|pssssha|

i was thinking...
they say:

life is a play and all the world a stage

well, if that's the case

i must have missed my part and forgot my lines

i want another role

-J-

randomness:

i hate 99.9% of the human population, equally & unconditionally, i do not believe in favortism.

i love rain, i want to be kissed in the rain, like its the last kiss on earth.

i like being spoiled and reassured, even if i don't act like it, i still do.

i bite my bottom lip, alot.. especially if i'm nervous or frustrated.

i have a few, ok several, OCD's, mainly with dishes being in the sink and socks laying on/over the floor, but again, that's just 2 of several.

i have insomnia and it's sometimes severe, unless someone is sleeping next to me, then i can sleep for days.

i am addicted to chapstick and lipgloss, they're my best friends.

i love cuddling, i'm a cuddle whore.

clowns, spiders, the Halloween movie theme music & Michael Myers, thunder and mosquito's are all the spawns of satan and could possibly send me into cardiac arrest.

i love poetry, any and/or all.. except for my own, then i'm my own worst critic.

i touch people more so with my words, then my own two hands.

i do not trust anyone, ever..

i've only been in love once.. and highly doubt i ever will be again, because i don't want to be. Y

slow driver's in the passing lane, people who chew with their mouth open, gum smackers, egotistical bastards, people who judge others before even speaking to them, dumb fucking racists, abercrombie clad whores, liars, cheaters, back stabbing so-called friends, and my parents should all be strung up, upside down while being bludgeoned to death with steel baseball bats.

i hate myself more than i hate anyone else, ok, that's a lie, i hate my exhusband more.. but i'm second on the list.

i love sarcasm, it's swoon worthy.

i still wish on stars, every night, because i do believe someday, the one i wish on won't burn out.

i'm a little girl who still wants her prince to come and rescue her.

i want someone to want me for who i am, not what i am, what i look like or who they want me to eventually be.

|fo'sho|

i think my NYs resolution this year will be: to finally be "happy&content".

i cant wait to see how well this works out.. heh.

|truth|

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking.. she wants you to hold her hand.

When she wants a hug.. she will just stand there.

When you break a girls heart.. she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later.

When a girl is quiet.. millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing.. she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions.. she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine", after afew seconds.. she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you.. she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest.. she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you.. she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup, she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever.

|so0kie|

i feel so weak today.

i had the DR's at 930am, they did the CTscan and took about 9 tubes of blood, literally.
it got to the point where i nearly passed out and was clotting while they were still in my vein, so they had to repoke me twice.. bleh.

they said i should have the results of the blood scan by next Tuesday.
thats great, just in time for my surgery.. heh.

i feel like everything has been taken from me.. and i've just nothing left to give..

Davids advice worked, i didnt realize they were even drawing so much blood until they had to repoke me, then it all went to shit.. !@#!@#!@#

i hate being scared of whats to come, i hate knowing that there has to be something wrong, especially for me to be sick all the time and so exhausted and weak..

i hate fearing the future when i cant even live for today..

i feel so alone.

now i'm going back to being miserable and sore and doing my laundry..

|whatever|

empty

thats how i feel, actually thats how you have me feeling..

its like you dont want to talk to me or talk this out..
i can't very well overcome anything if you're not willing to be my sounding board..
you're supposed to be reassuring me that everything will be fine..
that everything WILL and CAN get back to normal, within time..
that YOU'RE not going anywhere and you do want to be with me..
YOU'RE supposed to be comforting me and allowing me to vent..

but where are you?..

thats right, gone.

Ybroken

|epiphany|

"I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long."

i'm not going to bend anymore..

i'm not going to break myself into pieces, looking for answers..

i'm not going to do anything..

i'm going to stand here and hope you know what you want..

|kgo|

you said its worth risking it all..

so,..
you broke this, now you fix it..

i'm willing to work with you..
so stop being afraid of the outcome..

|greed|

i hate how you make me cry, how you make me pout, how you make everything seem so frugal..
i hate how you took everything i ever wanted and in a moment, crushed it all..

i hate so much, but love tenfold, i wish i could hate you, but i cant..

i wish i could tell you to fuck off, to just fucking leave me alone..

i wish for a lot, but come up empty handed each time..

i wish i knew what i wanted..

|self-depreciation|

i'm so fucking heartbroken that there are no words.. literally, none..
i always have words, always.. especially to depict how hurt i am..

