|and.. he sang to me|

She said let go, goodbye
So pathetic yet it seems so right
I said alright, okay
Anything to make me go away
If you get back before I do
If you could only hear me through
It used to be so easy
Oh no you've gone and done it
All over time and time again
She said alright okay
Anything to make me away
I said oh no don't cry
Another day like this and I'll lose my mind
Cause it seems to me you're leaving
You must have your reasons
Again another season, one more day
And my heart stops beating


...you break me down

|information|

i didnt think i'd ever come across something such as this..

i didnt think you felt that way..
you asked me how i never knew, and i went blank..
i didn't know.. i never guessed or assumed..

10 years.. 10 fucking years later you reveal this all to me as though it were yesterday..
as though it were new.. and i should have known..

you felt this way for 1o years and chose to stay silent?!?!
how could you? how is that possible?

you sat silently in the background, allowing me to come to you for everything..
to cry to you, to bitch and moan, vent and fall apart..
you picked up every piece of me and slowly built me back up..
you held my hand and made sure i was ready to walk alone again..

you were like my training wheels.. my lucky rock.. my trusty pen.. my favorite pair of sneakers..
you were everything and then some..

i choked it all back and told you i didnt feel weird..
well, for the first time in 10 years, i lied to you..
i actually told a lie..

it's not that i feel 'weird', i just feel, awkward..
i dont know how to react to all of this, without feeling lied to, myself..
of all the chances you had.. you chose to remain in silence..
you allowed me to live a life that structured me into who i've become..
a life that ran me ragged, disappointed me, disillusioned me, made me bitter, but made me strong..
i don't know whether to hate you, or love you more..

you were always the one who knew what to say, what to do and tell me when to bury my head and let it pass..
you told me who was good for me and who i was too good for..
you sang to me.. you cried to me.. you confessed to me and confided in me..
all the while, loving me..

i know you love me, i knew you loved me..
but you're right.. each time you would tell me, i didnt know just how much..
you were right all along, i didnt know it's full extent..

now, now i just dont know anything..

my lips are closed and my tongue, muted..

|doot|

cathartic romance

glistening across the frosted pane

synthetic smiles

echoing through past remains

diligence and desperation

going hand in hand

pestilence and pessimism

helping me to understand

ironically the irony

is that i feel complete

theoretically in theory

i succumb to self defeat

im writing again..

atleast, i'm trying to..

i feel so.. inadequate..

which is why i guess, i'm writing..

blah.

|brr|

i'm sick and feel as though i am dying..

im used to having colds and sinus issues, as i get them often..
but, this flu is kicking my ass.. it sucks..

i feel as though everything has been taken from me..
and it really is a bother..

i didnt want to miss any time at work, especially within the first two weeks..
but, i struggled through yesterday with a fever and it's still not broken yet..
so, i wasnt about to struggle through today..

besides, Jaxson yelled at me, so i figured i'd appease him and make him happy..
i know he's right, and i shouldnt concern myself with missing time, if i feel this horrid..

time for more sleep.. i've been up all night.. :

|meh|

i learned that:

5 zolofts and 7 xanax dont help you sleep.. just breathe less..

i also learned that no matter how together you THINK you are..
the more apt you are to feel like a complete failure when you find out that you're not..

vodka tastes better at 3am, with blueberries and frozen grapes..

no one will ever TRULY understand you..

people always say one thing, and do another, and vice versa..

you can be surrounded by a million people, yet still feel alone..

being in love doesnt mean youre incvincible.. but you are more susceptible to doubt..

you can be dying on the inside and no one is the wiser as long as you grin and nod..

a business suit and a fake smile, go an awfully long way..

you can cut yourself into a million pieces, a million times, and not wince once..
as long as you're the one doing the cutting..

life doesnt wait for you.. but it does point and laugh at your misfortune..

|addiction|

im sick of feeling so helpless..
i know none of this is my fault..
but, i cant help but to feel like i should be the glue holding you together..
im failing you, piece by piece, limb by limb..

i dont want you succumbing to this..
i have faith..
but, i dont know how to heal you..
i dont know how to help you, when i cant even help myself..

hour by hour, day by day..
i face the same obsticles..
i reach for the razor.. or the pill bottle..
i know the pain..

i just dont know how to salvage everything..
i dont know how to fix you..

im sorry.. i love you..

|need to know basis|

first he tells me i'm beautiful..
then he informs me that i'm everything he's ever wanted..

following that with some more flattery, a few compliments.. and then..
yes, then, he admits to me that he's touched himself to my pictures..
not once, not twice, but on many occasions..

uhm.. excuse me while i go bathe myself in bleach..

i can never look at you the same..

|dick|

youre a fucking asshole, plain and simple..
i'm nothing special..
as a matter of fact,.
i'm just as special as everyone else is to you..

you dont make me feel any different..
youre failing again..
and again, they're just words..
so do me a favor..
save your breath and just don't speak..

i'd rather your silence then your lies..

now i know why i refuse to bother..

|stalk, stalk, stalk|

you can stop stalking my blog anytime now..

or atleast leave a fucking comment..

