...

I'm not in a very good mood today.
I have a dr's appt manana and its driving me insane.

I don't want to continue feeling this torn up inside, either.
I've a lot coursing through me lately.
Too much.

I just want to curl up into a comatose state and dream of a life far better.

Party Up, Yo.

It turned out to be a pretty good event, minus the aggravation and massive bickering.
I couldnt have asked for better nieces and nephews. I just wish they ALL could have been there.
Unfortunately, life gets in the way more often than naught.

I also could not have been blessed with a better boyfriend.

And now, off to sleepy bye land.

Undeniable.

I sat here today, just watching and observing his interactions with my nieces and nephew.
Everytime, a smile would form on his lips, even when he would encounter one of their antics and even a tantrum.
Kiyah's terrible two outbursts, Alissa's screaming and cackling, Zachary's shy and meek nature.
Each moment, the same smile or look.
Having him stand behind me, watching Kiyah sleep and snore, made me feel eased in some weird way.
It warmed my heart and melted me, seeing him tickle their feet, find a sippy cup, even accept a snotty kiss g'bye.
The more the afternoon and day went on, one thing became more and more clear to me.
I can't wait to have one of his.

I'm in love, and for the first time in my life, I'm ok with this.
It feels wonderful.

Idle.

After last night and this morning, I feel unattractive and disgusting.
I know his intent wasn't to make me feel that way, but it's how I feel.

How else am I supposed to feel, knowing I can't get him 'off'?
Maybe I am ugly.

Blah.

-sigh-

Sometimes, I wake up crying.
It's not something I like.
It's not something I really speak of.
But then, my day is basically already planned out.

I know I'm going to be miserable.
I know I'm going to be on edge.
I know I'm going to be distant.

I hate these days.
I hate myself.

Rant.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about things lately.
Like, where my life is headed, where I'm going to end up or how I'm going to end up, for that matter. What I want to accomplish, and where I see myself.

William and I have discussed the baby thing. It's been on ongoing discussion for a while now. I've been kind of discouraged since the incident, but I think that incident was what made me realize that it wouldnt have been such a bad thing, or an accident. It made me content in how I felt towards him and that he was willing to stand by me whatever the outcome. Lately, upon discussing it, it's like one minute we're waiting, the next not so much. One minute we're going with the flow and the next, planning our family. I like this. I like knowing he's behind me, with whatever comes our way. He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel stable. Most of all, he makes me feel as though everything makes sense.

People seem to like to get involved and advise me that I'm moving too fast and that I'll just end up hurt and upset. I don't understand how it's a possibility. I apparently don't see, what they are telling me that they see, or why they're so concerned that I'm being careful. I've never actually felt this secure in a relationship. So, maybe for me, that's a big deal.

I'm content right now. I want to spend my life with this man. I want to envision my future and all it's endeavors with him. Which in turn, makes me think long term potential and a family. I see nothing wrong with this.

IF you see a problem, you should keep it to yourself. I don't need you imposing on my happiness if YOU can't be happy for me. I'm quite content in my relationship. Enough to want to raise a family with him, enough to be secure in the fact that he does, in fact, love me and want the same.

So, this is me, telling you to keep your opinions to yourself. If things go sour, or if we fail, then it's on US, not you. I don't need "I told you so's" or any "You should have listened to me's". I'm doing this on my own, for me, for us.

Friends are there to help you and listen to you and offer advice or a shoulder. They are not there to try and sway your decisions. So before you start with your judgments and opinonted statements, think about where you are in that equation.

Now, after I've gotten that off my chest, I'm taking my bloated, crampy ass to the couch and I'm going to contemplate what I'll be naming my future child and anticipating Wednesday to arrive so I can spend the week with the man I love.

Later days.

4am.

It's 430am.
I can't sleep.
So what do I do? That's right, write.

I woke up missing you.
Your arms. Your touch. Your kiss.

The way I can feel at ease that you're next to me.
The way you pull me close, even while you're sleeping.
The half asleep kisses you place on my forehead.

To so many people, these are minute details, but to me, they're everything.

Each day it gets harder to deal with the distance.
I try and hold back the tears, but lately, they just fall.
I don't know how to deal with the massive quantity of love I hold for you.

