[dead bird day]

Holidays suck.

Especially when you miss people who cannot be with you for them.

I miss waking up to my gramma's hustle and bustle in the kitchen, swearing at the stove and the fact that nothing is going quite "right".. I miss being able to walk down the steps to the coffee that is constantly brewing fresh and her kiss on my forehead, assuring me that everything is fine.. But, most of all, I miss her hugs and her smile, and I miss the feeling that no matter what happend, I still had her.

When I was little, I was convinced she would live forever, I was even sure she'd outlive me. I miss those days of innocence, before knowing what trials and tribulations life could bring your way. Before having to live through taking care of her, just as she did, for me. Cancer hospitals, Chemo, Hospice, Surgeries, more Chemo. I'd endure it all over again just to hold her hand and kiss her cheek one more time. Just so she could smile, knowing I loved her as unconditionally as she loved me. How many nights I wanted to take her place. How I wished it could have been me, for someone as saintly and giving as she, should not have to endure such a horrid, drawn out death.

I also have come to realize that being away from someone is hard enough, but holidays make it worse. I love you, Jaxson. And I miss you horribly.