|answers|

I've been racking my brain for words that could make this all easier for you.
I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why it played out as it had.
I've done everything in my power to try and understand the intricacies of it all.

To you, this was spur of the moment. One minute we were a "we" and the next, I was loving someone else. But, it hadn't happend like that. I've spent the last few months trying to convey to you that I was feeling second best. I was feeling like you were slipping away from me. You were making me feel like I wasn't a priority in your life. You were there, 3k miles away, while I was here, hanging on. You would go days when you needed space, and I'd wait for a phonecall, hoping you were ok. I would write how I felt and allow you to read it, in that moment, you'd reassure me that I was wrong and I shouldn't feel that way, but I DID feel that way and you weren't doing anything to fix it.

After I returned home from spending a week with you, I felt lost and I felt alone. I didn't know which end was up, because I needed to disect my life and start working on my goals and where I was headed. In that moment, I hurt you. I walked away without saying everything that was needed to be said, and in turn, we both lost that battle.

When I finally decided I wanted to spend my life with you, I expected you to reciprocate said feelings. I wanted you to prove to me that that's what you wanted as well. But, you didn't. I just kept finding out more things that hurt me. The secret MySpace acct, the letters to Nicole, you hiding your emotions from me. It all played a part in why I ended up feeling like I did. Why I felt second best and never quite good enough. Even though you attempted to reassure me, I needed more. I needed more than a few words or an email. I needed you. I needed you here. I needed proof that we were a good idea. But, all along, you just kept keeping me at arms length. You'd give an inch, but then take 5 back.

You said you did things for me, such as stop talking to certain people, spending less time online. YOU didn't do that for me, you did it for you. I never asked anything of you, just honesty. I didn't want you taking time off from your friends or from people online. I wanted you to put me first, I wanted to be the one in your life, the CONSTANT. I apparently failed.

I fought to hold on. I fought to love you and hope that that love was enough to endure all of this. But again, I failed. I allowed someone in, I allowed someone in that was willing to love me. That was willing to listen to me. That was willing to come here and hold me, when everything was falling apart. Someone that was willing to give me HIS all, his everything, without fear or restriction. Without reason to doubt. I fell victim to his heart and his love, and in turn, gave him mine.

I need a break..

break over/6:50pm*

I'm sure while reading this, you're going to insinuate or think that I find him to be a better man. Well, that's not true. Neither of you are better than the other. In my eyes, you're both male, completely different males, but never the less, not one of you is better than the other. You both have significant qualities. You both deserve happiness. I'm still not sure if I were ever worthy of your love and I'm nearly 100% positive that he desrves better than me as well.

You asked me if I was IN love with him, and at first, I couldn't answer you, because I didn't know what was becoming of it or occuring. But, I do love him and I am IN love with him. He's become someone I can see a future with. The "F" word that I've hated and avoided for an awfully long time is now something I think of.

I never was out to hurt you, it was not a goal of mine. I take full responsibility for hurting you. But, I don't take full responsibility for the way things occurred or happend. Realtionships are two way streets, a 50/50 deal. I just couldn't do it on my own anymore.

I fought to keep Will at arms length, like you did to me for so long. I didn't think he deserved to be let into my world or would be able to handle it. I didn't want to let him in and get close to someone. I felt like I was cheating on you, by befriending another man. He made me see that I deserved to have someone around that cared. Someone that was willing to support me. Someone, just someone to be here.

Even after I told you how I felt and what I wanted, I still fought him off. But, it was apparent, I needed him. There was something there that couldnt be ignored. And now, there's love there. A love that I cherish. But it doesn't mean that I stop loving and caring for you. You were and ARE a big part of my life. So you can hate me all you want, but in the end, I'll still be here.

I just wish I knew where "here" was.