tryst

Screw Off.

i'm so sick of acting like i give a fuck...
i don't.

seriously.

|heh|

it becomes really apparent to me that you try too hard to get under my skin..
or get a reaction out of me..

for someone who claims to love me, i'd think you'd know better..

....

|typical AB converstion|

ordained Lex: i swear, i need aa personal assistant like whoa
IabeIized: a personal assistant?
IabeIized: like a sexretary?
ordained Lex: yes
ordained Lex: well sorta
ordained Lex: but they actually needa do STUFF
IabeIized: get a palm pilot, women are worthless
IabeIized: ;D
ordained Lex: thats why i want a personal assistant
ordained Lex: somneone to manage my bills and pay them, remember birthdays, do my laundry and cook bacon.
IabeIized: thats a wife, Alex.
IabeIized: not a personal assistant.
ordained Lex: thats ALL i want them for
IabeIized: lol
IabeIized: get a maid.
ordained Lex: very specifically
ordained Lex: i think itd be easier to get a wife
IabeIized: hahah
IabeIized: true
ordained Lex: yanno upon thinking about it a wife is a better option anyways
ordained Lex: shed shove me out of bed when i hit snooze on the alarm too many times like today
IabeIized: see!
ordained Lex: im seriously only a partially functioning adult....
IabeIized: no, you're just male.
IabeIized: with that comes the rules of the penis
IabeIized: work
IabeIized: sleep
IabeIized: shit
IabeIized: eat
IabeIized: repeat

|fuck your thoughts|

i've no words this time..

i need to make changes, a lot of them..

and if i say nothing, i can continue on, making those changes..

but, if i don't say anything, i'm still in the wrong..

i'm still doing something not right, still the one who can't say anything correctly..

i don't know what to do..

everyone offers advice, tells me to do what makes me happy..

my happiness laid in his hands.. because it was the love in my heart that made me happy..

then, he dropped it..

each accusation, each assumption, every finger pointed..

it cracked a little more each time..

i won't continue faking to smile..

and i won't continue lying about how happy i am..

i'm not happy anymore..

i'm broken and i feel misplaced..

you fail to see that each argument, each moment of silence..

it continually pushed me further into a corner..

i've been in this corner for quite some time now..

you asked how i managed to not push anyone else away..

no one else has emotionally drained me to utter exhaustion..

no one else manipulated every word i spoke..

no one else got inside my head and heart and suffocated both..

i guess i did have words.. afterall..

i just wish i knew how to get things back to good, i mean, they were good at one point in time, werent they?

|ventilation|

You know what pisses me off.. the fact that every time we fight, you make it conveniently my fault. It's either something I did, something I said, or a way I made YOU feel. Even when it's not intended that way, you don't bother to ask, you ASSUME and then turn it into yet another argument.

Then, when I try to smooth things over and move on from said-stated argument, I accept the blame (since YOU'RE putting it on me anyway), and you've the fucking audacity to call me a 'victim', or atleast playing the so-called part of one. AFTER you initially made me at fault for everything to begin with. How convenient, yet again.

Do you ever consider how I feel? EVER? Apparently, you do not. BECAUSE, if you did, you might see how I perceive things every once and again. You claim that you love me, IF you loved me, you'd not throw things that you know WILL hurt me, in my face, ALL the time. I guess playing the victim is something I do very well, since every time we bicker, you decide to make sure you call me one. All because for the sake of argument, I take full responsibility and that makes me some kind of fucking martyr, some sort of wanna-be victim.

Well, fuck you.

Oh and least not forget the whole: "You can have anyone you want, remember?" comments.

That's fucking right, I CAN have anyone I want. But again, the fact that I'm with you means NOTHING. You always love to remind me that my vanity is of course, in vain. It must bother you a lot, knowing that people want me, to have to throw it in my face at every given opportunity. A man would be proud that his woman is wanted and beautiful, admired even. He'd pride himself on the fact she is content in her own skin, to acknowledge it. But, no. Not you. I guess I should go back to being a victim and hide in a corner.

I'm so fucking sick of trying to convey things to you, and your hard-headed ways blocking it all. You want to be stubborn, so be it, but don't fucking play the pot and kettle game with me, because I know it all too well.

I sit here, 3k miles away, daily, nightly, wondering, waiting, crying, but it means nothing. None of it means anything at all, if you consistently can't fathom why. I digress, you DO know why, but you fail at realizing it.

I went through enough shit in my life, that I don't need this. I don't need to feel emotionally broken down. Which, by the way, you make me feel, almost at a constant rate.

It seems like you have this down to a science.

Jenna feels alone and distanced, so I'll use her words against her, then make her feel at fault, I'll blame her for my own inadequecies, make her feel even worse, and then call her a victim because she's accepting the blame I bestowed on her.

Maybe then, you can play the disappearing game again or shut me out, tell me to go fuck myself and argue with me for a few days, break me down some more, because you know I constantly give in..

I can't do this.. I am not strong enough to continually do this cat and mouse shit.

|3am|

its a bad idea to sleep after work..

then you're up all night, kind of..

i woke up at 3am and was like, wtf?

heh

i feel like shit.

i've so much on my mind,..

i've been thinking...

