|pain|

i was going to take some pictures today, but then decided against it.
i look like ass., and no one wants to see some tear-clad jerk, sprawled out in misery.

the weekend is slowly approaching and i'm anticipating some nice alone time with William.
i need this., a lot. i need to just curl up inside someone who cares and just be me.

i had that once, and i thought i'd have it again, i just didnt think it was going to be this long of a wait., nor did i think it was going to be with anyone else but him.

so, i took it upon myself to move forward and seek out the answers.
during that quest, i met someone wonderful and who breathes life into my core.
without judging, without assumptions, without accusations, without jealousy.
most of all, without restraint.

i kept telling him he couldnt come here, and we'd have to be patient..
even though it was nothing more than some much needed cuddling between friends..
some quiet time to reflect and search for ourselves, together..
but, it still didn't feel right, and i was still searching for answers to the situation of mixed emotion and distant pain.

well, i found said answers, after months of listening to my heart, i decided to listen to my head, instead..
and that led me here, to this precise moment in time, this emptiness that i now feel, because i cut a piece of me away.
i cut you away, from me..

this is the hardest thing i have done in an awfully long time, if not ranking up there with some of the hardest things of my whole life..

but, i couldnt keep lying to myself that we were happy, if we were, there wouldnt be times that you needed so much space, days would go by without contact..
there wouldn't be a need for me to seek attention elsewhere, because you were lax at giving it to me, when i needed it..

there would have never been any doubts or misconceptions as to where are priorities were..
but now i know, they never were with 'us'.. they were with everything revolving around 'us'.

i love you, i love you so much that i feel this is the only way to prove to you just how much i truly do love you.. by letting you go..
instead of holding on for months to come, only to be let down later, i chose to end it now..

it kills me inside, all of me, i bleed out daily, in mass quantities of agony..
but in the end, you'll think of me, take a deep breath in, and you'll smile..
because you loved me, as much as i loved you..
and you'll remember that love, and those touches.. and remember me, always.

i love you.