i know what it is, but its not really pertinent, i dont think.. actually, it's not.. but my feeling of being so alone is an underlying factor and its making this whole thing so much harder..

i don't know what to say or do anymore, and when i do have words, they fall on deaf ears..

so whats the point? exactly, there isnt one.

|story|

the only thing i want, is you

and sometimes, i dont feel as though i have it..

"we're nothing but actors..

looking for the perfect partner,..

and a permanent role.."

[swish]

My day = weird.

I barely slept at all, then I spent the majority of it in bed, being girly.
Manicure, Pedicure, Eyebrows, so on and so forth.. you get the idea..

Steph texted about noon to tell me we were heading to dinner about 630.
So afterwards I laid around doing nothing, missing him horribly and just being solemn.
Lately, it seems like he's too busy for me, although, I'm sure it's just me.
I just have this thing lately that's eating at me and it's bleh.
It's like we've never the time for each other anymore, life is just happening around us.

Anyway, after my much anticipated shower, I decided to get dolled up and make myself feel less ick and sick like. So, I did my hair, got dressed, tossed on some minor make-up and viola, I was fuckable. ;] (just ask the Applebee's waiter)

After coming home, I felt ill all over again, my fever is back, my tummy hates me and I'm exhausted but cant seem to find it in me to actually sleep. So, I log online.

And BAM, he's there, he's always seemingly there when I feel at odds with myself, and he's always doing something to make me feel awkward.

And so, he sings to me:

"I wish someone would tell you

you're a star the way you are,

you know you're not fooling anyone.

No, you've got the eyes of an angel,

don't try to change,

yeah, everybody's got their scars.

(everybody's got their scars)

No matter what they tell you,

you're beautiful the way you are."

I know he loved me, but if that were really, honestly true back then, he'd not have walked away. Which, he did, and now, he suffers the loss. I just wish he wouldnt suffer in front of me, it makes it that much more difficult trying to remain collected.

I can't help that I'm happy now. I mean, I can. But, I am happy, and I'm hopelessly in love. I dislike knowing that my happiness causes someone else so much grief. However, I'm not going to give up my happiness for a life of misery without.

Some people need to learn to value what they have before so easily letting it go. Although, if you didn't let me go, I'd not be here, I'd not know what 'love' really is and/or capable of, so I should thank you. But, I know that would only send you over the edge. So, I'll remain here, as your sounding board, and as your one that got away. Because afterall, isnt that what you want? A reminder?

Take a good look, because that's all you're ever going to have, a memory.

|opening|

So, I've always preached about how I find it unfair in relationships that people always want to change the other half. Now, they knowingly get into said stated relationship under the impression that they can and will change their significant other. What bothers me is, isn't it for who they are, that you fell for them?

I mean, I can't see falling for some overbearing asshole based on the hope that I can tame them and change them into prince fucking charming. That's just nonsense. Yet, people somehow find it a challenge to turn a beast into a Bobby fucking Brady. I don't get it. Perhaps I'm not meant to, because I am 'me', and if you can't accept that, yes, with all my insecurities and flaws, then don't bother. I can work on things, and I am more than willing to work through them, but as the saying goes, you can't turn a whore into a housewife.. just as you can't turn a bitter, jaded and tainted woman into a trusting and open gifrlfriend, overnight.

What I have come to terms with, is that even though you fall for someone based on their character and personality, it sometimes backfires and gets you into situations that you never thought you'd come across. Such as, jealousy and envy. Especially due to social commentary that you run across on daily intervels. Maybe it's just me, but the past always comes into play, especially when you've run from it for so long. Tack on something thats completely new and now comes the fear, frustration and doubt. So, you need to work on things and I find that by removing myself from the situation makes it much more easier to accomplish. Even if other people disagree. If I don't see it, it can't bother me. Normally, yes, I'd question the validity of their word, but then you have to think, why would you be with someone you don't trust in the first place, right? Right.

So now you're just stuck. But, if I didn't want to be stuck, I wouldn't be here. His words wouldn't bother me, if I didn't want him in my life. These are just challenges and roadblocks that are becoming more and more apparent. I've to deal with them as they come. No one ever prepares for a relationship, there is no proper training and/or courses you can take, they just happen.

Being the social leper that I am, I find certain things odd or ill suiting. But, it doesnt mean I can't comprehend them or accept them. Also, never having to deal with letting someone inside or handing over my heart has made it far more easier over the past 28 years. New emotions are discovered every day. Even the unwanted ones, such as upset, pain, or anger. But, I don't close myself off to them, because they're there for a reason, and they provide a learning experience for me. One that I need to come to terms with.

