..

i feel like i'm hanging on, and you're just merely tugging some strings..

i can't do this alone..

!@#!@#

sometimes.. i wonder why i continue to have the same fight with you..
its futile to continue this, especially when you know how it always ends..
the outcome is always the same.. yet, you always have to try to get the last word..

1. it's not my fault
2. i refuse to feel to blame any longer
3. i'm done being afraid of you or your words
4. i'm better than you, always have been, i just failed to see it
5. i will not take you back, again, ever, or in a constant state of delirium
6. your lies were enough to drive me so far away, i'm actually lost
7. fuck off and have a nice day

|vulnerability|

i want him to touch me, unlike anyone ever has..

all of me, for all of him, always..

|memories|

i daydream about our last day together..
when we were in SLC, standing there freezing, my hands in your pockets, my head on your chest, your arms wrapped around me and your chin resting on my head..
everything stood still.. and i never felt more secure.. more loved and taken care of.. and when i looked up at you, your smile assured me, every moment mattered..

i want to disappear and go back to when your touch wasn't a memory, but an everyday occurence..

i love you, Jaxson..
i can't wait to tell you, repeatedly, for the rest of our lives..

|until the day i die|

The more I think about it, the more I want this back:

It can't come soon enough..
I can't breathe without you.

|disconnect|

sometimes, you're searching for the words, to make yourself feel less alone..
and sometimes, you're struggling to not speak at all..
sometimes, you're fighting to find yourself, and willing to dig as deep as needed..
and sometimes, you're content in knowing you're just a shell of a has been..

i have no strength to continue to fight..

|sinking|

everything is dark.. that's about the only way I can describe things lately..
i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to eat, i cant tolerate people..
i write, because its all i have to depict what i'm feeling..
i'm sinking again and i fear the outcome this time.

my body aches with each motion and my lips hurt with each word muttered.
its like i cannot function, or i just chose not to, i havent figured out which yet.

i feel worthless and flawed, ugly and just unneeded and unwanted.
i'm a failure to everyone and a disappointment to the rest.

i think things that lack proper judgment, and do things that i shouldnt..
certain objects spark memories of an old me, the old me that was buried long ago..

i'm nothing. i'm lost.

|sugar|

...place your hand on my heart

so you can feel how it dances to your touch..

words mean little, if your love doesnt back them..

|decisions|

I'm sacrificing myself, and putting my heart back on the line.
I'm going against the advice of others, because I never was one to follow the rules.
I'm taking a risk, because you're assuring me things will change.

All I ever wanted was your love, pure and justified.
I wanted a part of you that NO ONE has ever had or will have.
I want to believe that you're devoted to making us work.
And yes, I do mean 'us'. No more games or tip toeing around.

I want commitment and stability, trust and security.
I want your heart in this, just as mine has been.

IF you can prove to me that you're finally willing to leap.
You'll have me heart and soul, always.

|all thats left|

is music.. and lyrics that remind me I can still feel..
even if all I feel is hurt.



You Were The One

it's friday night and i can just talk for hours and hours
'till I wake up and wonder where the time went
when you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
i loved

now lock your doors and chain up all of your mixed emotions
'cause they will come and get you just when you don't
'cause you were the one I loved
you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved

now you just look around and wonder why you've wondered
so long, so hard and you're still wrong
i'd have taken you back
i'd have taken you back
when you were the one I loved

so we've been through the motions and suffer these delusions
but i'll dream away my sorrows on through the night
'cause you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved you were the one i loved
you were the one i loved
i loved

|mime|

I've come to the conclusion that feeling like nothing and/or empty, would still be better than how I feel right now at this point in time.

I walk the house as a shell of someone who was once happy, only a matter of days ago. Someone who thought the world revolved around her and the love she found. Now, there is nothing. Nothing left.

It's cold.

|deluded|

Well, here I sit, cigarette in hand, still thinking, still stirring, still at odds as to what to do, which direction to go in and what decision to make. I'm sloth like, thanks to the handful of xanax I ingested and the few shots of vodka to chase them down. I woke up, phone in hand and yet, still in some weird comatose haze. I want to believe that this never happend. That my life, is still normal, atleast to what my idea of normal is. I can't seem to function anymore. No matter what I try to do, I end up sulking back into bed and just fighting to breathe and hold back the tears. I honestly thought I reached the point last night, that I just couldnt cry anymore, I was wrong, so wrong.

