..

i feel like i'm hanging on, and you're just merely tugging some strings..

i can't do this alone..

!@#!@#

sometimes.. i wonder why i continue to have the same fight with you..
its futile to continue this, especially when you know how it always ends..
the outcome is always the same.. yet, you always have to try to get the last word..

1. it's not my fault
2. i refuse to feel to blame any longer
3. i'm done being afraid of you or your words
4. i'm better than you, always have been, i just failed to see it
5. i will not take you back, again, ever, or in a constant state of delirium
6. your lies were enough to drive me so far away, i'm actually lost
7. fuck off and have a nice day

|vulnerability|

i want him to touch me, unlike anyone ever has..

all of me, for all of him, always..

|memories|

i daydream about our last day together..
when we were in SLC, standing there freezing, my hands in your pockets, my head on your chest, your arms wrapped around me and your chin resting on my head..
everything stood still.. and i never felt more secure.. more loved and taken care of.. and when i looked up at you, your smile assured me, every moment mattered..

i want to disappear and go back to when your touch wasn't a memory, but an everyday occurence..

i love you, Jaxson..
i can't wait to tell you, repeatedly, for the rest of our lives..

|until the day i die|

The more I think about it, the more I want this back:

It can't come soon enough..
I can't breathe without you.

|disconnect|

sometimes, you're searching for the words, to make yourself feel less alone..
and sometimes, you're struggling to not speak at all..
sometimes, you're fighting to find yourself, and willing to dig as deep as needed..
and sometimes, you're content in knowing you're just a shell of a has been..

i have no strength to continue to fight..

|sinking|

everything is dark.. that's about the only way I can describe things lately..
i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to eat, i cant tolerate people..
i write, because its all i have to depict what i'm feeling..
i'm sinking again and i fear the outcome this time.

my body aches with each motion and my lips hurt with each word muttered.
its like i cannot function, or i just chose not to, i havent figured out which yet.

i feel worthless and flawed, ugly and just unneeded and unwanted.
i'm a failure to everyone and a disappointment to the rest.

i think things that lack proper judgment, and do things that i shouldnt..
certain objects spark memories of an old me, the old me that was buried long ago..

i'm nothing. i'm lost.

|sugar|

...place your hand on my heart

so you can feel how it dances to your touch..

words mean little, if your love doesnt back them..

|decisions|

I'm sacrificing myself, and putting my heart back on the line.
I'm going against the advice of others, because I never was one to follow the rules.
I'm taking a risk, because you're assuring me things will change.

All I ever wanted was your love, pure and justified.
I wanted a part of you that NO ONE has ever had or will have.
I want to believe that you're devoted to making us work.
And yes, I do mean 'us'. No more games or tip toeing around.

I want commitment and stability, trust and security.
I want your heart in this, just as mine has been.

IF you can prove to me that you're finally willing to leap.
You'll have me heart and soul, always.

|all thats left|

is music.. and lyrics that remind me I can still feel..
even if all I feel is hurt.



You Were The One

it's friday night and i can just talk for hours and hours
'till I wake up and wonder where the time went
when you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
i loved

now lock your doors and chain up all of your mixed emotions
'cause they will come and get you just when you don't
'cause you were the one I loved
you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved

now you just look around and wonder why you've wondered
so long, so hard and you're still wrong
i'd have taken you back
i'd have taken you back
when you were the one I loved

so we've been through the motions and suffer these delusions
but i'll dream away my sorrows on through the night
'cause you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
i loved

|mime|

I've come to the conclusion that feeling like nothing and/or empty, would still be better than how I feel right now at this point in time.

I walk the house as a shell of someone who was once happy, only a matter of days ago. Someone who thought the world revolved around her and the love she found. Now, there is nothing. Nothing left.

It's cold.

|deluded|

Well, here I sit, cigarette in hand, still thinking, still stirring, still at odds as to what to do, which direction to go in and what decision to make. I'm sloth like, thanks to the handful of xanax I ingested and the few shots of vodka to chase them down. I woke up, phone in hand and yet, still in some weird comatose haze. I want to believe that this never happend. That my life, is still normal, atleast to what my idea of normal is. I can't seem to function anymore. No matter what I try to do, I end up sulking back into bed and just fighting to breathe and hold back the tears. I honestly thought I reached the point last night, that I just couldnt cry anymore, I was wrong, so wrong.

I think what bothers me the most is that, all these years I've been so cynical of the word "love". It's so overused and tossed around that it lost all meaning and value. Now, yes, I do love a select few of my friends, and even one or two of the exes, but of those exes, they were friends far before anything ever remotely evolved. So my friendship always outweighed the falling out we may have had and is still valued. Truth be told, I never completely ever lost myself in someone before, and I never 'fell' IN love with them, to the point where the whole phrase meant as much as it has lately to me. I've racked my brain over and over again, comparing the scenerios and the feelings. I've disected and rationalized every ounce of emotion that has coursed through me within the past few years. Nothing, nothing has come close to how I felt with him. None of the "I love you's" from before, ever amounted to those which I expressed to him.

So here is where the problem lies:

If I ever wrestled with any thought or contemplation of feelings for anyone else, I would HAVE NEVER told you I loved you. I would not have done that to you. This is why its so hard for me to come to terms with all of this. You tell me you came to realize that your feelings for me were stronger than those you had for her, but all along, you were still holding on to what exactly it was that you were feeling for her to begin with. What if you came to see that she is what you wanted? Where would that have left me? Point in case.

