[frozen]

i always feel like everything is my fault..
even when i'm legitimately mad about something..
i always just accept the blame and move forward..
it's easier then expressing myself..

but, i did get hurt by what you wrote..
and you can assure me that i read too much into it..
that's fine, but the fact is, what YOU wrote, bothered me..
why? because typically, friends don't call other friends 'lover'..
nor do they sometimes leave 'romantically-inclined' messages..

everyone knew she had a "crush" on you.. everyone.
everyone except, apparently you..
so, given that thought, if she had acted upon it.. or spoken up..
i'm convinced she'd be right where i am, right now..
and i'd have never been given the chance at all..
that and the fact that she's slightly unsettled by us..
i'm a woman, i know how we work, and i know why we do/say the things we do..
therefore, i'm not stupid.. and my mind isnt just "cohearsing" things out of thin air..
so on that note, i kind of felt as though, i'm a second runner up..
that feeling alone crushes everything inside of me..

you once told me that you sometimes feel the same way..
so, how is it wrong for me to feel jealous, and not you?
or to read into something or interpret it wrong..?

the last time i believed a friend was just a 'friend', my husband knocked her up..
she must of been one hell of a good friend..
so, yes.. i've my insecurities about certain things..

i'm not making excuses for my actions,..
but i do believe i am allowed to explain why i am a certain way, sometimes.

anyway, she's a friend, fine.. you can have your friends..

i am over it.. because i do trust you..
if i didnt trust you, i wouldnt love you..
i wouldnt have fallen in love with you..
and i wouldnt believe you when you tell me i'm overeacting..

i have issues, i know i do, i even warned you about them..
i tried bracing you with what you'd have to deal with..
i don't blame you for wanting to walk away or even contemplating it..
i'd want to walk out on me too.

i don't think you're like everyone else, contrary to what you're convincing yourself of..
i never insinuated you were, and i'd never try and compare you to any of the others..
none of them could ever capture my heart, or make me love them, or even cause half of these emotions..

i doubt you and i fear all of this because i've never had it before..
i never cared enough to be concerned with any other man, to cause these adverse reactions..

i don't know what to do or what to say anymore, because words just seem to get me into trouble..
i can't very well convey my innerworkings because they only seem to hurt you..

i never intended for my doubt or my jealousy to upset you..
i never wanted to allow myself to feel second best..
and i never wanted to lose something that could have been the best thing of my life..

all i wanted was someone to love me and assure me that it was in fact, true..

yet all i do is constantly feel like i'm failing..