I think what bothers me the most is that, all these years I've been so cynical of the word "love". It's so overused and tossed around that it lost all meaning and value. Now, yes, I do love a select few of my friends, and even one or two of the exes, but of those exes, they were friends far before anything ever remotely evolved. So my friendship always outweighed the falling out we may have had and is still valued. Truth be told, I never completely ever lost myself in someone before, and I never 'fell' IN love with them, to the point where the whole phrase meant as much as it has lately to me. I've racked my brain over and over again, comparing the scenerios and the feelings. I've disected and rationalized every ounce of emotion that has coursed through me within the past few years. Nothing, nothing has come close to how I felt with him. None of the "I love you's" from before, ever amounted to those which I expressed to him.

So here is where the problem lies:

If I ever wrestled with any thought or contemplation of feelings for anyone else, I would HAVE NEVER told you I loved you. I would not have done that to you. This is why its so hard for me to come to terms with all of this. You tell me you came to realize that your feelings for me were stronger than those you had for her, but all along, you were still holding on to what exactly it was that you were feeling for her to begin with. What if you came to see that she is what you wanted? Where would that have left me? Point in case.

I'm heartbroken either way. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with her. The fact is, you have one. And at one point in time, it was far more personal and in depth then it is now and it COULD happen again. If she was any type of friend, she'd have been happy for you, happy for us. Not expressing how jealous she was, or how she felt. But, then again, she wasnt the only one with those mixed emotions. I can't accept this. I can't grasp onto the concept of being with you and still knowing you love her. I feel betrayed. I feel unwanted. And most of all, I feel unloved.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I can't fucking eat, I can't nearly breathe. The only way I can sleep is when I drug myself beyond belief and pass out. The sad thing is, I wish with every swallow that it'll be the last time I open my eyes.

|the burn|

I need to write because I've no idea what to do with myself. My family is all downstairs, the kids, the parents, anyone who should mean everything to me, and I can't even enjoy it. All I can do is sulk and get asked, what's wrong.? How do I answer?

"I'm sorry, the man I thought loved me just broke my heart, on my own accord, because I knew all along he was actually loving someone else"

Does that work? No. Of course not. Because then I get the glares and the I'm sorry's and the what the hell happends? Then its back to crying and falling to pieces, when I need to move on and be strong. But, I'm not strong, I'm weak. I keep hearing the words he typed to her in my head and with each one it's just another blow to my pride, my soul and what's seemingly left of my heart.

I'm empty right now. So empty that the thought of being able to fix it only creates more of a void. I could go and be with anyone, but what does that solve or fix? Nothing. I never wanted anyone else, I was never torn between two, or four. I always knew who I wanted to be with and never questioned where I stand with another. So excuse me for not understanding how this could all happen or how it works.

I dont understand how you could progress with me, when you were torn up about feelings with her. Was I just a filler? Someone to take your mind off the mess that you both created? It's not my fault you're both fucking imbeciles who can't discuss how you feel. So here I am, 100% in love and so fucking scared of losing myself in someone, and I get fucking torn apart, becuase for the love of fuck you both decide to finally talk about your emotions.

I'm a fucking dolt for thinking I could lower a wall and not get hurt.

And now back to the angry state. Xanax and Vodka never tasted so good.

|mc|

Merry fucking Christmas.


Ps.,

Eric,
Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thank you, thank you for being good at picking up pieces.
Even if it takes a 9 hour phonecall, a lot of venting, and a few neverminds.
Among the dysfunction and tears, you made me smile.
I love you.
/fin


I'm hurting, I don't even think I could honestly begin to explain how it is I feel. There are no words for the pain that is radiating through my chest and running amuck in my head. I've yet to sleep. I can't even fathom eating anything, and my family will be arriving shortly. I want to take anything I can to forget you. I want you gone. If I could rip you from my heart and memories, I would do so in an instant. I never wanted to be numb so badly in my life. I'm angry, I'm shocked, I'm fucking annoyed. I hate that I allowed you to manipulate me into believing you loved me. If and when you love someone, you don't lie to them. YOU don't hurt them as much as you've done to me. YOU try anything in your power to salvage what you have. All you wanted was everything, and now, I don't feel that your 'everything' included me. How could it have? When you openly admit to someone that you'd have felt the same way as they did? Oh, but I forgot, we were just 'friends'. So really, I've nothing to be upset about, I'm use to losing 'friends'. So now you've all the time in the world to go be with your other 'friend'. You both deserve one another. So keep telling me I don't have any idea as to what relationship you both have. It was made clear to me in a matter of moments. I'm not a moron.