For the first time in my life I'm just living, and though it may seem sheltered still, it's the most I've done in an awfully long time. You are the reason for it, you're the only reason I have. I'm thankful for you more and more every day, even when I'm aggravated or frustrated with you or myself, I don't question the fact that we belong together, not at all. I never believed in fate before, but something just tells me this is all happening for a reason. And the quizzical/analytical me wants to dig deeper and find an answer, but I know there isn't one. There's just us.

You preach one day at a time, yet one day feels like a week. A week, a year and so on. In a small amount of time, you know me better than anyone ever has. I could never be more thankful for your patience or your love.

I have my extremes and my moods, but I also have my moments, such as these, where I just know, everything will work out in the end. No matter what may come.

I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of losing YOUR love.
Everything else is just, frivilous.

|zZz|

sleep is about the only thing working to my advantage right now..
its the only thing i have to console me and assure me that everything is on hold for a while..

if i sleep, i can't ache or worry, i cant lose anything substantial..
i just wish i could, in fact, sleep.. and never again wake up..

i'd dream about us, forever.

[frozen]

i always feel like everything is my fault..
even when i'm legitimately mad about something..
i always just accept the blame and move forward..
it's easier then expressing myself..

but, i did get hurt by what you wrote..
and you can assure me that i read too much into it..
that's fine, but the fact is, what YOU wrote, bothered me..
why? because typically, friends don't call other friends 'lover'..
nor do they sometimes leave 'romantically-inclined' messages..

everyone knew she had a "crush" on you.. everyone.
everyone except, apparently you..
so, given that thought, if she had acted upon it.. or spoken up..
i'm convinced she'd be right where i am, right now..
and i'd have never been given the chance at all..
that and the fact that she's slightly unsettled by us..
i'm a woman, i know how we work, and i know why we do/say the things we do..
therefore, i'm not stupid.. and my mind isnt just "cohearsing" things out of thin air..
so on that note, i kind of felt as though, i'm a second runner up..
that feeling alone crushes everything inside of me..

you once told me that you sometimes feel the same way..
so, how is it wrong for me to feel jealous, and not you?
or to read into something or interpret it wrong..?

the last time i believed a friend was just a 'friend', my husband knocked her up..
she must of been one hell of a good friend..
so, yes.. i've my insecurities about certain things..

i'm not making excuses for my actions,..
but i do believe i am allowed to explain why i am a certain way, sometimes.

anyway, she's a friend, fine.. you can have your friends..

i am over it.. because i do trust you..
if i didnt trust you, i wouldnt love you..
i wouldnt have fallen in love with you..
and i wouldnt believe you when you tell me i'm overeacting..

i have issues, i know i do, i even warned you about them..
i tried bracing you with what you'd have to deal with..
i don't blame you for wanting to walk away or even contemplating it..
i'd want to walk out on me too.

i don't think you're like everyone else, contrary to what you're convincing yourself of..
i never insinuated you were, and i'd never try and compare you to any of the others..
none of them could ever capture my heart, or make me love them, or even cause half of these emotions..

i doubt you and i fear all of this because i've never had it before..
i never cared enough to be concerned with any other man, to cause these adverse reactions..

i don't know what to do or what to say anymore, because words just seem to get me into trouble..
i can't very well convey my innerworkings because they only seem to hurt you..

i never intended for my doubt or my jealousy to upset you..
i never wanted to allow myself to feel second best..
and i never wanted to lose something that could have been the best thing of my life..

all i wanted was someone to love me and assure me that it was in fact, true..

yet all i do is constantly feel like i'm failing..

..!

why is it everytime i need someone, there is no one there?
oh, thats right, because i push them all away..
that, or they really don't give a fuck anyway..
which sometimes, is easier believing.

i refuse to be sorry for how i feel..
perhaps, you seem to think there is no basis for those emotions/feelings..
but, they are, in fact, my emotions, and they're very real..
so, i'm not sorry for having them, i am however sorry, for expressing them..

i should just close myself off again, afterall, who cares, right?

everytime you walk away, it gets easier to do the next time..
before you know it, you just keep walking without ever turning back..

|rant|

My day has been, awkward (to say the least).

