|swallow it down|

i dont know how to even begin to explain how i am these days.. it's rather hard to face up to emotions that are so new and different that you don't even want to think about them let alone have to describe them to someone..

i've become this jealous woman, this constantly thinking, constantly wondering, analytical woman..

i've NEVER been jealous in my life, never.. i havent envied anyone or what they've had, i've never wanted what someone else had, i've never been jealous of any other woman that had come into a significant other's life in previous relationships, nothing.. this is all new to me, all of it..

i don't quite know when it happend.. perhaps after numerous failed relationships and one devastating and destructive marriage/divorce, being used and abused, cheated on twice, and drained of all self worth.. something inside of me snapped.. something made me this way.. it took all of my pride, vanity and independence and turned it into doubt, distrust and insecurity..

i went from KNOWING i had someone and priding myself on that fact, to being in a constant state of fear of losing someone.. it's rather insane..

i cant just come to you with this because i'm ashamed of how i am.. how i feel.. and how i behave and act when i get like this.. and then you seem to just get more angry and that in turn makes me turn away even more..

i cant help being hurt and being angry, and i cannot help how my mind goes into hyperdrive with thoughts of your past, present and what could happen in the future.. all i can do is WORK on it and try to repair the damage that has occured from every other man that has tainted, jaded, destroyed, lied and broken me down..

this is not an easy task..

i havent lied to you, i do want to progress, but i want to know you want it too, i want to know i'm the only one that see's certain sides of you, that gets treated a certain way, and that holds your heart.. i want to trust in the fact that you're not talking to other people the way you talk to me.. i want to believe everything you say to me without ever needing to question one word..

maybe there is no hope, maybe i'm so self-destructive that i cant fix whats been done..

maybe i'll continue to push until you're completely gone and i'm falling over the edge..

i feel so empty right now..