[insomnia]

i hate not being able to talk to you.. in more ways than one..

its like, my day isnt complete without your voice, and if the day ends without it, all i do is feel empty..

not getting my typical before work call today, kind of sucked.. it made me sad.. and caught me off guard..

i cried so much today, being ill makes me emotional, and missing you makes it 20x's worse..

i wish i wasn't tainted or jaded, bitter or cynical.. i wish i could be there, or you, here..

anything to make the strain less noticeable.. less strenuous..

less distant.. due to this distance..


i love you so much, that all i do is push you away because i dont want to destroy you, the way i've done to myself..
you deserve the best of everything, not to settle for someone on some self-destructive path.. someone you need to constantly watch after, take care of and piece back together..

but, the thought of losing you, chokes everything inside of me and makes me lose my breath.. then i need to stop for a moment and regain my composure.. because ideally, the greater of two evils is not having you by my side for the rest of my life..

i can't accept that.. and i refuse to.. even if i have to face everything i fear.. and open myself up to the vulnerability of your love.. i will do so, to the best of my ability, which, up until now has been an atrocity but can only get better, i hope..

sometimes, it just hard to accept the things you say, even if they prove to be true up until that moment.. because i've never had someone love me the way that you do.. i've never had someone accept me and my flaws so graciously before.. and i realize now, that's because i've never had "you".

your patience is a virtue, and i'm thankful for it everyday, because i've no idea where we'd be right now without it.. especially with both our stubborn ways..

I love you, Jaxson..

8 days.