You were the death of me. I hope you're happy.

|lies|

I dug my grave, so I shall lay in it. I'm well aware of the consequences. I chose the path, I traveled, I made the mistake.

In my heart, I always knew. I knew there was more than you led on, more than you promised, more than I was willing to let myself believe. I was blinded by the love I had for you and the late night talks of a future and children, how you told me that you could see it all with me. If only I knew then, you were laying out the same scheme with someone else, or atleast envisioning it.

I wanted to trust in your words, and believe the "we're just friends" speech. I wanted to let go of all my distrust and move forward, only ever lowering my wall for you. I wanted the future, the dream, the forever. But, you want your cake and to eat it too.

I know what I did was wrong. I know and I'm not proud. I hate myself for being that weak. But, you know what? I was right ALL along. I had reason to doubt, EVEN when you assured me I shouldnt, I know now, I was right too. You cant tell me anything that would make this less painful, that would make me believe you when you say you love me.

I'll never believe another word you speak. You can have her. Go.

I fucking hope she's everything you've ever wanted. I know I'm not.

|sadness|

Words ring truer and truer every day..
You're letting go and I'm merely hanging on..

|shew|

He called to tell me I'm beautiful and that he was thinking of me..
Then, he sent me an email to remind me that I'm one of a kind..

If only he knew..

|him|

i've come to realize that there is no time for me..

somehow, i'm alright with that..

thanks, Kyle. <3

|shoot|

i figured i'd make it easy for you..

so i drew the bullseye on my chest..

and i even loaded the gun..

i hate you.

|harsh|

I've never felt so unwanted or unneeded in my life.
I never thought I'd feel so slighted, either.

I know he's upset and angry, annoyed and frustrated.
I also know he needs his space, as do I, and even yes, especially now.
But, you do not just CUT me the fuck out completely.

How are we supposed to have a future or a relationship of any kind, when you can't include me in this? We'd not last a week.

I can't do this, because the silence and the shutting me out is literally breaking my heart.

!@#!@#

i've come to the conclusion that people seem to flock to me.. men in general, and then try to persuade me into feeling awkward so they can take advantage of the moment..

i.e., phone fun, or trying to convince me into taking provocative pictures, just for them, because they're special and deserve them..

why am i subjected to this? do i have "easy prey" tattooed on my forehead? because if they truly knew me at all, they'd know i don't fall victim to stupid pick up lines, whining, or persuasion.

gah. grow the fuck up.

|hrmph|

I'm sick, really sick. It's starting all over again.

First the sleepless nights, the restless and irritable days, then the tense, sheer pain in my chest.
Next it'll be continuous visits to the cardiologist, numerous tests and a holter monitor for 48 hours.
I hate having heart problems, especially one they can't control. So, why they bother is beyond me.
I think they just like making me stress more by constantly having me awaiting results, even when I'm not supposed to be stressing, dolts.

I just want to curl up and die.
No one can possibly understand how wonderful that would be.
No more DR's, no more pain, no more tests or worried frenzies about job issues.
Just peace and serenity.

Again, someone apparently hates me, because I'm fated to just deal with the pain and be miserable. Bleh.

|solemn|

I'm highly upset and downright pissed off and hurt.

YOU make an ATTEMPT/EFFORT to call me more? And that is supposed to make me feel better? And feel worth it? You know what that statement made me feel? Like I'm being appeased because I once upon a time stated that I felt like you were avoiding me and didnt want to talk to me. So now, NOW you have to make an effort and attempt to call more. NOT because you miss me, or YOU WANT TO, but because, simply, you feel the 'need' to. FUCK YOU.

Maybe when you figure out what it is I want or need, or what it is you want or need, and can apply both of those to what it is WE need, then you'll figure out why I feel the way I do.

I can't even end our relationship, because quite simply, we don't have one.

You made that clear on several occasions,. and you were right.

I'm done running into that wall you've erected, only causing me to build mine back up. I'm done feeling like I need to constantly drop hints for more affection and attention, and only then, will you appease me by doing so, like it's a chore. I'm done feeling guilty for the actions of others that cause you to be jealous. I'm done.

|crass|

I'm having an utterly bad day, to say the least. I'm in a lot of pain today. I'm still recooping, and I'm feeling overly anxious, sore and just exhausted. I haven't really slept in the past 3 days. All thanks to this marvelous surgery that I had and the stress from thinking about it, worrying, and now anticipating the results. As if this wasnt enough to weigh me down, I get a call from my DR today, telling me that I need to cease all alcohol consumption, reevaluate my prescriptions and have reoccuring bloodwork for the next year, all due to my liver enzymes being fucked up and my bloodwork being less than desirable. So now, more to worry about.

