Empty.

I sat there today, trying to choke back the tears, and for the most part, I did ok.
I was composed. I was stern with myself. I was capable of not looking you in the eye. I diverted my attention to the possibility that it will only be another few days. Until the moment I heard the familiar sound of diesel rounding the corner and the faint expelling of air from the brakes. I knew in that moment that it was just another goodbye. For each and every one of our hello's, there is another heart wrenching goodbye.

I somtimes sit here wondering if it's all worth it. The pain we put each other through at the end of each visit. The hugs, the coupling, the few kisses leading up to the final one. The walk.

The walk, the walk, the walk.

The moment where I sit there, in silence, yet screaming at the top of my lungs, inside. "Don't go. Don't leave me. Come back. I love you." All these things, echoing in my head, my heart heavy and my eyes burning.

There I sit. Just watching you walk away, stunned that either of us can do or endure such a thing. Wanting to run after you and kiss you again, for the last time. One more last kiss. One more touch of your hand to my face or back. One more glance. Just one more.

With my heart heavy and the tears still falling, I leave. Still feeling you next to me. Still tasting your lips on mine. Coming home and thinking I'd see your sneakers or your phone. Looking for your glasses or wallet on the dresser. The faint scent of your cologne catching my attention, and I collapse. Knowing that it's over, you're gone and my moments of happiness have ended until the next time.

I'm sullen and stupid, weak and wilted. I never knew love to be such an ailment, until I knew what it was like to not have you around at all times.

I never took love for granted, for I never truly knew what love was. I had visions of this grandeur emotion that was unrelenting and wondrous. You didn't have to work for it, it merely existed around you and everything fell into place. I was sadly mistaken.

Love is a trial, a tribulation. It's a disease, a demise, a regret and a miracle. It's beautiful in it's many forms, but it's definitely not something that works alone. It works WITH you. You need to cater to it and nurture it. You need to be open to it and take the good with the bad. Most of all, you need to appreciate it, because it's when you least expect it, yet need it the most, it's gone.

I am in love. I am alone. I am amazed. I am listless.

I don't know what I am, because I am many things.

Most of all, I AM loved in return. Even when I don't deserve it, even when I least want it. I am.

I miss you.