|opening|

So, I've always preached about how I find it unfair in relationships that people always want to change the other half. Now, they knowingly get into said stated relationship under the impression that they can and will change their significant other. What bothers me is, isn't it for who they are, that you fell for them?

I mean, I can't see falling for some overbearing asshole based on the hope that I can tame them and change them into prince fucking charming. That's just nonsense. Yet, people somehow find it a challenge to turn a beast into a Bobby fucking Brady. I don't get it. Perhaps I'm not meant to, because I am 'me', and if you can't accept that, yes, with all my insecurities and flaws, then don't bother. I can work on things, and I am more than willing to work through them, but as the saying goes, you can't turn a whore into a housewife.. just as you can't turn a bitter, jaded and tainted woman into a trusting and open gifrlfriend, overnight.

What I have come to terms with, is that even though you fall for someone based on their character and personality, it sometimes backfires and gets you into situations that you never thought you'd come across. Such as, jealousy and envy. Especially due to social commentary that you run across on daily intervels. Maybe it's just me, but the past always comes into play, especially when you've run from it for so long. Tack on something thats completely new and now comes the fear, frustration and doubt. So, you need to work on things and I find that by removing myself from the situation makes it much more easier to accomplish. Even if other people disagree. If I don't see it, it can't bother me. Normally, yes, I'd question the validity of their word, but then you have to think, why would you be with someone you don't trust in the first place, right? Right.

So now you're just stuck. But, if I didn't want to be stuck, I wouldn't be here. His words wouldn't bother me, if I didn't want him in my life. These are just challenges and roadblocks that are becoming more and more apparent. I've to deal with them as they come. No one ever prepares for a relationship, there is no proper training and/or courses you can take, they just happen.

Being the social leper that I am, I find certain things odd or ill suiting. But, it doesnt mean I can't comprehend them or accept them. Also, never having to deal with letting someone inside or handing over my heart has made it far more easier over the past 28 years. New emotions are discovered every day. Even the unwanted ones, such as upset, pain, or anger. But, I don't close myself off to them, because they're there for a reason, and they provide a learning experience for me. One that I need to come to terms with.

For the first time in my life I'm just living, and though it may seem sheltered still, it's the most I've done in an awfully long time. You are the reason for it, you're the only reason I have. I'm thankful for you more and more every day, even when I'm aggravated or frustrated with you or myself, I don't question the fact that we belong together, not at all. I never believed in fate before, but something just tells me this is all happening for a reason. And the quizzical/analytical me wants to dig deeper and find an answer, but I know there isn't one. There's just us.

You preach one day at a time, yet one day feels like a week. A week, a year and so on. In a small amount of time, you know me better than anyone ever has. I could never be more thankful for your patience or your love.

I have my extremes and my moods, but I also have my moments, such as these, where I just know, everything will work out in the end. No matter what may come.

I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of losing YOUR love.
Everything else is just, frivilous.