|signal|

there isn't much that moves me..

pictures however, do..

writing, words with conviction, move me..

a smile that hasn't graced a face for quite some time, moves me..

fascination, all of it..

i have been needing to get away, so tomorrow will be lovely..

i'll take pictures on the way in and then during said activites..

i should have a lot to post when i return..

then in two weeks i am planning on hopefully making it into NYC..

it's going to hopefully be the 11th, but possibly might be held off until the 18th..

it all depends on the finances and the job situation..

i have been wanting to get back there for years and just never had time..

now, there's no time quite like the present, i mean, it's not like i have anything better to do..

and i am dying to go to the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art)..

and hopefully have time left for the Bronx Zoo..

we'll see, hopefully everything starts falling into place soon, i hate feeling scattered..

<3

|aye, aye|

i don't know how to explain anything, anymore..
so many things are happening in my life..
so many turns, trials, tribulations, emotions, events..

my head is spinning out of control..

i have to make a decision in regard to my future, my family, my employment, my health..
i need to understand why i do what i do to myself..
i want to understand why i think the way i do, or why i harm everything that is me..
i long to be a better person, and be comfortable in my own skin, but i can't..

i hate who i am, who i've become, what i do to myself..

and then, there comes one moment, one constant.. one thing that doesnt fail or falter..
i like it, a lot..

but, i don't know in which direction its taking me..

i don't know how to handle it, without running, or pushing, or pulling..
i don't know how to let it just exist, without hurting everything/everyone around me..

xanax is my friend.

|color|

when you're near.. everything that was once a fine, laid out plan..

in plain black & white.. now is upside down and colored, vividly..

you're one of the best things ever..

there are no bounds in friendship..

but there are rules: you must not fall, ever..

|film·stripped|

|selflessness|

one day,..

maybe i won't be ashamed of who or what i am..

or how i look, or who i've become..

or even who i'm yet to evolve into..

maybe..

Oi.

So..
I just got a call from a company, that I wanted to work for, for an awfully long time..

Downside was, they were about an hour away..
I left an old job due to travel time and distance, and it was closer than they were..

Upside, this company has relocated and is now about 15-20 minutes away from me, which in all, isn't really that bad, since it's 2 miles off the interstate exit..

I've been busting my ass at the Pharmacy, contracted, and don't even know if they intend on keeping me, even though I'm doing better than 98% of the fucktards that werre brought in with me..

However, said job is 8 minutes away and the hours are ideal.. even if it's mandatory OT..

New job requires no mandatory OT and it's 10-7pm, with an hour lunch..
however, the training is 6 weeks, paid, and 830-530..
with the potential to move down to complete days within a few months.. guaranteed.. 8-5 or 730-430.. score.

I don't know what to do..

I need my car fixed, because of course, it's a priority, and with that being said, I need to maintain this job to accept the possibility of expanding into a new position with the new job..

Problem? I'm sick, and I don't seem to be getting better, I just keep getting gradually worse.. and I need a week or two to myself.. but in order to make everything work, I need to keep working to cover all my bills, the car being fixed and my ass..

Stress? Good fucking lord, I've never been more stressed..

The job of a lifetime and I'm a wreck..

Thanks God, I knew you hated me, just not this much..

|sigh|

here i am..

another mistake

just waiting to be made

just as..

i'm the third lyric

in your love song made for two

i am..

an atrocity in action

who is..

wickedly self-destructive

and a trainwreck to behold

lovely in its monstrosity

stubborn and bold

you kill me, beautifully

|frustration|

.......

no words..

none.

|void|

null and void, thats about how i feel
you leave me to my own vices
when you're supposed to be my saving grace

i feel more alone now, than ever

.....

you've no idea what i'm going through..
so stop preaching and stop assuming you do..

i'm sick of trying to come up with words to get it across to you..
i can't even describe how i feel inside, let alone how to describe the pain..

death.. death would be better..

on a better note..
i was accepted to submit a portfolio for suicide girls..

this makes me kind of happy, but we'll see..
i'm still a little indecisive.. i think..

story.