i woke up today, empty.. lonely and just cold inside..
even meeting up with friends didnt seem to put me in a good mood..

i couldnt eat my meal, i couldnt talk much without wanting to break into tears, i couldnt hold a conversation about their happiness, because i'm not happy, however i could smile for their good news, but it was fake and distant, nothing seemed right..

i hate not feeling like myself, and i hate knowing that for this to end, i need to overcome a lot..

i know i said previously that i wasnt sure if i were strong enough, and i thought for once, i was..
i spent the last week faking through every conversation, smiling, laughing..
figuring that i could make myself believe it was all ok and i could forget it..

you made me hurt and cry, you made me doubt myself and feel betrayed, you made me compare you to everyone else that has come and gone, YOU.. all you..

all you can say is youre sorry, but your apology doesnt mean shit to me, because you still allowed it to happen.. you still hurt me.. and now, now i need to rebuild everything from scratch..

tell me, is it worth it? is it worth putting my heart back into the line of fire, for you to possibly stab it a few more times?

maybe you want me to walk away, maybe it would be more beneficial to you, because i thought when you loved someone you did everything imaginable to keep them, to make them happy and to love them.. not let them down and break them apart.. or maybe, just maybe, i was right.. i deserve it.. all of it..

i lied to myself and to everyone else.. because i'm not ok..

i'm not FUCKING alright..

!@#!@#!@#!

bad mood.. VERY fucking bad mood..

i cant fucking sleep and my head, chaotic..

i think everything is starting to hit me and i'm done pretending that i'm ok..

i'm not ok, and i'm not going to fake my way through it anymore..

i dont know how to deal with it, and i think it's just all finally smothering me..
i've hit the breaking point and all i can think of doing is screaming at the top of my lungs..

i thought if i just kept smiling and pretending i was ok, everything would subside, but it hasnt and i dont think its going to..

this is where i run, this is where i turn my back on everything and just walk..

i didnt want this to happen, i tried to not let it make me want to push,.. but now, all i can think of doing is burying myself, far away from anything remotely resembling you, or us..

i've no words..

|imu|

you'll never know or understand just how much you mean to me, or just how often you're in my thoughts.

|pfft|

my mood is fluctuating like mad..

i wish i could get it under control..

bah!

.fu.

i got flowers.. "secret admirer".. for my bday..

i know who they're from..

heh..

i hate you, kthx.

|bd|

the inevitable day is here.. offically.. blah

i'm old and i hate it, i hate thinking that in one year from today, i'll be 30..

and i'm still as fucked up, confused, shattered and tainted as i ever was..

i have promised myself that i'd be working on things, so i can move forward in my life..

i just wish i knew where to start..

i wish life came with an instruction manual and a diagram of everything.. it would make it all so much easier, especially for me, since i'm all about the technicalities..

nothing seems to ever want to work to my advantage and when it does, it usually backfires eventually, because no one really wants to deal with me.. i don't blame them, i dont even want to deal with myself half the time.. and no one is going to be willing to wait around for me to improve myself.. its going to take a few years, it's not like i can be perfect overnight..

i'm a mess and this day makes it worse..

i wish my lonliness and negativity would just consume me completely already and i could just finally end it all with one lovely comatose slumber..

[dead bird day]

Holidays suck.

Especially when you miss people who cannot be with you for them.

I miss waking up to my gramma's hustle and bustle in the kitchen, swearing at the stove and the fact that nothing is going quite "right".. I miss being able to walk down the steps to the coffee that is constantly brewing fresh and her kiss on my forehead, assuring me that everything is fine.. But, most of all, I miss her hugs and her smile, and I miss the feeling that no matter what happend, I still had her.

When I was little, I was convinced she would live forever, I was even sure she'd outlive me. I miss those days of innocence, before knowing what trials and tribulations life could bring your way. Before having to live through taking care of her, just as she did, for me. Cancer hospitals, Chemo, Hospice, Surgeries, more Chemo. I'd endure it all over again just to hold her hand and kiss her cheek one more time. Just so she could smile, knowing I loved her as unconditionally as she loved me. How many nights I wanted to take her place. How I wished it could have been me, for someone as saintly and giving as she, should not have to endure such a horrid, drawn out death.

