|sinking|

sometimes.. it feels like i should jump in the drain..
and just hope to float to somewhere else, anywhere but here.

I fucking miss you.

I am so lost without him.

5 days and here I sit, depressed and sullen, because half of me is missing.

Each Goodbye gets harder to deal with.

|life|

I have so much on my mind, I don't even know where to start.
Thinking about being possibly with child, has me freaking out.

I can't broadcast this everywhere, since too many people have big mouths, so I thought to myself, why not here? I need an outlet, so now, I'll use it.

I know he loves me, I know I love him, but what this could possibly mean, is devastating to me. I don't want to have him feel strapped down. This wasn't a choice that either of us made. It happend. Now, come tomorrow, we'll know just what to expect. His school is the most important thing to me. I made him well aware of how I felt on that issue. I am more than willing to be on the back burner for his education, and if I feel at all like I am impeding upon it, I shall remove myself from said situation. Even as hard as that sounds, it will be done. I want what's best for him, not for me. He is my numero uno priority.

On a happier note, he'll be here tomorrow night until Monday. I am ecstatic. I have never needed someone's arms around me as much as I do his, now.

|answers|

I've been racking my brain for words that could make this all easier for you.
I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why it played out as it had.
I've done everything in my power to try and understand the intricacies of it all.

To you, this was spur of the moment. One minute we were a "we" and the next, I was loving someone else. But, it hadn't happend like that. I've spent the last few months trying to convey to you that I was feeling second best. I was feeling like you were slipping away from me. You were making me feel like I wasn't a priority in your life. You were there, 3k miles away, while I was here, hanging on. You would go days when you needed space, and I'd wait for a phonecall, hoping you were ok. I would write how I felt and allow you to read it, in that moment, you'd reassure me that I was wrong and I shouldn't feel that way, but I DID feel that way and you weren't doing anything to fix it.

After I returned home from spending a week with you, I felt lost and I felt alone. I didn't know which end was up, because I needed to disect my life and start working on my goals and where I was headed. In that moment, I hurt you. I walked away without saying everything that was needed to be said, and in turn, we both lost that battle.

When I finally decided I wanted to spend my life with you, I expected you to reciprocate said feelings. I wanted you to prove to me that that's what you wanted as well. But, you didn't. I just kept finding out more things that hurt me. The secret MySpace acct, the letters to Nicole, you hiding your emotions from me. It all played a part in why I ended up feeling like I did. Why I felt second best and never quite good enough. Even though you attempted to reassure me, I needed more. I needed more than a few words or an email. I needed you. I needed you here. I needed proof that we were a good idea. But, all along, you just kept keeping me at arms length. You'd give an inch, but then take 5 back.

You said you did things for me, such as stop talking to certain people, spending less time online. YOU didn't do that for me, you did it for you. I never asked anything of you, just honesty. I didn't want you taking time off from your friends or from people online. I wanted you to put me first, I wanted to be the one in your life, the CONSTANT. I apparently failed.

I fought to hold on. I fought to love you and hope that that love was enough to endure all of this. But again, I failed. I allowed someone in, I allowed someone in that was willing to love me. That was willing to listen to me. That was willing to come here and hold me, when everything was falling apart. Someone that was willing to give me HIS all, his everything, without fear or restriction. Without reason to doubt. I fell victim to his heart and his love, and in turn, gave him mine.

I need a break..

break over/6:50pm*

I'm sure while reading this, you're going to insinuate or think that I find him to be a better man. Well, that's not true. Neither of you are better than the other. In my eyes, you're both male, completely different males, but never the less, not one of you is better than the other. You both have significant qualities. You both deserve happiness. I'm still not sure if I were ever worthy of your love and I'm nearly 100% positive that he desrves better than me as well.

You asked me if I was IN love with him, and at first, I couldn't answer you, because I didn't know what was becoming of it or occuring. But, I do love him and I am IN love with him. He's become someone I can see a future with. The "F" word that I've hated and avoided for an awfully long time is now something I think of.

I never was out to hurt you, it was not a goal of mine. I take full responsibility for hurting you. But, I don't take full responsibility for the way things occurred or happend. Realtionships are two way streets, a 50/50 deal. I just couldn't do it on my own anymore.

I fought to keep Will at arms length, like you did to me for so long. I didn't think he deserved to be let into my world or would be able to handle it. I didn't want to let him in and get close to someone. I felt like I was cheating on you, by befriending another man. He made me see that I deserved to have someone around that cared. Someone that was willing to support me. Someone, just someone to be here.

Even after I told you how I felt and what I wanted, I still fought him off. But, it was apparent, I needed him. There was something there that couldnt be ignored. And now, there's love there. A love that I cherish. But it doesn't mean that I stop loving and caring for you. You were and ARE a big part of my life. So you can hate me all you want, but in the end, I'll still be here.

