|aye, aye|

i don't know how to explain anything, anymore..
so many things are happening in my life..
so many turns, trials, tribulations, emotions, events..

my head is spinning out of control..

i have to make a decision in regard to my future, my family, my employment, my health..
i need to understand why i do what i do to myself..
i want to understand why i think the way i do, or why i harm everything that is me..
i long to be a better person, and be comfortable in my own skin, but i can't..

i hate who i am, who i've become, what i do to myself..

and then, there comes one moment, one constant.. one thing that doesnt fail or falter..
i like it, a lot..

but, i don't know in which direction its taking me..

i don't know how to handle it, without running, or pushing, or pulling..
i don't know how to let it just exist, without hurting everything/everyone around me..

xanax is my friend.