|randomness|

i'm having a so/so day today, but whenever i get tattooed, i zone and just relax..
i like when i have days like this, it seems like nothing can get to me or bring me down..
even if i have chaotic thoughts, they stay at bay and give me some quality happy time..

i still hate loving him, only because his love consumes me, no matter what state or frame of mind i'm in..
but, the thoughts still linger of how he hurt me, and i dont want to be constantly reminded of it..

i know he's sorry and i accept that, it's the "trying not to think of it" that still gets to me..
and the "i hope" we get back to normal and can make it through all this, that burdens me..

i think we can.. actually, i'm pretty fucking sure we can, but it still remains "if i want to"..

i constantly contemplate the scenerio as a whole and wonder if it will ever happen again? i mean, i know we're human and we all make mistakes and at times, we hurt those we love, even if we don't mean too.. but, this.. this stung right where it kills.. and although i know it was unintentional, (atleast i'm hoping and believing it was).. it still occurred and it still bothers me..

he preaches one day at a time, and so, i move forward each day.. because he is worth it, i think WE'RE worth it, as long as he continues to prove himself to me.. and make me believe that we are worth it in his eyes..

whew! so many thoughts to ponder..

oh and i feel old.