|and again we struggle on|

I don't understand why I find the need to analyze myself.
I should be content with who I am and who I am becoming.
My lack of self esteem is ground breaking, so bad, that it's causing me to second guess my importance in someone's life.
It's also allowing other people to influence how I feel about myself and the odds of survival in my current relationship.

Scenerio:
I met a friend of the Bf's this weekend. Actually, I met several. One in particular, stood out. Mainly due to the fact that, I realized shortly afterwards, she was one of the women he had a "thing" for, at one point in time. Now, normally, this would not bother me in the least. I'd be, ok, so be it, and move on. Not so much. I spent an entire day sizing myself up to her, as though I didn't hate myself enough, I decided to pin point all her qualities and compare them to my own. Disecting the differences and making myself feel less of a person, because well, that's just who I am sometimes. She's prettier, she's skinnier, she's funnier, she's more in tune with him as a person, he knows her well, she knows him inside and out, he looks at her differently than he looks at other people, blah blah fucking blah. My mind was, to say the least, chaotic. But, I made it through. Even if I was miserable and my allergies dampered my mindset and mood, I pulled through like a fucking trooper.

I didn't think it would ever be this hard to honestly be secure in who I am. I never thought I'd come to that point in this relationship that I'd question my self worth or value. What they say is true, you are your own worst enemy and critic. I'm still uneasy and unnerved by this. I should just breathe and let it pass, but for some strange reason, it still lingers.

Is it because I value what we have so much that I fear losing it? Or is it because I know eventually, I'm still going to find it in me to try and push him away? I have no bloody idea anymore. I love him enough to want to protect him from MY self destruction. I know he's a big boy and can make his own decisions, but really, he has no idea what he's up against.

I'm the furthest thing from perfection and the closest thing to the greatest mistake.