to whom it may concern:

i remember when our conversations lasted for hours.. when there wasn't a silence that lasted more than a few moments, or atleast, just a few giggles.. the nights where we didn't want to hang up because there was simply too much more to say, or just because we wanted to listen to the others voice.. i remember the stories about our childhood, those that made us laugh and those that made us cry, because we were getting comfortable enough with one another that we were able to speak freely about it.. and vulnerable enough to trust one another with anything, including the things that made us who were are and who we're yet to become.. the truth behind the tormented youth that lead us to each other and bonded us with understanding and compassion, love and friendship.. i remember how we couldn't wait to learn more or couldn't go an hour without some sort of contact.. how we began speaking about a future, a future together and the majority of our conversations began to revolve around marriage, children, and even their future names.. i think back to the nights that we wouldn't sleep, because all we did was laugh about how neither of us knew how to approach the other with our feelings.. or how childish we could be with one another.. i remember the way you made me feel when we first started talking, how wanted and important i was to you.. how you seemed to need to remind me constantly that i was special and my smile was gold.. i reminisce about the first time i told you i loved you, how spur of the moment, yet so right it felt.. i also remember seeing your face for the first time, and knowing in that moment, i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you..

then i got scared.. i retaliated.. i hurt us both.. and i left.. with words unsaid and a life, unfinished..

then, you hurt me, a few times.. i got bitter.. and held a grudge.. i didn't want to ever trust you again..

and here we are..

conversations short.. more fighting then laughing.. no talks of future endeavors.. just.. typical, day to day banter.. i feel like i'm being slighted.. or i'm missing a very valid and important part of a relationship that once made me feel so whole..

i don't want to become the typical and normal, run of the mill couple.. i don't want distance or constant moments of silence filling the airwaves, when they're all i have, they're all i have to keep me close to you.. air..

maybe it's me.. maybe it's you.. maybe it's both of us.. but i feel like we're just existing, instead of living.. and we're not even existing together, we're coexisting 3 thousand miles apart.. and doing a shat job of it..

i love you, i love us, but i miss the old 'us'.. the love-sick, stupid us that got lost in one another..

i miss feeling completely complete.. because i miss you more than i'd miss air occupying my lungs..

blargh.

i'm sick.. lethargic would be better, but right now, we'll just say sick..
i slept about 9 hours, on and off, but still, slept.. and here i sit, as though i didn't sleep AT ALL..

my mouth is dry and my throat is all yuck and feels swollen on the inside..
i have post nasal drip and my voice sounds horrid.. (all of this i'm sure you just LOVE reading)..
my tummy is all in knots and everything i ingest, including water, makes me want to vomit..

everytime i turn around, i have a fucking cold or something..
i know because of my heart my immune system is out of wack..
but this, this is unFUCKINGreal already..

i'd so pay someone to kill me right now..

but really, i sometimes think i like living my life miserable and negative..

and off to work i go..

|danger|

-sigh-

i don't know why i do the things i do..
especially why i do them while oblivious to everything around me..
in a state of disarray and intoxicated anger..

i'm an idiot..
and i always say/do stupid things while drunk..
the fact that i do them to people whom i love, is also an atrocity..

i really feel horrid right now..
i can't even fathom words to use to describe how it is, i feel..

i just want to crawl into a corner, because i feel that low..

i don't deserve anything, nothing.

|thoughts|

sometimes..

i'm left reaching, arms outstretched..
in the background..

you're slowly fading into the horizon..
and there i am, still waiting..

still reaching..

|run|

my mascara runs when i think of you there, and i here.. alone, without you

i smile when no one is looking, because it's easier to fake it

i rather be lonely, than forgotten

the days go by, oh so slow

i find solace in silence and silence in every minute that passes

blah

my head feels like it's going to explode..
i've never had headaches this bad, unless they were migraines..
but this, this is just pain.. and throbbing.. my god, kill me..

i have to wait an hour before i take my meds again for the night..
so, i popped a darvocet and a xanax.. again, empty stomach..
heh, sometimes, i think i'm purposely trying to get myself into an early grave..

but anyway..
i'm aggravated.. not only with pain but a lot of other junk on my mind..
i'm scattered again, just when i feel myself piecing things together, they all come apart..

i wish my life were easier..
but, it's not..

i'm alone and i'm frustrated.

-sigh-

please, just let me fall
deep into the mess we created
let it swallow me whole

i don't need salvation
i just needed you to love me

i knew the possibility of the pain
the heartache that would remain
and the constant reminder that memories..
would be all that i had left

i don't need your arms around me
or a smile to make me feel less alone
i didn't need the misery of wasted months

i just needed you to love me
instead, you let me down..

*
i dont know whats wrong with me
i think i lost my talent somewhere..

|rawr|

Music Video: Cold (But I'm Still Here) (by Evans Blue)

Video provided by iVideoCode.com

...bah!

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately..
and it seems to really be eating at me..

i need to just go with the flow i guess..
but i honestly don't know how much longer i can hang in there..

|whore|

you should want me..

like everyone else wants me..

shy

pleh.