because i'm sick of you lurking and then slipping up later on and admitting it through no admission of your own, but rather your snide remarks..

you're such an asshole.. you should have been honest from the beginning..
maybe then, you wouldnt be just a watcher.. but a participant..

and stop with the "i love you's",. they mean nothing, not coming from you.

|heh|

i love being someone who is wanted..
vanity is an amazing emotion..
even if it's a rarity to be seen..

i'm your best kept secret.

|babble|

im out of it today..
i feel like im out of my own skin..
i hate this feeling..
i hate feeling distant and not put together..

bah.

and i miss him.. i miss him too much..

|corrupt|

love hurts.. plain and simple..

you have ups and downs, slow starts and traumatic ends..
arguments, yelling matches, sleepless nights and silent wars..
highs and lows, good and bad days..

there really is no way of having a perfect relationship..
you can only strive for a sedated version of perfection..

you realize along the bumps and tense times that you need to breathe..
and not just stand there, arms crossed and inhale..
but honestly, breathe.. take it ALL in..

i've not done that lately, because i never knew how..
i'd sit there, livid and seething, hands trembling, thoughts rampant..
mind scattered, heart pounding, and i wouldnt breathe..
i'd only inhale and choke it down, anxiously taking the next gasp of air..

i know how to savor the air as its entering my lungs now..
because i know the slower i consume it, the longer it lasts..

it's kind of like love,.. the more you pay attention to it..
the more you cherish it and nurture it..
the more you actually come to realize it's worth, and just how wonderful it feels..
especially when you take the time to relish in it..

<3

|sigh|

i never could forgive and forget...
better explained, i could forget, sometimes, just not forgive..

now, it's like, i can't forget.. i just can't..
and it's eating at me, and i've no fucking idea why..

i mean, i do know why.. but this isn't me..
this whole "pondering" and thinking in a negative sense, ISN'T me..

in all of my relationships, ALL of them, i never once feared their outcome..
i was under the impression, what happend, happend,. and it happend for reasons..

now, now i'm constantly in this weird state of awareness and wonder..
and i'm forever seeking answers and justifications..
i'm needing reasons and answers, and i don't knows, don't fucking cut it..

if there is NO reason, and/or NO answer.. then i can't go on..
because i just don't understand.. and i refuse to be left with questions..

Argh.

My mind is my own demise.

I feel alone again.

|eesh|

work.. work.. pleh..
there are no words for the incompetent fools that seem to always surround me when i land a new job.. oi.

secondly, i'm still sick and as much as i pretend to be ok, and force myself to struggle through, it's really exhausting me..
but, as long as i continue to forge ahead, eventually i have to get better, right?

pleh.

|mhm|

thoughts:

i need a new cell phone
i need to save money for an apartment
i need to make a 'to-do-list'
i need to change my outlook on certain things
i need to be more optimistic
i need to decide whether i want to have surgery or not
i need to make appts i know i can make, in order to keep them
i need to write more
i need to accept who i am, and be ok with it
i need to sleep more and eat less

i'll continue this manana.

|pfft|

i started out having a wonderful day..

its amazing how fast things change..

blah

|fraud|

i sat here today, thinking about a lot of things, majorily things i know better then to think about..
but honestly, think about it, how often do i listen to logic? ok then.

i still get sidetracked when it comes to recent events, and i still get all little-girl like and scared..
scared that you're going to one day soon realize i'm not perfect and it's going to damper your decision.

i concern myself with possibilities of people persuading you, or someone better coming along..
when you assure me, repeatedly, that there is no one else for you.

can you explain this to me? can you somehow make me believe in everything? can you fix me?
we both know i'm broken, i just never realized the full extent of the casualty.

i write you letters and notes, trying to capture my emotions on paper, hoping to convey their full worth..
but then i crumble them up and toss them aside, because i fear your response.

i'm jaded enough to have it hinder my trust, have it leave bitter undertones, and cause random thoughts..
but, i'm enchanted enough to overcome any obsticle to believe in us, and love you more than imaginable.

my heart is yours for the taking..

|stance|

"I am yours if you want

and I can be yours to spend your life with

I can be yours, we'll hide indoors petrified of the world

And if you'd rather stay in at night

I can relate to that

And if feels like your hearts dried up

I can relate to that

And if you need someone at your side

I am out there, I'm out there, out there"

some nights, i lay awake, thinking of the perfect words..

some nights i cry myself to sleep, remembering your touch..

i go crazy inside myself, because its easier then letting you see me fall apart..

|ramble|

sometimes i wonder if you made the biggest mistake of your life..
sometimes i wonder if you really still don't know what it is you want..
but you're just going along with the flow of things.. like a ride, for a thrill..

at times, i think i have it all put together, and then realize, just how much i've fallen apart..

i am a puzzle.. a rubix cube.. so many people have given up and walked away..