I also have come to realize that being away from someone is hard enough, but holidays make it worse. I love you, Jaxson. And I miss you horribly.

|randomness|

i'm having a so/so day today, but whenever i get tattooed, i zone and just relax..
i like when i have days like this, it seems like nothing can get to me or bring me down..
even if i have chaotic thoughts, they stay at bay and give me some quality happy time..

i still hate loving him, only because his love consumes me, no matter what state or frame of mind i'm in..
but, the thoughts still linger of how he hurt me, and i dont want to be constantly reminded of it..

i know he's sorry and i accept that, it's the "trying not to think of it" that still gets to me..
and the "i hope" we get back to normal and can make it through all this, that burdens me..

i think we can.. actually, i'm pretty fucking sure we can, but it still remains "if i want to"..

i constantly contemplate the scenerio as a whole and wonder if it will ever happen again? i mean, i know we're human and we all make mistakes and at times, we hurt those we love, even if we don't mean too.. but, this.. this stung right where it kills.. and although i know it was unintentional, (atleast i'm hoping and believing it was).. it still occurred and it still bothers me..

he preaches one day at a time, and so, i move forward each day.. because he is worth it, i think WE'RE worth it, as long as he continues to prove himself to me.. and make me believe that we are worth it in his eyes..

whew! so many thoughts to ponder..

oh and i feel old.

|hrm|

i've no idea what has me depressed so badly, i mean, i've a lot of ideas.. but..
i've no solutions to any of the problems..

i cant turn back time, so i'd not be able to postpone my birthday..
i cant fast forward, to absolve the pain and hurt i feel from being subjected to his mistake..
and i definitely cant take back all the years that i repressed the memories of my childhood, as to not have to constantly think about them now, and have them hinder who i am or who i'm becoming..

i just don't how to breathe anymore, i don't know how to forge through and come out on top..

i'm taking one day at a time but, it's not helping.. i'm impatient..

i want everything to be ok and alright, RIGHT fucking now..

i could literally rip the hair from my skull with how frustrated i am..

it HAS to be ok, i dont know what i'd honestly do to myself if it werent..

|incoherent|

i cried all night, literally..

i've no idea whats wrong with me..

this mood, this mood scares me, because i'm thinking things..

things i've not thought about in an awfully long time..

things that people don't normally think about..

life would be so much easier with me gone..

|restless|

i'm just not feeling it anymore..

:(

|patience|

i need something..

i've just yet to figure out what that something is..

i cried again.. im always crying..

i cant listen to certain songs..

i cant even think about certain things..

this is so hard..

|unattainable|

.

i keep telling myself that i can do this.. nothing is more important than solving this.. nothing.

i bite my lip, grind my teeth, choke on every breath and force a smile.. because thats what i need to do..
i need to know i can focus on the future and the solution.. not just the pain and the past..

i've never been a strong individual to begin with,..

this, this is a true test of strength..

|pieces|

shattered and shifted, I break away the parts of me that are left attached to you..
I try to find the best way to detach my heart from your hands, but fail with each attempt..
you hurt me and with each word, pushed the knife deeper into the wound..
I don’t know how to mend whats been done, or whether I wish to..
but with each moment that passes, I cant shake you from my thoughts..
I am still left with tremdous doubt and the agony of what was done..
I am forever inflicted with the distrust of it all and the constant fear of its reoccurence..
devastated and devoured by my own repetitive synopsis of it, I cower and crumble..
your arms were once my salvation, now they’re nothing more than a retreat..
I could loathe you from my very core and hate you with a passion..
but the love I held for you, from day one until today, will still prevail..
I just hope its enough to save us

|discontent|

everything i've ever believed in, has died.

[sore]

i dont understand, none of it.. i dont know what i did to deserve this..

i tried to be good enough for you, i tried to work past everything to be stable enough for us..

i guess i just didnt work hard enough..

i was right, everyone i love either hurts me or leaves..
so what led me to believe you were different, or we'd survive..?

maybe this is the only road i'm meant to travel..

i dont want to breathe anymore.