• odds are when you need someone the most, they won't be there
• no matter how in love you think you are, something/someone will come along and/or happen to make you question it
• boys tell the sweetest lies, friends tell the bitter truth
• you might not be able to pick your family, but you can kick their ass to the curb
• truth is: you're going to get hurt, heartbroken, used, abused, taken for granted, and of course, loved.. take it all as it comes, embrace it, then breathe deep and move the fuck on
• it's ok to feel worthless, because the day will come when you feel invincible
• people do come AND go, let them GO
• don't convince yourself you need someone, you don't need anyone but you
• if someone can't be there for you when you need them, then really, why did you need them to begin with?
• find yourself, before seeking another
• love IS a rarity, overrated, and a falacy, but it's also amazing and addictive
• when you're right, don't back down - when you're wrong, smile
• it's ok to be cranky, every day, even on holidays, and no, you don't need to provide someone with an explanation
• it's ok to cry, even if it's for no reason what-so-ever
• tell someone you miss them, even if they've only been gone a few moments, you honestly don't know when you'll see them again
• sometimes, words aren't enough

...

dr's..
fights..
arguments..
lonliness..

and nothing..
nothing short of feeling abandoned..

blah

|letdown|

3 days.. and not even a call..
a few sporadic texts yesterday..

its not that i dont sympathtize.. because i do..
but, i'm supposed to be your girlfriend..
the one you love, whom you claim to be your everything..

here it is, Valentine's Day.. and everyone else called, but you..

5 minutes, that was all i needed.. just 5 minutes..

you build me up, only to let me down..

|sonny|

thanks for the smile.

|fuck|

he's here, again..

i was invited to dinner manana night..

i have actually contemplated going..
but, anyone who is anyone knows the outcome already..

fight, silence, fighting, silence, he'll probably toss a backhand, and then we'll fight more..

then, he'll leave and i wont have to worry for another few months...


why do i bother? WHY does he bother?!!?
just fucking get on with your life and STOP worrying about me and coming back..

we ended it, a long LONG time ago..

i dont need this, not now..
not when i'm content-ish..

especially not this close to the anniversaries of everything traumatic..
you plan it all, i know you do..

|smart|

In the space between the lines there is you.
Living between the lines.

Line one - accept the rules of the world, or at least accept that there are rules
Line two - accept who you are, but more importantly who you are not
Line three - choose your music, your food, and your friends. Never choose who to love
Line four - accept the fact you may want to change your mind, or not
Line five - be happy with the ones that love you, and accept the fact that others may not
Line six - cherish your moments of satisfaction, they may be your best
Line seven - live your life only for yourself. Others have their own lives to live for
Line eight - surprise yourself with something new. A day with no surprises is a day you lost
Line nine - death will come. Accept it and just enjoy your time living
Line ten- make up your own space between the lines. It is all up to you

*i needed to post this..
it hit home.. and the picture is one of my wishlist items on DA.
<3

|jka|

i can't even begin to describe the love i have for him..
and knowing he loves me just as much, well, it's surreal, frightening, but nevertheless, wonderful..
i received his package this morning and spent all day anticipating opening it..

it was worth it, the wait that is..
but, i promised him i'd wait until he was awake to do so..

the card alone made my whole week..
everything else he packed inside was a bonus..
i cried for hours..

his scent is filtering throughout my whole room..
and it makes me miss laying in his arms even more than usual..
but, the fact that he knew what i wanted more than anything, melts me..
i want to curl up inside the box and just engulf myself in his lingering scent..

i remember sitting in the airport.. surrounded by it..
holding his shirt close to my face, so i didnt feel so alone..

i miss him, i miss his touch, his kisses, his.. just him.. his everything..

love isn't supposed to feel like this, is it? this powerful?
my heart could implode inside my chest..

i love him.. with everything that is me.

|manic|

im having episodes again
and no one understands..

i feel empty, i feel alone, and most of all, i feel completely unimportant..
its nothing anyone did, but more so the way i perceive things, things i feel..

i wish i could disappear.

|sigh|

i just don't understand at times..
i dont know how you can honestly tell me i'm the one..
and yet, still do things that make me feel like i'll never be good enough..

of course, i'm sure its me, it's always me..
but, i.. i just don't know anything anymore.

;I

true story, i'm sorry.

|speed|

sometimes i wonder why..
why i bother to continue feeling unimportant..

or why when i am told i am important..
i witness things that make you seem like such a liar..

i dont know what i'm doing..
or why things get to me so badly..

but maybe, this isnt the best thing..

maybe i'm just another mistake waiting to be made..

i'm so sick of feeling like i'm going nowhere..
going nowhere fast with you..
just more circles to be ran around..

|failure|

he apparently has no idea how much i adore him.nor can he fathom the depth of my love..this saddens me greatly, to the point of utter failure..

i don't feel like i should even bother moving forward..to do what? to keep failing both of us..because if i were doing it right, you would have no room for questioning it..
you're right, i have a million other men who want me..men who'd do ANYTHING for me and my heart..
but, i gave it to you, and you just keep giving it back..

i can't do this anymore, i can't keep hanging on to someone who is constantly letting me go..someone who doesn't see how i perceive them..someone who is always second guessing my emotions..

i have my doubts, but i never doubt your love.. i may have in jest, but never did i once not believe how much i meant to you..

apparently, i am to blame for just about everything..and i am another failure in your life..
i'm sorry for wasting your time.

|fuck you|

last time i checked..
you weren't latin, hispanic, spanish, or mexican..

so i don't understand where you get off telling me what "I" said..
especially when there are a million ways to say it or derivitives of the spanish language..

i'm tired of being made to feel like i'm being accused of something..

you apparently cant handle the fact that i'm yours..
because you're always making me feel like i'm wanting to "push" you away..

i "KNOW" when i'm pushing..

maybe i'll start..