[pitiful]

i cant sleep.. i spent the majority of the night racking my brain and looking for answers..

everytime i attempted to doze off, i'd get about 15-20 minutes of shat sleep and pull one of those jump manuevers like i was falling off a cliff.. it wasnt fun and it happend about 7 times throughout the night..

so i decided at about 7am to get up, start laundry and clean.. after avoiding his text and phonecall, i proceeded downstairs to do the dishes, clean the kitchen and start roasting a turkey..

why, you ask? because all i can do to stop thinking about this fucking mess and him is to keep busy.. so why not have a pre-thanksgiving dinner? heh

i'm still mad, i'm still fucking hurt and upset.. i dont know what to say, what to do, what to think..
i dont want to hear his voice or his explanation, i just want to be mad for a while..

my heart is pounding and i feel like i cant breathe, i doubled my heart meds today and had to take some fucking xanax for the first time in about 5 months.. stress is a bitch..

i just never saw this coming.. i now know the true meaning of being blindsided..

and i'm still bothered that all this came from some sort of chain 'net fucking reaction from people i dont even fucking talk to, let alone KNOW..

tricia, melissa, kel.. thanks for everything.. honestly.. i never knew ya'll cared SO much.. heh

/end rant.