[pitiful]

i cant sleep.. i spent the majority of the night racking my brain and looking for answers..

everytime i attempted to doze off, i'd get about 15-20 minutes of shat sleep and pull one of those jump manuevers like i was falling off a cliff.. it wasnt fun and it happend about 7 times throughout the night..

so i decided at about 7am to get up, start laundry and clean.. after avoiding his text and phonecall, i proceeded downstairs to do the dishes, clean the kitchen and start roasting a turkey..

why, you ask? because all i can do to stop thinking about this fucking mess and him is to keep busy.. so why not have a pre-thanksgiving dinner? heh

i'm still mad, i'm still fucking hurt and upset.. i dont know what to say, what to do, what to think..
i dont want to hear his voice or his explanation, i just want to be mad for a while..

my heart is pounding and i feel like i cant breathe, i doubled my heart meds today and had to take some fucking xanax for the first time in about 5 months.. stress is a bitch..

i just never saw this coming.. i now know the true meaning of being blindsided..

and i'm still bothered that all this came from some sort of chain 'net fucking reaction from people i dont even fucking talk to, let alone KNOW..

tricia, melissa, kel.. thanks for everything.. honestly.. i never knew ya'll cared SO much.. heh

/end rant.

|FUCK you|

i'm fucking hurt..

i'm fucking upset..

i'm fucking pissed off..

i'm fucking seething..

i'm fucking livid..

i'm fucking heartbroken..

i'm just ..

FOR FUCKS SAKE.. I don't FUCKING know anything.. not anymore..

the pain, the fucking pain.. thats all i know..

YOU make me cut pieces away.

there should be no room for excuses or explanations..
NONE..

i'm done, i'm not a gullible little girl.. i'm a fucking woman, with a heart, who was putting her best foot forward and everything on the line..

you should have known the possibility could have arose and chose to inform me.. but yet, you didnt..
so now what makes you believe that i'm going to suck it all up and believe you now..
NOW that you've been caught..

you tell me i'm jumping to conclusions, and that you're pissed off..

I'M THE ONE ON THE FUCKING RECEIVING END OF THIS..

but, i suppose that matters not..

i fucking hate you right now..

|swallow it down|

i dont know how to even begin to explain how i am these days.. it's rather hard to face up to emotions that are so new and different that you don't even want to think about them let alone have to describe them to someone..

i've become this jealous woman, this constantly thinking, constantly wondering, analytical woman..

i've NEVER been jealous in my life, never.. i havent envied anyone or what they've had, i've never wanted what someone else had, i've never been jealous of any other woman that had come into a significant other's life in previous relationships, nothing.. this is all new to me, all of it..

i don't quite know when it happend.. perhaps after numerous failed relationships and one devastating and destructive marriage/divorce, being used and abused, cheated on twice, and drained of all self worth.. something inside of me snapped.. something made me this way.. it took all of my pride, vanity and independence and turned it into doubt, distrust and insecurity..

i went from KNOWING i had someone and priding myself on that fact, to being in a constant state of fear of losing someone.. it's rather insane..

i cant just come to you with this because i'm ashamed of how i am.. how i feel.. and how i behave and act when i get like this.. and then you seem to just get more angry and that in turn makes me turn away even more..

i cant help being hurt and being angry, and i cannot help how my mind goes into hyperdrive with thoughts of your past, present and what could happen in the future.. all i can do is WORK on it and try to repair the damage that has occured from every other man that has tainted, jaded, destroyed, lied and broken me down..

this is not an easy task..

i havent lied to you, i do want to progress, but i want to know you want it too, i want to know i'm the only one that see's certain sides of you, that gets treated a certain way, and that holds your heart.. i want to trust in the fact that you're not talking to other people the way you talk to me.. i want to believe everything you say to me without ever needing to question one word..

maybe there is no hope, maybe i'm so self-destructive that i cant fix whats been done..

maybe i'll continue to push until you're completely gone and i'm falling over the edge..

i feel so empty right now..

|disappointment|

i'm slightly bothered by a conversation held earlier tonight.. and though i should know better then to probe or lead myself into it further, no, i digress, i am an idiot.. i keep going and then when i decide i want no further information, it's offered anyway and my mind runs with it..

even if said stated information should not bother me.. it does.. i'm a woman, i read into things, i analyze them and then i use them to feed the already massive amount of insecurity that i have..

i really need to reevaluate the way i think.. and how to utilize the information that i have.. instead of letting it destroy me..

or by assuming that said stated behaviour is possibly continuing, and then really, who am i to care? i walked away, i've no ties or rights or reasons to be upset.. do i? bah.

i'm thinking too much again..

|vulnerable|

everything i am, flawed and imperfect.. all for you, if you want it.

|score|

i think i am finally starting to piece together everything.

i am on the verge of figuring out what it is that i want, i know it.. finally.

i think i am headed in the right direction and i can see who's at the finish line waiting for me.

