|self-depreciation|

i'm so fucking heartbroken that there are no words.. literally, none..
i always have words, always.. especially to depict how hurt i am..

i woke up today, empty.. lonely and just cold inside..
even meeting up with friends didnt seem to put me in a good mood..

i couldnt eat my meal, i couldnt talk much without wanting to break into tears, i couldnt hold a conversation about their happiness, because i'm not happy, however i could smile for their good news, but it was fake and distant, nothing seemed right..

i hate not feeling like myself, and i hate knowing that for this to end, i need to overcome a lot..

i know i said previously that i wasnt sure if i were strong enough, and i thought for once, i was..
i spent the last week faking through every conversation, smiling, laughing..
figuring that i could make myself believe it was all ok and i could forget it..

you made me hurt and cry, you made me doubt myself and feel betrayed, you made me compare you to everyone else that has come and gone, YOU.. all you..

all you can say is youre sorry, but your apology doesnt mean shit to me, because you still allowed it to happen.. you still hurt me.. and now, now i need to rebuild everything from scratch..

tell me, is it worth it? is it worth putting my heart back into the line of fire, for you to possibly stab it a few more times?

maybe you want me to walk away, maybe it would be more beneficial to you, because i thought when you loved someone you did everything imaginable to keep them, to make them happy and to love them.. not let them down and break them apart.. or maybe, just maybe, i was right.. i deserve it.. all of it..

i lied to myself and to everyone else.. because i'm not ok..

i'm not FUCKING alright..