;[

i'm @ work, sick as fuck and wishing i could curl up under my cube and die..
the day has been excrutiatingly long, my fever keeps sparking and i feel like i'm being avoided..

i don't know why i feel so isolated lately, but i've this underlying feeling/fear that i'm causing someone to grow tired and sick of me..
and before any one of you decide to offer advice or opinions, maybe you should realize that it's a FEAR, not an assumption..

i can't help the way i feel, its digging at me and i dont know why.. if i did KNOW why, i'd make the change..
it's unfortunately, not that simple..

i spent an hour on the phone today with someone who claims they used to love me, yet, still cares about me horribly..
atleast enough to call and question me about my eating habits, my work, my health and current happenings..
the call, was ok, it made me feel good that someone was worried about my well-being and thought about me often enough to check in..
however, it sparked me to dig deep into my core and face some old feelings that i didnt want to face, especially the hatred and hurt, he caused..

i don't want to ever hurt again, or feel second best.. i don't want to feel like i'm competeing or failing..

lately, i feel like i am standing along side the spotlight, and not directly in it..
i dont think this should matter, but for some odd reason, it does.. it makes me feel like i'm slipping away..
and no one wants to catch me..

i'm a shadow.