....

i'm not perfect, i'll never be perfect, i could never strive to be perfect..

i hurt myself again, because its easier to deal with the physical pain, rather than the emotional pain of everything slowly crumbling before me..

i dont know why i dig myself deeper and deeper into this mess that i call life..

the only positive i have it getting through the next few months until you're here..
i hope i can continue holding on until then..

i love you.

|dead|

i find it easier to make little reminders of things that occur, that i cant stop..

one of them being the heart of yours i broke, all while mine was breaking with it..

you fail to see that i'm doing this for you.. not to hurt you, not to break your heart again, not to cause you grief or pain.. but, to let you go and find someone who is worthy of your heart, of your patience and time, and most of all, your love..

i cant expect you to hold on to me and wait while i find myself.. it's not fair..

i cant make promises and i cant guarantee a happy tomorrow..

i cant even focus on anything right now, i dont sleep, i cry buckets and i feel a myriad of emotions coursing through me 24 hours a day..

i wish i knew what the future was holding for both of us, but i dont.. so the only thing i know how to do is walk away and let you live..

you tell me i've no idea what love is, well, you're wrong, you shown me what it is to love and fall in love, i know love better than i've ever dreamed possible.. but with love comes responsibility, and i failed you..

for the rest of my life i'll be living with that guilt and choking on every breath i take..

death would be easier to deal with right now.. i assure you.

|meh|

sleeping is overated.

i've learned that the less sleep you get, the more productive you can be..

you can refold clothes at 2am because they just didnt look right..

you can get rid of socks at 4am, because you feel the need..

or baking brownies at 6am because you're fidgety..

even walking the neighborhood at 8am because you wanted to cry without anyone looking..

yeah, life is fucking perfect.


then, last night Steph informs me that someone asked if she and I were a 'couple', and was under the impression that we're lesbians.. because we had a picture up of us "kissing"..

uh, hello?! McFly?! Theres nothing wrong with getting tipsy and sharing a kiss with a chick, hey.. it's hot and junk.. depending on the chick.. but honestly.. the mere thought of well.. gah..

I don't fucking lick kat, kthx.

some people are fucking dolts.. end of story.

|agony|

i cant fucking do this anymore..

it hurts.. it FUCKING hurts..

why me? why the fuck is this happening?

make it all go away.. take it the fuck away..

|i'm done|

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

____________________________________________
love is death, just slower

i never thought i'd feel so empty, i mean, i know emptiness, but this, this is unreal.

people question why i hurt myself, i hurt myself because i can take full responsibility for it..

and i can beat you all to it before you weaken me with each of your blows..

i'm sick today, sick to my fucking stomach and my chest feels like someone is ice picking my heart..

i have a dinner party at 7 and the mere thought of putting on a smile for everyone sickens me more..

i'm pissed off and i'm fucking hurt and my arms bear the marks of a girl who has been let down..

if only she knew she lets herself down more often than anyone else..

fuck.

|stop the clock|

i dont want my birthday to come..
i'm growing more depressed by the minute..

i think im going to take a lot of xanax and sleep through the whole day..

:( i'm old.

|solemn|

my chest is killing me today..
i feel like its being crushed and it's kind of hard to breathe..

i hate days like this,..
sometimes i wonder if the side effects are better then the pain, and perhaps i should have stayed on the rythmol..

bah.

kill me now.. i'm already dead inside.

|spew|

i hate letting people influence my thoughts..

but, when they continuously make, what seem to be valid points, it's hard not to..

i know it's foolish and immature, and i do know that i know better, but when your mindset is already flawed for the day, their judgments and opinions seems to hold some validity..

i'm sorry for doubting yet again.. but, they only played upon something that i, myself have once thought about..

i'm naive and unworthy..

it's cold :(

|pleh|

i'm having a bad day..

i'm having an emo day..

having someone tell me i'm overly emo and need to stop stressing made me more emo and angry..

i hate you.

|thoughts|

i'm fucking exhausted.. to the point where everything is blurred and i'm just merely hanging by a thread, but i'm fighting it because i slept far too much between yesterday and today and i know that i'm feeling like this due to being over-tired.. bah!

my stomach is still killing me, i'm still sickened by the thought of food and everything makes me feel worn out and weak.. especially the extreme case of nausea..

