|deluded|

Well, here I sit, cigarette in hand, still thinking, still stirring, still at odds as to what to do, which direction to go in and what decision to make. I'm sloth like, thanks to the handful of xanax I ingested and the few shots of vodka to chase them down. I woke up, phone in hand and yet, still in some weird comatose haze. I want to believe that this never happend. That my life, is still normal, atleast to what my idea of normal is. I can't seem to function anymore. No matter what I try to do, I end up sulking back into bed and just fighting to breathe and hold back the tears. I honestly thought I reached the point last night, that I just couldnt cry anymore, I was wrong, so wrong.

I think what bothers me the most is that, all these years I've been so cynical of the word "love". It's so overused and tossed around that it lost all meaning and value. Now, yes, I do love a select few of my friends, and even one or two of the exes, but of those exes, they were friends far before anything ever remotely evolved. So my friendship always outweighed the falling out we may have had and is still valued. Truth be told, I never completely ever lost myself in someone before, and I never 'fell' IN love with them, to the point where the whole phrase meant as much as it has lately to me. I've racked my brain over and over again, comparing the scenerios and the feelings. I've disected and rationalized every ounce of emotion that has coursed through me within the past few years. Nothing, nothing has come close to how I felt with him. None of the "I love you's" from before, ever amounted to those which I expressed to him.

So here is where the problem lies:

If I ever wrestled with any thought or contemplation of feelings for anyone else, I would HAVE NEVER told you I loved you. I would not have done that to you. This is why its so hard for me to come to terms with all of this. You tell me you came to realize that your feelings for me were stronger than those you had for her, but all along, you were still holding on to what exactly it was that you were feeling for her to begin with. What if you came to see that she is what you wanted? Where would that have left me? Point in case.

I'm heartbroken either way. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with her. The fact is, you have one. And at one point in time, it was far more personal and in depth then it is now and it COULD happen again. If she was any type of friend, she'd have been happy for you, happy for us. Not expressing how jealous she was, or how she felt. But, then again, she wasnt the only one with those mixed emotions. I can't accept this. I can't grasp onto the concept of being with you and still knowing you love her. I feel betrayed. I feel unwanted. And most of all, I feel unloved.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't fucking eat, I can't nearly breathe. The only way I can sleep is when I drug myself beyond belief and pass out. The sad thing is, I wish with every swallow that it'll be the last time I open my eyes.