I started out ok, well sick, but emotionally ok. It took a few hours but I finally convinced myself I could take the day off, due to really not being able to talk and my fever still spiking. However, the hours that followed.. honestly dampered my mood severely. I ended up doing about 4 loads of laundry, which meant running up and down two flights of stairs (normally, I couldnt care less) however, when you're sick and running a 102.4º fever, it's not so marvelous.

During that time frame, I spent the afternoon online and on the phone, more or less they were the worst 6 hours of my life. I want them back. I thought being married was rough and emotionally draining. Try being emotionally trampeled and beaten down to the point where you feel utterly hopeless. Now, times that by 10. That was my afternoon. Every possible jab and kick he could pull, was. First it was the sappy, romantic banter. Then, the father-like caring and sincerity. Afterwards came the violent threats, the overbearing ways and the demanding opinions and conclusions he had drawn up on his own.

Twisted words and accusations, blame and doubt, apology after apology, only to be followed by another blind punch in the face. There is NO happy medium. There is NO chance of reconcilliation. There is nothing left, nothing. As much as it hurt to say g'bye to 17 years, it needed to be done. I can't go on fearing my life, or fearing the one person who vowed to take care of me and love me until his last gasping breath. The person who caused me to lose my child, the person who struck me down on numerous occasions to make himself feel revered and respected, the man who took the very part of me that I so long to recover. I won't subject myself to it all over again, just to maintain some sort of twisted friendship that he desires. I'm stronger now.

I feel elated a tad, knowing I could manage this, and cut the ties. I have some regrets, I have some remorse, but I also have zero tolerance for someone who is only after me because they need to have control. I'm not your fucking prize or trophy, and you should have thought long and hard about what you were losing and giving up before you decided to beat me down into nothing and destroy me completely. Your lies weren't half as bad as the fear you instilled in me, but they were enough to choke sense into me. I will never again stand for lies, dishonesty and abuse. Never.

Ugh. I'm still livid.

And then, again I get into a stupid tizzy over some words I interpret as more than.. well, friends. But, given the last conversation in regard to certain things, I honestly think I'm right this time. Maybe. Actually, it doesn't matter who is right, the fact is, it hurt me.

I'm over it. I'm used to it. The end.

I've had a long day, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm sick and now, I'm going to bed, alone.

|true|

just a friendly piece of advice:

you should start remembering what is is you say to her/them

so that way, you dont repeat yourself, to me

words DO lose value

contrary to what you believe

[changes]

i think i need to change..
actually, i know i need to make some changes..
it's just getting up the courage to make them and move forward..
fear is a horrid emotion that really likes to complicate things..
i'm done being complicated, atleast, with myself..

i still find it easier to remain a mystery to most..
and remain a closed book, because then no one can hurt me..
until i'm ready to honestly take that chance and allow myself to be vulnerable..
i'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it's who i am, and it's what has gotten me this far..

i am working on it though, i'm working through it..

i've help, i know now that i'm not alone, i've people to lean on..

one person in general who owns me completely.. and makes me undeniably happy.
another who is slowly becoming one of my best friends, that i adore.. and isnt afraid to stress my insecurities to me..
and someone who continues to back me, even when i want to kill them,..

<3
even though i'm dying, it's a good day.

[insomnia]

i hate not being able to talk to you.. in more ways than one..

its like, my day isnt complete without your voice, and if the day ends without it, all i do is feel empty..

not getting my typical before work call today, kind of sucked.. it made me sad.. and caught me off guard..

i cried so much today, being ill makes me emotional, and missing you makes it 20x's worse..

i wish i wasn't tainted or jaded, bitter or cynical.. i wish i could be there, or you, here..

anything to make the strain less noticeable.. less strenuous..

less distant.. due to this distance..


i love you so much, that all i do is push you away because i dont want to destroy you, the way i've done to myself..
you deserve the best of everything, not to settle for someone on some self-destructive path.. someone you need to constantly watch after, take care of and piece back together..

but, the thought of losing you, chokes everything inside of me and makes me lose my breath.. then i need to stop for a moment and regain my composure.. because ideally, the greater of two evils is not having you by my side for the rest of my life..

i can't accept that.. and i refuse to.. even if i have to face everything i fear.. and open myself up to the vulnerability of your love.. i will do so, to the best of my ability, which, up until now has been an atrocity but can only get better, i hope..

sometimes, it just hard to accept the things you say, even if they prove to be true up until that moment.. because i've never had someone love me the way that you do.. i've never had someone accept me and my flaws so graciously before.. and i realize now, that's because i've never had "you".

your patience is a virtue, and i'm thankful for it everyday, because i've no idea where we'd be right now without it.. especially with both our stubborn ways..

