ilu

sometimes, there are no words..
only images..
to capture the moments we'll try our best, to never forget..
i only wish time stood still..

i love you.

bah.

I'm not in a good mood today.

I don't feel well and off to work I go.

la la la.

Someone has been telling me to move on, let go, live for myself, focus more, and just breathe, alone.

I guess in a way, I am slowly doing so.

William bought me a new cell phone, it's so fucking cute, I should have it this weekend when he comes in. I'll be switching providers as well. I'll be a Sprint carrier. I'll still have my other phone (which is beyond broken and junk) until April (stupid fucking Verizon), but I won't be using it, except to check messages and stuff.

I bought a new bookcase, it's black and sleek and it's cute.. it'll match our new bed that I'll be picking up in 2 weeks. I am getting excited. Ausgust is almost here and then it'll be official. We'll be living together. I like this.

I was holding on, waiting for a move to be made. That move never came. So, I did let go. I stepped back, gazed out into the sky and took a deep breath. In that moment, I realized, that you never did love me as much as you said you did. If you did, you'd have still captured the time that was left and proved to me that you wanted me, forever. Instead, you completely let me go and let me find out on my own that you never did care at all. That hurt. But, I suppose I needed it. I needed to know and accept it.

I'm happy now. I'm in love. I'm content. I'm optimistic. I'm eager and smitten.

On that note, we are currently trying to conceive. I learned how not to worry as much about myself as I should about us as a whole. He's teaching me patience and that it's ok to trust someone other than yourself. Along these realizations, we thought about our future, our forever, and decided to share it with a child. He's adorable when we talk about it. The look on his face while we're laying in bed, pillow talking. I love knowing I make him as happy as he makes me. That assures me that this is all 'right' and 'just'.

With that being said, I'm going back to my fun.

Later days.

Empty.

I sat there today, trying to choke back the tears, and for the most part, I did ok.
I was composed. I was stern with myself. I was capable of not looking you in the eye. I diverted my attention to the possibility that it will only be another few days. Until the moment I heard the familiar sound of diesel rounding the corner and the faint expelling of air from the brakes. I knew in that moment that it was just another goodbye. For each and every one of our hello's, there is another heart wrenching goodbye.

I somtimes sit here wondering if it's all worth it. The pain we put each other through at the end of each visit. The hugs, the coupling, the few kisses leading up to the final one. The walk.

The walk, the walk, the walk.

The moment where I sit there, in silence, yet screaming at the top of my lungs, inside. "Don't go. Don't leave me. Come back. I love you." All these things, echoing in my head, my heart heavy and my eyes burning.

There I sit. Just watching you walk away, stunned that either of us can do or endure such a thing. Wanting to run after you and kiss you again, for the last time. One more last kiss. One more touch of your hand to my face or back. One more glance. Just one more.

With my heart heavy and the tears still falling, I leave. Still feeling you next to me. Still tasting your lips on mine. Coming home and thinking I'd see your sneakers or your phone. Looking for your glasses or wallet on the dresser. The faint scent of your cologne catching my attention, and I collapse. Knowing that it's over, you're gone and my moments of happiness have ended until the next time.

I'm sullen and stupid, weak and wilted. I never knew love to be such an ailment, until I knew what it was like to not have you around at all times.

I never took love for granted, for I never truly knew what love was. I had visions of this grandeur emotion that was unrelenting and wondrous. You didn't have to work for it, it merely existed around you and everything fell into place. I was sadly mistaken.

Love is a trial, a tribulation. It's a disease, a demise, a regret and a miracle. It's beautiful in it's many forms, but it's definitely not something that works alone. It works WITH you. You need to cater to it and nurture it. You need to be open to it and take the good with the bad. Most of all, you need to appreciate it, because it's when you least expect it, yet need it the most, it's gone.

I am in love. I am alone. I am amazed. I am listless.

I don't know what I am, because I am many things.

Most of all, I AM loved in return. Even when I don't deserve it, even when I least want it. I am.

I miss you.

....!

i want to say that i'm ok..
i know thats what you want to hear..

but inside, i'm not ok..
i'm not holding myself together well..
i'm feeling scattered and torn..
i feel empty when you're gone..
i cry myself to sleep because i'm alone..

i dont know how to piece together the words..
the ones that i want you to hear, but am too scared to speak..
the thoughts that hinder me from feeling completely content..

i am my own worst enemy..
i'll be the death of me..

even when i feel like i'm your everything..
i feel like i'm your greatest mistake..

i want to feel your arms around me..
i want your lips on mine..

at the same time, i want to be alone..
because i don't want to drag you down to my level..

i don't know whether to love you.. or let you go..

one day.. it won't only be in pictures..

mhm

i don't know how to explain how i feel and i honestly do not know if i want to even be bothered by trying..
i have had a lot of junk on my mind as of late, such as, where i'm headed, if i'm happy, where i'll be in 10 years from now..
will i have children? will i be married? will i be stable and secure?

i don't know why i'm contemplating all these things..
i feel like i'm in some sort of outer body experience..
i am not the type of person who thinks of such things..

i'm failing myself by conforming to a shell of someone who actually might be content.