the supposed mother will be here in 4 days, followed by the ex in 8 days.. i'm not really all that happy about this.. i'm actually a tad bit off-set..

as always, i'll make the best of the situation and try to keep my distance.. i just hope he follows my lead and keeps his as well..

i just realized how bruised my hands are from the IVs, i've actually two large black&blue marks on each one.. especially the left where the dumb cunt blew out my vein.. :

sometimes i honestly wish i would just cease breathing, it would be so much easier on everyone, including myself, i'm getting awfully tired of being sick all the fucking time..

i have this underlying fear that after this next blood scan they're going to tell me i have cancer, atleast then i'd understand why my immune system hates me.. heh

i'm getting sidetracked and delusional because i'm tired..

i miss him.. as each day goes by it just gets more and more apparent how much so..
i hope he knows that..

|note|

maybe when you can stop lying to yourself..

you can stop lying to me.

|time after time|

i am so tired.. yet, i shouldnt be..
i didnt sleep 'well' but, i slept a good amount of the night..

i've also come to the conclusion that no matter how hard i try to just focus and move forward..
he will always be my one constant thought upon waking and before sleeping..

not that i'm complaining.. it just needed to be noted.

i don't know what we are, or where we stand, or even where we'll end up..
but, i do know that im comfortable right now just knowing that you love me..
and that we're still an 'us', kind of, i think..
actually, i've no idea.. i'm just hanging on for dear life to the thought that we're something..

i'm hungry and random and i should be napping..
argh!@#!@#!

i fucking miss you.

and now i think i'm going to Quizno's because I want pickles and mushrooms with my damn turkey.

|tainted love|

tonight is one of those nights that no matter what someone says or how hard they try to assure you everything is ok and will be alright, you just cant see that silver lining..

i'm completely empty tonight, i've been empty for 3 days now.. i dont see this ending, actually, it's becoming a trend..

i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to shower, i cant bring myself to really eat anything..
nothing matters, not like it used to, and everything seems to just leave me missing him more and more..

i know i did what i did for a reason, but it still doesnt mean i don't want him here, or i there, he completes me.. and it's hard knowing that your best friend is 3 thousand miles away.. especially when all you want to do is be there, in his arms, knowing that he wouldnt let any harm come to you.. he is my security blanket, my sun, my moon, and everything in between..

i never thought the day would come where i could honestly say that i trust in someone so much that i'd turn my life over to them, but i have.. i've found him, or he found me, whichever way it came about, it did for a reason..

someone knew i needed him in my life and now my life will never be the same..

unfortunately, having to deal with the whole missing him horribly thing is rough.. my eyes are on fire from crying numerous times throughout the day, especially in the morning and before bed.. my nose is raw.. my body has random shaking episodes.. i'm a mess..

i know he says it'll get better and we have no idea what tomorrow brings, i just keep hoping that tomorrow is one day closer to the next time i can curl up inside him and just breathe..

|swing me around|

there are no words anymore..
only facial expressions that i've witnessed, which could melt me..
and stop me completely in my tracks..

nothing else really seems as important as those 6 days were..
i know i've a lot to overcome and face, and many changes to make..
and at first i didn't think you'd understand or wish to stick around..
but now, knowing that you are willing to do so, doesnt make me as afraid anymore..
i actually feel as though i can get through this and i can do it..

i still have my moments, and i still cry atleast once a day because i miss you..
that, i do believe, will not change..

I learned a lot on this trip:
she made me believe that friends are an important factor and balance in life..
and you really have nothing if you don't have friends.. especially ones such as the both of you..
and you, you made me realize how wonderful it is to be loved, unconditionally, without restriction.. and the memories that you and I made, will last a lifetime until we can make more..

i smiled today, the first time in days.. and even though i cried shortly after.. i still smiled..

i love you,.

|i want to go back|

how do you explain to someone that you could spend a lifetime in their arms?

there doesnt even need to be words, just glances and a tightened squeeze..


i dont know what happend, nor can i explain it.. i've no idea how everything just transpired as it did.. but amongst everything, there remains one constant and that is my love for you.. it's the truest form and it'll never falter..

i cant stop crying, i cant stop wishing i could get each and every one of those moments back and stay there forever..

the morning before i left, i wanted to die in your arms.. just so i could have that moment, for always and never let it go..


now, i feel as though you are letting me go, because it's easier..
i understand,.. and i'd never stop you.. just don't ever forget.. i love you.