|crass|

I'm having an utterly bad day, to say the least. I'm in a lot of pain today. I'm still recooping, and I'm feeling overly anxious, sore and just exhausted. I haven't really slept in the past 3 days. All thanks to this marvelous surgery that I had and the stress from thinking about it, worrying, and now anticipating the results. As if this wasnt enough to weigh me down, I get a call from my DR today, telling me that I need to cease all alcohol consumption, reevaluate my prescriptions and have reoccuring bloodwork for the next year, all due to my liver enzymes being fucked up and my bloodwork being less than desirable. So now, more to worry about.

Then, I spend my day feeling ignored, but hey, nothing to worry about, I'm sure it's just me. So I set out to try and function normally. I thought by going out for lunch and shopping a little, I'd be less privvy to worry about everything, not so much. I still worried and I in turn, wore myself completely out and created more pain then necessary. Yay me.

Then, I come home to wrap some of the Xmas gifts I purchased and relax, only to find out that we're having company over and family time, (note my enthusiasm). So, I cease all holiday activities and spend my night playing cards, cuddling my niece (the highlight), and playing mediator for my father and brother-in-law. During which time, I picked Kiyah up and felt something pop in my abdomen, so now, I'm suffering a tad bit more. Then I recall the whole "no lifting anything over 10lbs for the next week". Lovely. Since she's a chunky butt little monster, and really, no one can resist cuddling her and just eating her up.

After everything is said and done, I now have to put up with the attitude from the "so-called", hell, I dont know what to call him, because we have no titles or labels, but anyway, yes, him. Because apparently, I'm a pessimistic girl, and I bring him 'down'. I'm so fucking sorry I'm not some big fucking ray of sunshine all the fucking time. I just had surgery, I can barely fucking walk, and I'm miserable. Shoot me.

I'm tired of feeling less than adequate, not quite good enough and the reason for all his moods. I'm not going to feel bad for his snide little remarks that he likes to slide in either. Yes, there are a million other people who fucking care about me, and a few men who would love nothing more than to be the main man in my life, but apparently, the fact that I chose YOU, means nothing. So you can just continue to throw that in, in attempt to make me feel guilty. But, I don't.

I'm not going to continue to sit by and fail you, either. Afterall, that is what you insinuate when you constantly attack my doubt and negativity. But, you forget, I'VE done nothing wrong. I NEVER have given you reason to distrust me or to doubt me. NEVER. I might have made the mistake of not telling you how I've felt once or twice, and I might have walked away from you when I should have spoken my mind, but my emotions are chaotic and sometimes lack the sense of coming together when needed. But, I'd never do anything to make you doubt how it is I feel.

I'm torn right now. And now, yes now, I need time. Because I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punished for the actions of others. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the cause.

I didnt need this, not now.