Everything, is new.
As exciting as it is, it's frightening to think that it's possible to feel this exhilirated, this alive, this IN love.

I can't wait until we start our family.
I've never wanted anything as much as I want a future, with you.

Pleh.

I feel a little weird lately.
Maybe it's because I've been having really awkward dreams.

Maybe it's because I'm legally insane.

Who knows.

|and again we struggle on|

I don't understand why I find the need to analyze myself.
I should be content with who I am and who I am becoming.
My lack of self esteem is ground breaking, so bad, that it's causing me to second guess my importance in someone's life.
It's also allowing other people to influence how I feel about myself and the odds of survival in my current relationship.

Scenerio:
I met a friend of the Bf's this weekend. Actually, I met several. One in particular, stood out. Mainly due to the fact that, I realized shortly afterwards, she was one of the women he had a "thing" for, at one point in time. Now, normally, this would not bother me in the least. I'd be, ok, so be it, and move on. Not so much. I spent an entire day sizing myself up to her, as though I didn't hate myself enough, I decided to pin point all her qualities and compare them to my own. Disecting the differences and making myself feel less of a person, because well, that's just who I am sometimes. She's prettier, she's skinnier, she's funnier, she's more in tune with him as a person, he knows her well, she knows him inside and out, he looks at her differently than he looks at other people, blah blah fucking blah. My mind was, to say the least, chaotic. But, I made it through. Even if I was miserable and my allergies dampered my mindset and mood, I pulled through like a fucking trooper.

I didn't think it would ever be this hard to honestly be secure in who I am. I never thought I'd come to that point in this relationship that I'd question my self worth or value. What they say is true, you are your own worst enemy and critic. I'm still uneasy and unnerved by this. I should just breathe and let it pass, but for some strange reason, it still lingers.

Is it because I value what we have so much that I fear losing it? Or is it because I know eventually, I'm still going to find it in me to try and push him away? I have no bloody idea anymore. I love him enough to want to protect him from MY self destruction. I know he's a big boy and can make his own decisions, but really, he has no idea what he's up against.

I'm the furthest thing from perfection and the closest thing to the greatest mistake.

<3

i dont know how to explain the love i have in my heart for you..
but, i'll live my life with the intent to convey it as much as i can, forever.

i love you, William.

heh

.........

I am nothing.
I am but that, which you allow me to be.

I could be regret, remorse, or a rebuttle.
I could be the next great thing, or the biggest mistake that you make.
I could be love, or loss, or I could linger or evaporate into nothing.

I might be your long lost love, or the one that got away.

I could be many things, but the one thing I could never be was your future.
I could not be the one that forever hindered you and which you wanted to stay by your side.

You pushed while I pulled.
I pushed and you remained.
I pulled you into me and yet, you pushed me further away.

I have guilt. I have regret. I have remorse.
I have a lot of love left for you and for us.

I just dont have the strength.

I never fell out of love, I just stopped holding on.

Hrm.

I feel weird today.
I'm sick and cranky.
But, never the less, I have a feeling that this is going to be an awfully weird day.

|remorse|

|love|

People, for years, have argued over the definition of love and the differences between the types. I, for one, have only ever thought of it in 3 segments.

1) The love you have and hold in your heart for relatives and family. Typically, this is an unconditional love and it usually doesnt have limits.

2) Then there is the love that you have for friends and some 'significant' others.
Typically, this is the "I love you" trend we witness on a day to day basis which usually leaves us questioning it's amount and the basis behind it. (The what have they done for me? love)

3) Last but not least, the infamous "IN" love, love. Now this is the "I might want to marry you" type of love. The "I can see my future with you, and you alone" love. It's the love that people seek out and look for, when really, it does in all honesty, come to you when you least expect it. It's the UNCONDITIONAL love that speaks in volumes, even in silence, with just a smile.


I have type 3. I'm lucky. I'm accepting the fact of just how lucky I am. Even though, I honestly don't understand how people can put limitations or definitions on such a thing as love. But then again, I'm as hypopcritical as they come when it comes to love. A walking contradiction, so to speak.

But, I'm happy. He makes me feel happier than I could have ever imagined.
I'm a beliver again. I believe love is real, not a falacy, and I embrace it with open arms.