|bd|

the inevitable day is here.. offically.. blah

i'm old and i hate it, i hate thinking that in one year from today, i'll be 30..

and i'm still as fucked up, confused, shattered and tainted as i ever was..

i have promised myself that i'd be working on things, so i can move forward in my life..

i just wish i knew where to start..

i wish life came with an instruction manual and a diagram of everything.. it would make it all so much easier, especially for me, since i'm all about the technicalities..

nothing seems to ever want to work to my advantage and when it does, it usually backfires eventually, because no one really wants to deal with me.. i don't blame them, i dont even want to deal with myself half the time.. and no one is going to be willing to wait around for me to improve myself.. its going to take a few years, it's not like i can be perfect overnight..

i'm a mess and this day makes it worse..

i wish my lonliness and negativity would just consume me completely already and i could just finally end it all with one lovely comatose slumber..