|rant|

My day has been, awkward (to say the least).

I started out ok, well sick, but emotionally ok. It took a few hours but I finally convinced myself I could take the day off, due to really not being able to talk and my fever still spiking. However, the hours that followed.. honestly dampered my mood severely. I ended up doing about 4 loads of laundry, which meant running up and down two flights of stairs (normally, I couldnt care less) however, when you're sick and running a 102.4º fever, it's not so marvelous.

During that time frame, I spent the afternoon online and on the phone, more or less they were the worst 6 hours of my life. I want them back. I thought being married was rough and emotionally draining. Try being emotionally trampeled and beaten down to the point where you feel utterly hopeless. Now, times that by 10. That was my afternoon. Every possible jab and kick he could pull, was. First it was the sappy, romantic banter. Then, the father-like caring and sincerity. Afterwards came the violent threats, the overbearing ways and the demanding opinions and conclusions he had drawn up on his own.

Twisted words and accusations, blame and doubt, apology after apology, only to be followed by another blind punch in the face. There is NO happy medium. There is NO chance of reconcilliation. There is nothing left, nothing. As much as it hurt to say g'bye to 17 years, it needed to be done. I can't go on fearing my life, or fearing the one person who vowed to take care of me and love me until his last gasping breath. The person who caused me to lose my child, the person who struck me down on numerous occasions to make himself feel revered and respected, the man who took the very part of me that I so long to recover. I won't subject myself to it all over again, just to maintain some sort of twisted friendship that he desires. I'm stronger now.

I feel elated a tad, knowing I could manage this, and cut the ties. I have some regrets, I have some remorse, but I also have zero tolerance for someone who is only after me because they need to have control. I'm not your fucking prize or trophy, and you should have thought long and hard about what you were losing and giving up before you decided to beat me down into nothing and destroy me completely. Your lies weren't half as bad as the fear you instilled in me, but they were enough to choke sense into me. I will never again stand for lies, dishonesty and abuse. Never.

Ugh. I'm still livid.

And then, again I get into a stupid tizzy over some words I interpret as more than.. well, friends. But, given the last conversation in regard to certain things, I honestly think I'm right this time. Maybe. Actually, it doesn't matter who is right, the fact is, it hurt me.

I'm over it. I'm used to it. The end.

I've had a long day, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm sick and now, I'm going to bed, alone.