I love you, Jaxson..

8 days.

;[

i'm @ work, sick as fuck and wishing i could curl up under my cube and die..
the day has been excrutiatingly long, my fever keeps sparking and i feel like i'm being avoided..

i don't know why i feel so isolated lately, but i've this underlying feeling/fear that i'm causing someone to grow tired and sick of me..
and before any one of you decide to offer advice or opinions, maybe you should realize that it's a FEAR, not an assumption..

i can't help the way i feel, its digging at me and i dont know why.. if i did KNOW why, i'd make the change..
it's unfortunately, not that simple..

i spent an hour on the phone today with someone who claims they used to love me, yet, still cares about me horribly..
atleast enough to call and question me about my eating habits, my work, my health and current happenings..
the call, was ok, it made me feel good that someone was worried about my well-being and thought about me often enough to check in..
however, it sparked me to dig deep into my core and face some old feelings that i didnt want to face, especially the hatred and hurt, he caused..

i don't want to ever hurt again, or feel second best.. i don't want to feel like i'm competeing or failing..

lately, i feel like i am standing along side the spotlight, and not directly in it..
i dont think this should matter, but for some odd reason, it does.. it makes me feel like i'm slipping away..
and no one wants to catch me..

i'm a shadow.

...

sometimes, all a girl wants is a little effort..

or to atleast feel like she's the only one..

sometimes..

:(

[FuCk You|

i really thought i was excellent at holding things together, i always prided myself on being independent and strong enough to just mend myself when need be.. lately, not so much.. i'm failing miserably and needing people more and more and i dislike it greatly.

everything seems to be on this downward spiral and it's heading further and further down and constantly picking up speed.. i don't like it one bit.

my family seems to be growing increasingly more dysfunctional with each passing day, and then, the ones i think are a tad more sane, prove me wrong on a daily basis.. it's to the point where i feel like my dysfunction is far more beneficial in the aspect that i can honestly say i'm legally deemed to be this way.. and drugs make me happy, sometimes.. ok, i lied.. they make me lethargic and i've stopped taking them because i'd rather feel numb and morose, just to feel..

i've ditched just about everything/everyone i know, because i can't take the constant feeling of being a crutch for them.. i know my shoulders are broad, but for fucks sake, i'm not a miracle worker..

i can't even handle my own issues and problems, let alone save the world for everyone else.. however, this is not the case in their eyes, because i'm either the cause, or the savior of everything..

i'm falling apart again and i honestly can see it happening, yet, i make no attempt to change it because i fear change and sometimes being completely numb and apathetic, is better then feeling completely lost and unwanted..

i'm the epitome of lonilness and isolation.. tonight, all i see is empty..

i've become all of that which you made me, all of which is nothing.

[giving up]

this will be my third post in one day..
i know i blog a lot, but this is ridiculous..
my mood has changed drastically overnight..

i never thought the one person i didn't want to talk to..
would be the only person i had to talk to..
it's like he senses when everyone else turns their back..
i should be grateful, but i'm not, i'm angry he was the only one there..

and i never thought the one i loved, would make me cry..
i can't take silence, or the feeling of being shut out..

apparently you don't know me at all..
if you did, you'd have seen this is the time i need you most..
not your lack of communication or concern..
not your stubborn pride..
just, you.

i cant do this anymore..

[super]

i've been sitting here thinking
about the lot of everything to be said
yet i reach down and come up empty handed
i've never had such a problem finding the right words
but you seem to take them from me
you seem to take everything away
i've yet to figure out if that is good or bad or both

you have conquered me
as though i was some unchartered land
waiting to be discovered and claimed

again, words
only words
yet, none

i love you
for all that you are
all that you allow me to be
everything you say
all that i believe
for your strength
your stubborness
and everything that is yet to transpire
always

[wishful thinking]

i cant seem to find the words
the one's that i need to convey my every emotion
the few that seldom left me hanging
are now gone, and no where to be found

i dislike being here, alone
i feel like i'm choking
but that's only when i'm not sinking
i sink deeper every day
and every day i grow a little more scared

i've no words to describe it
no words left to take charge

in this moment i am empty
i cant even be comfortably numb
i'm just, nothing short of a void

fake smiles have become a profession

your words become hollow shells
that periodically hit me dead center
right between the eyes

i need something, someone, him, myself..
i reach out and no one reaches back..

death would be nice.