I'm heartbroken either way. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with her. The fact is, you have one. And at one point in time, it was far more personal and in depth then it is now and it COULD happen again. If she was any type of friend, she'd have been happy for you, happy for us. Not expressing how jealous she was, or how she felt. But, then again, she wasnt the only one with those mixed emotions. I can't accept this. I can't grasp onto the concept of being with you and still knowing you love her. I feel betrayed. I feel unwanted. And most of all, I feel unloved.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't fucking eat, I can't nearly breathe. The only way I can sleep is when I drug myself beyond belief and pass out. The sad thing is, I wish with every swallow that it'll be the last time I open my eyes.

|the burn|

I need to write because I've no idea what to do with myself. My family is all downstairs, the kids, the parents, anyone who should mean everything to me, and I can't even enjoy it. All I can do is sulk and get asked, what's wrong.? How do I answer?

"I'm sorry, the man I thought loved me just broke my heart, on my own accord, because I knew all along he was actually loving someone else"

Does that work? No. Of course not. Because then I get the glares and the I'm sorry's and the what the hell happends? Then its back to crying and falling to pieces, when I need to move on and be strong. But, I'm not strong, I'm weak. I keep hearing the words he typed to her in my head and with each one it's just another blow to my pride, my soul and what's seemingly left of my heart.

I'm empty right now. So empty that the thought of being able to fix it only creates more of a void. I could go and be with anyone, but what does that solve or fix? Nothing. I never wanted anyone else, I was never torn between two, or four. I always knew who I wanted to be with and never questioned where I stand with another. So excuse me for not understanding how this could all happen or how it works.

I dont understand how you could progress with me, when you were torn up about feelings with her. Was I just a filler? Someone to take your mind off the mess that you both created? It's not my fault you're both fucking imbeciles who can't discuss how you feel. So here I am, 100% in love and so fucking scared of losing myself in someone, and I get fucking torn apart, becuase for the love of fuck you both decide to finally talk about your emotions.

I'm a fucking dolt for thinking I could lower a wall and not get hurt.

And now back to the angry state. Xanax and Vodka never tasted so good.

|mc|

Merry fucking Christmas.


Ps.,

Eric,
Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thank you, thank you for being good at picking up pieces.
Even if it takes a 9 hour phonecall, a lot of venting, and a few neverminds.
Among the dysfunction and tears, you made me smile.
I love you.
/fin


I'm hurting, I don't even think I could honestly begin to explain how it is I feel. There are no words for the pain that is radiating through my chest and running amuck in my head. I've yet to sleep. I can't even fathom eating anything, and my family will be arriving shortly. I want to take anything I can to forget you. I want you gone. If I could rip you from my heart and memories, I would do so in an instant. I never wanted to be numb so badly in my life. I'm angry, I'm shocked, I'm fucking annoyed. I hate that I allowed you to manipulate me into believing you loved me. If and when you love someone, you don't lie to them. YOU don't hurt them as much as you've done to me. YOU try anything in your power to salvage what you have. All you wanted was everything, and now, I don't feel that your 'everything' included me. How could it have? When you openly admit to someone that you'd have felt the same way as they did? Oh, but I forgot, we were just 'friends'. So really, I've nothing to be upset about, I'm use to losing 'friends'. So now you've all the time in the world to go be with your other 'friend'. You both deserve one another. So keep telling me I don't have any idea as to what relationship you both have. It was made clear to me in a matter of moments. I'm not a moron.

You were the death of me. I hope you're happy.

|lies|

I dug my grave, so I shall lay in it. I'm well aware of the consequences. I chose the path, I traveled, I made the mistake.

In my heart, I always knew. I knew there was more than you led on, more than you promised, more than I was willing to let myself believe. I was blinded by the love I had for you and the late night talks of a future and children, how you told me that you could see it all with me. If only I knew then, you were laying out the same scheme with someone else, or atleast envisioning it.

I wanted to trust in your words, and believe the "we're just friends" speech. I wanted to let go of all my distrust and move forward, only ever lowering my wall for you. I wanted the future, the dream, the forever. But, you want your cake and to eat it too.

I know what I did was wrong. I know and I'm not proud. I hate myself for being that weak. But, you know what? I was right ALL along. I had reason to doubt, EVEN when you assured me I shouldnt, I know now, I was right too. You cant tell me anything that would make this less painful, that would make me believe you when you say you love me.

I'll never believe another word you speak. You can have her. Go.

I fucking hope she's everything you've ever wanted. I know I'm not.

|sadness|

Words ring truer and truer every day..
You're letting go and I'm merely hanging on..

|shew|

He called to tell me I'm beautiful and that he was thinking of me..
Then, he sent me an email to remind me that I'm one of a kind..

If only he knew..

|him|

i've come to realize that there is no time for me..

somehow, i'm alright with that..

thanks, Kyle. <3

|shoot|

i figured i'd make it easy for you..

so i drew the bullseye on my chest..

and i even loaded the gun..

i hate you.

|harsh|

I've never felt so unwanted or unneeded in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so slighted, either.

I know he's upset and angry, annoyed and frustrated.
I also know he needs his space, as do I, and even yes, especially now.
But, you do not just CUT me the fuck out completely.

How are we supposed to have a future or a relationship of any kind, when you can't include me in this? We'd not last a week.

I can't do this, because the silence and the shutting me out is literally breaking my heart.