Then, I spend my day feeling ignored, but hey, nothing to worry about, I'm sure it's just me. So I set out to try and function normally. I thought by going out for lunch and shopping a little, I'd be less privvy to worry about everything, not so much. I still worried and I in turn, wore myself completely out and created more pain then necessary. Yay me.

Then, I come home to wrap some of the Xmas gifts I purchased and relax, only to find out that we're having company over and family time, (note my enthusiasm). So, I cease all holiday activities and spend my night playing cards, cuddling my niece (the highlight), and playing mediator for my father and brother-in-law. During which time, I picked Kiyah up and felt something pop in my abdomen, so now, I'm suffering a tad bit more. Then I recall the whole "no lifting anything over 10lbs for the next week". Lovely. Since she's a chunky butt little monster, and really, no one can resist cuddling her and just eating her up.

After everything is said and done, I now have to put up with the attitude from the "so-called", hell, I dont know what to call him, because we have no titles or labels, but anyway, yes, him. Because apparently, I'm a pessimistic girl, and I bring him 'down'. I'm so fucking sorry I'm not some big fucking ray of sunshine all the fucking time. I just had surgery, I can barely fucking walk, and I'm miserable. Shoot me.

I'm tired of feeling less than adequate, not quite good enough and the reason for all his moods. I'm not going to feel bad for his snide little remarks that he likes to slide in either. Yes, there are a million other people who fucking care about me, and a few men who would love nothing more than to be the main man in my life, but apparently, the fact that I chose YOU, means nothing. So you can just continue to throw that in, in attempt to make me feel guilty. But, I don't.

I'm not going to continue to sit by and fail you, either. Afterall, that is what you insinuate when you constantly attack my doubt and negativity. But, you forget, I'VE done nothing wrong. I NEVER have given you reason to distrust me or to doubt me. NEVER. I might have made the mistake of not telling you how I've felt once or twice, and I might have walked away from you when I should have spoken my mind, but my emotions are chaotic and sometimes lack the sense of coming together when needed. But, I'd never do anything to make you doubt how it is I feel.

I'm torn right now. And now, yes now, I need time. Because I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punished for the actions of others. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the cause.

I didnt need this, not now.

mhm

Something
Something you hate about the person you love:	Stubborness.
Something you wish your mother or father had warned you about:	Love isn't guaranteed.
Something that's holding you back from achieving your dreams:	Money.
Something you think you could win an award for:	Writing.
Something you fear more than anything:	Dying alone.
Something you wish people would understand:	My sense of humor.
Something that keeps you going everyday:	My past.
Something amazing that happened last summer:	Oc, Md.
Something you hate that people say:	"my bad"
Something you refuse to pay money for:	Sex.
Something you wish you could have told that person that you never saw again:	I love you.
Something that really stands out about last year:	My car accident.
Something you like that everyone else thinks is weird:	Sushi.
Something that makes you laugh every time it happens:	When someone falls.
Something that makes the problems in your life not seem so bad:	His voice.
Something you listen to when you're in a really good mood:	The Toadies.
Something you do when you're trying to calm down:	Drive/Write.
Something you do when you wake up at three AM:	Make tea.
Something you love doing on cold rainy days:	Snuggling.
Something you absolutely love about that Certain Person:	His smile.
Something amazing that's happened this year:	My Utah vacation.
Something that you always run into/trip over:	The garbage can.
Something that irritates you more than anything:	Slow drivers.
Something you're addicted to/can't stop doing:	Applying chapstick.
Something you had to give up but didn't want to:	My old job.
Something that really stands out about you:	My eyes.
Something about you that's like everyone else:	Nothing.
Something that really stands out about that Certain Person:	His eyes.
Something that you say a lot that others have picked up on:	Hmph!
Something that makes you change the channel:	Infomercials.
Something that really turns you on:	Kissing.
Something that really turns you off:	Sloppy kissing.
Something you wish you could change about your life:	The last 6 years.
Something you think about every night before you go to sleep:	If I'll wake up?
Something that you don't think will ever change about you:	My cynicism.
Something about you that you think will soon change:	My fear.
Something that broke your heart as a child:	My mother's ex.
Something that really sparks your interest:	Poetry/Art.
Something that truly disgusts you:	Child abusers.
Something the opposite gender has complimented you on:	My eyes.
Something you wish that Certain Person would see in you:	My trust.
Take this survey / PimpSurveys.com