i don't blame them, i don't blame anyone for giving up..
i'd have given up as well, in fact, i gave up long ago.. because:

i'm complicated, i'm indecisive, i'm elusive, i'm stubborn, i'm proud, i'm dysfunctional..
i'm egotistical, i'm vain, i'm addictive, i'm unattainable, i'm adventurous, i'm crass..
i'm insane, i'm obsessive, i'm compulsive, i'm sporadic, i'm snazzy, i'm sarcastic, i'm honest..
i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm imperfect, i'm mesmerizing, i'm demanding, i'm distrusting..
i'm priceless, i'm blunt, i'm intolerant, i'm dislikable, i'm wanted, i'm beautiful, i'm ignorant..

i'm a plethora of things..

most of all, i'm hateful and snide and i like to think i'm right..

i want to believe you're going to fail me, because i can, not because i want to..

i want to know i'm your number one, always..
and i want to believe it.. for the first time, ever..

i love you.. i can't emphasize that enough.

|epitaph|

stolen moments

fleeting smiles

broken hearts

untraveled miles

unnoticed glances

weakened stares

comforting touches

unanswered prayers

careless whispers

muted desires

empty promises

virtuous liars

petty judgment

harsh replies

blunt accusations

spiteful goodbye's

i hate that i aimlessly search for reasons..

reasons to.. run and hide..

|moments|

sometimes
you sacrifice everything
for one moment of clarity
and in that moment
nothing else matters
nothing

i've never been in love before..

i've never felt as i do, now..

i never knew what it felt like to be content..

you make me happy, you provide me with happiness..

every moment, every tear, every word, all worth it..

i love you.

|rawr|

i love how you want me..

i love how you crave me..

too bad, you cant have me..

or can you?

|mist|

i feel like i'm fading..
every part of me, just drifting..

|update|

i hate being sick..
whatever this is, is draining everything out of me..

i've spent the whole weekend in bed.. and i still can't really sleep..
i've barely eaten anything, and even liquids are hard to keep down..

for the first time, i can't wait to be at the dr's tomorrow..
i can't go on like this, especially with work starting this coming Monday..

pfft.

|heh|

True story.

I'm too smart for weak competition.

I'm too mature for childish games.

I know what I want.

If I can't obtain it, nor can it be provided, I know I can get it elsewhere.

I will not break.

|flicker|

Cold nights, Warm glow.

I miss you more than should be humanly possible.

Words can't express the longing in my heart.

|epiphany|

im looking away from the complications
and looking towards our future..

|...|

i was wrong..

and you've not very much time to explain yourself..

because right now, i'm seething..

and she, she told me all i needed to know.

|deja vu|

i hope, for the love of god, our love is strong enough to get us through what i know is about to happen..

and that there are no secrets hovering, for the sake of both of us..

|torment|

-torment

i choke on the words that are born upon my lips

as they die the precise moment they hit your deaf ears

i cant control the way my emotions play out

when it's your delayed reactions that torment my fears

i'm wilted and weakend from all of your games

i'm broken and bruised from wearing your shame

and i've never quite looked just as beautiful, as i do

all the while i am wearing your unrequited love

|pondering|

sometimes i sit here and wonder about the things you say to me..

you say you love me, yet you can never seem to show it, unless i make a comment.. then you go out of your way to appease me, to call more, to text more.. because i mentioned it, not because you realized you werent doing it..

you say you care and want us to be together, but yet, you can never find the words to make me believe thats its just not some ficticious dream..

i get so confused.. i know at times, i cant find the words to describe the love i have for you, but thats due to the fact that its not something i've ever felt before..

you're the first.. the first man i've ever fallen in love with, the first man who's ever completely captured me and my heart.. but you're also the first man who makes me feel as though i'm doing something horrifically wrong.. or that i'm just not worth the effort..

you said last night that you know you dont shower me with affection, why? are you ashamed of me? of us? would it make it less easy for you to manage every other relationship you have? worried that women will stop fawning over you? are you still keeping your options open? these are the things i am left to think about.. i'm left to ponder whether or not your heart is in this..

i feel like i'm on the outside looking in..

|to the left|

truth, its easier digested with a side of fuck you.

|chatter|

him: god i miss your voice
him: this is insane
me: awh, i dont know why
me: my voice is horrid
him: i need it


Eric:
i can't take this anymore
vain :
lol
Eric:
i want to buy a house
Eric:
come live here so we can buy a house
vain :
lol
vain :
you only want me to help support you!
Eric:
no, i want us to have a house.
Eric:
plus if you're stuck in a mortgage you can't run away ;)
vain :
lol
vain :
you're always thinking ahead
Eric:
yep..i'd even have the contract drawn so the lender couldn't hold the other party responsible if one didn't pay...
Eric:
i'm smeert.
vain :
lol
Eric:
blech
vain
i want a lot of things.
Eric:
whatever...get you ass here so we can break in my new place.
Eric:
hahah
Eric:
fo ril
vain :
fo sheezy

sometimes its nice to know you're wanted
other times, it's mundane to be an object..

i can't seem to find a happy medium.

|motive|

i cant keep hiding everything..
it gets hard to swallow after a while..

your actions hurt just as much as your words..
think before you breathe..

im already suffocating.

|vanity|

i decided i'm done playing games, i'm playing for keeps..
i'm a hot commodity, and in demand right now..

let's see who captures the prize.