I just wish I knew where "here" was.

|home|

"i'm staring out into the night,
trying to hide the pain.
i'm going to the place where love
and feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
and the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

well i'm going home,
back to the place where i belong,
and where your love has always been enough for me.
i'm not running from.
no, i think you got me all wrong.
i don't regret this life i chose for me.
but these places and these faces are getting old,
so i'm going home.
well i'm going home."



i just want you to love me
and i want you to continue doing so..
i don't care how long it takes, but i'm not going anywhere..

|hrm|

i dont know what to say, other than fuck.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

that's about all for now i guess, you want more, read the myspace blog.

i dont' feel like being detailed here, i hate blog stalkers.

i'm just, bleh.

|whoa|

I'm in something, deep.
I'm hoping by next weekend, I'll know just HOW deep.

|linger|

i honestly don't have words..
i have memories and moments..
all of which mean the world to me.

i can't just pinpoint one emotion and be like..
hey, that's how i feel, because really, i'm taking it all in at once..
millions of emotions coursing and not one settling.

i miss you.
and although you couldn't care less..
it needs to be said.

|shoot me|

behind the makeup, behind the clothes, behind the look of longing, there lies the pain..

the emptiness and the heartache..

you'll never know, just how hard it was to edit the red eyes, so the world didnt know i was crying for you.

|pain|

i was going to take some pictures today, but then decided against it.
i look like ass., and no one wants to see some tear-clad jerk, sprawled out in misery.

the weekend is slowly approaching and i'm anticipating some nice alone time with William.
i need this., a lot. i need to just curl up inside someone who cares and just be me.

i had that once, and i thought i'd have it again, i just didnt think it was going to be this long of a wait., nor did i think it was going to be with anyone else but him.

so, i took it upon myself to move forward and seek out the answers.
during that quest, i met someone wonderful and who breathes life into my core.
without judging, without assumptions, without accusations, without jealousy.
most of all, without restraint.

i kept telling him he couldnt come here, and we'd have to be patient..
even though it was nothing more than some much needed cuddling between friends..
some quiet time to reflect and search for ourselves, together..
but, it still didn't feel right, and i was still searching for answers to the situation of mixed emotion and distant pain.

well, i found said answers, after months of listening to my heart, i decided to listen to my head, instead..
and that led me here, to this precise moment in time, this emptiness that i now feel, because i cut a piece of me away.
i cut you away, from me..

this is the hardest thing i have done in an awfully long time, if not ranking up there with some of the hardest things of my whole life..

but, i couldnt keep lying to myself that we were happy, if we were, there wouldnt be times that you needed so much space, days would go by without contact..
there wouldn't be a need for me to seek attention elsewhere, because you were lax at giving it to me, when i needed it..

there would have never been any doubts or misconceptions as to where are priorities were..
but now i know, they never were with 'us'.. they were with everything revolving around 'us'.

i love you, i love you so much that i feel this is the only way to prove to you just how much i truly do love you.. by letting you go..
instead of holding on for months to come, only to be let down later, i chose to end it now..

it kills me inside, all of me, i bleed out daily, in mass quantities of agony..
but in the end, you'll think of me, take a deep breath in, and you'll smile..
because you loved me, as much as i loved you..
and you'll remember that love, and those touches.. and remember me, always.

i love you.

|mute|

i was told a picture speaks a thousand words, then i guess these speak in volumes..

that tear was born with you in mind.

|stolen|

i put on a really good act..
if only i could convince myself that i was ok..
then maybe, just maybe, i could sleep..
and possibly smile.

there is no replacement, there is only hope..
that one day, we'll be together, again.

trust in the fact, i did what was right..
not for me, but for both of us..

i try to get through this with a smile..
the best fake smile.. the best fake everything..
every day a new challenge to arise and breathe.

i cant breathe.



"Invitation only grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight
You have stolen my heart"

give me strength..

if my words had a face, i imagine they'd be crossed between:

the tears are endless

and as much as you might disbelieve..

i never lied to you.. ever..

|end|

i choked on every word i typed..and i typed them, because speaking them would have killed me..
you fail to understand that i saved both of us from destruction..
and maybe someday, you will..
but for now, it's safe for you to hate me..
i hate myself.

i cant stop crying, i cant stop analyzing every possibility..
the only prominent decision was to end it, before we ended each other.
i held on long enough, and you let go too often..
i don't blame you, i never was good enough..
which is why i'm the one letting go now.

i love you, always have.

|space|

i need to vent, rant, cry, whatever..
i, for the longest time have sat back, and took the brunt of whatever it is you call "this"..i've sat quietly by, while you took time "off" and distanced yourself..i've stuck by your side when you had decisions to make, or needed to contemplate options..i remained faithful over definitive space and time..i cried myself to sleep some nights, because it seemed like we were falling apart..i stayed awake, by the phone, for the call that never came, when you promised it would..i gave my heart and soul, even if it took breaking yours first, to realize where mine was and wanted to be..
but, i can't do this anymore..
i can't sit here, like i have for MONTHS.. and wonder whats next..and when that something "next" is going to happen or arrive..

i need to do some things for me, like i originally planned..i need to breathe, alone, and see where life takes me..even if it whisks me away to places unforseen..
i need to figure out my game plan.. i need to work on my career, my family, my health..
all of those things which ended up on a backburner, because i wasn't living for me..i was living for us, and us never happend.. even with the ample amount of time that was laid before us..
i need space.

|rah|

this one is from the crappy road trip, where it rained both ways. :

|possibility|

i could:

possibly

because:

true story.