..?

i'm confused.

i'm worried.

i feel like i'm crumbling again.

grr

why does he get to me?! why?!
i just dont understand.. i don't fucking get it..

argh.

|fuck|

i started out having such a good fucking day..

then i go shopping, Xmas shopping, hoping it'll set my Christmas mood afloat.. hah.

i get overly aggravated with the overeager shoppers who can't control their carts, let alone their cars or children.. then there is the constant Lay-Away announcements, because everyone and their fucking mother has a lay-away, apparently.. and is waiting in excess of an hour or more for them to find it, so they're announcing names every 5 fucking minutes for these people to produce themselves at the back of the store for their boxes.. lovely.. as the line for lay-away is now about 5 city blocks long and going through one of the aisles i need to fucking shop in.. i hate you, all of you Walmart shoppers.. and all of you fucking lay-away people who are taking up my fucking aisle.. damn you all too hell..

i won't even begin to describe the parking lot fiasco and the fact i had to park in the lawn and garden center area.. that closes at fucking 10pm, so i had to leave thru the supermarket area and walk clear across the parking lot, due south..

then i come home, to do my banking.. and i realize.. Christmas cost far more this year, than last..

and now, now i'm depressed and broke and moody..

i need to go back to work.. even if it kills me.. i dont care if I have to write the cardiologist report myself..
i'm going fucking back..

they want me out for a week after the surgery, but fuck it, who needs recovery time? i've done far worse to my body before.. besides, if my heart cant take it, its an easy way out.. heh

blah.

[boredom]

The Basics
Full Name	Jennafer Lynn (Insert last name here for stalking rights)
You like it?	Not so much
Birthdate	11.24.1977
Height/Weight	5'3 and a 1/3 apparently, I weight more than you, maybe
Eye Color	Blue/Green/Grey depending on what mood I'm in
Hair Color	Brown
Can you...
Drive?	Yes, can you?
Drive a manual?	No.
Touch your nose with your tongue?	Yes!
Cook?	Of course, I'm female.
Dance?	Like a rockstar
Sing?	I couldnt carry a tune if I were Jesus and it were a cross.
Sew?	Buttons.
Speak another language?	Si, senor.
Have you ever...
Eaten sushi?	I love the sushi.
Been in love?	I am IN love, I think.
Skipped school?	Several years worth.
Made prank calls?	When I was 12
Done illegal drugs?	Too many to count, you think I'm this fucked up naturally?
Stolen something worth more than ?	I steal hearts, then break them.
Flashed someone?	hahah! Britt, answer this for me!
Been drunk?	Highly intoxicated, yes.
Eaten squid?	I love calamari.
Been to New York City?	Yes.
Been to London?	No.
Favorite
Drink	Alcoholic-Cosmopolitan : Non Alcoholic-Water
Soda	Diet Cherry Coke
Food	Chinese/Italian
Restaurant	Paquale's
Color	Grey
Artist	As in Painting, or as in Music?
Album	The Wall.
Website	http://www.cybersocieties.com
The Last
Person to hit you	My father
Person you wanted to hit	My Ex.
Person you hugged	Stephanie
Person you kissed	Stephanie
Person you wanted to kiss you	Jaxson.
Country you've been in	I live in the USA, so I'm IN this country daily, but the last country I visited was Canada
Car you've driven	2005 Chevy Colorado
Law you've broken	I break a few daily.
Thing you ate	Sammich
Thing you drank	Water
Thing you said	I love you.
Book you read	The Da Vinci Code, again.
Show you watched	Law & Order, CI.
Take this survey / PimpSurveys.com

|melodrama|

its one of those days..
i feel utterly distant and alone..

it always seems to come in spurts..
one day good, next day, not so much..

i hate distance, i hate knowing he's too far away to touch..

as each day goes by, it gets harder to deal with..
its like an anchor that is just slowly dragging me to the bottom..

i wish i had the words at the time that i needed them..
to assure him that i need him more than i've ever needed anyone..

i wanted to look in his eyes and just stress how much i loved him..
and that all the time in the world, could never change that..
but i couldnt convey it, and i failed him and myself..
by walking away in silence, with nothing but regret and tears..

i hate waking up without him..
those 6 days spoiled me, and made me realize it's where i want to be..
in his arms.. for as long as he'll let me..

i'm going to return to being emo and crawl back into bed..
its about the only place that seems 'home', lately..